ESTABLISHING the integrity of the family unit is an important part of parenting. A family needs to have a clear boundary around it that indicates "we are a family unit - that largely determines who we are, what we do and who we allow to cross the family threshold".

It is important that this boundary not too rigid, as a family needs advice, information, support and help from outsiders. However, the initiative for outside influence must come from the family.

To tell a family what to do and how to be is a gross invasion of a family's privacy. Even when there are signs of unhappiness and neglect - while it is good that outsiders express concern and offer help - it is not wise to give unsolicited advice.

However, if after such concern is shown children continue to be neglected, then this concern should now be expressed to an agency that can take action to stop the neglect encourage responsibility and provide the professional help that may be required to bring about desirable change.

Leaving such situations aside the issue here is the undue influence on the family of outsiders people who may exert a powerful negative influence on the functioning of the family, who may undermine a couple's relationship and damage the self esteem of family members. The people who most commonly interfere with families are in laws (living within or outside the family), relatives, neighbours, friends and child minders.

The live in grandparents or the live in in laws are typical sources of negative influence on the family. These "outsiders" may tell a young mother what to do and what not to do they may expect her to be there at all times for them they may interfere with the rearing of the children and weaken the couple's relationship.

I have worked with women who, on marrying, moved in with their in laws and felt that they had no say in the running of the home. It is not wise, even when in laws are positive and independent, to try to establish a new family under the roof of an existing family. It is a confusing three generation situation, wherein, the self esteem of all can be so easily damaged.

Birds need to fly the nest and build their own nests. A young couple need to have their own physical, space to give them any chance of setting up an independent couple and family life. In a three generation household the issue of "who does what" can become a major source of contention.

Privacy is more important than property, and the chant that "the house will be yours when we re gone" must not sway a young couple from finding their own space. The parents or in laws may live another 30 or 40 years, and a young couple must not postpone their right to independence for any length of time, not to mind for so many years.

It is good for a young couple to remember that their parents survived without them before they were born. Furthermore, protection of parents who are healthy and active only damages their self esteem and maintains their dependence - hardly an act of caring.

SIMILARLY, parents or in laws outside the home can exert negative influences. I have worked with women whose mothers or mothers in law have a key to the young couple's family home and come and go as they please. This is not acceptable behaviour and the young couple need to assert their right to privacy and to be consulted before visits.

There are fathers who expect their married sons or daughters to be on hand whenever they need them. There is no consideration of whether not it is convenient to do what is being ordered. Of course, I would want to respond to a parent's request, but I would also like to be able to say "no" when other priorities need my attention without creating an emotional storm. Moreover, the young couple need to establish that commitments to themselves and their own children take priority.

Neighbours, aunts, uncles, friends and child minders can also be major influences on family dynamics. There are parents who have great difficulty in saying "no" to these people and they allow them to rule their couple lives, boss their children and invade their homes as they please. These families are then too open to outside influences, so that children become confused, parents, feel helpless and no sense of family unity and harmony is present.

Work can also unduly influence the family. The parent whose career takes up most of his or her free time neglects self, the couple relationship" and the family. I have worked with many men who, later on in life, regretted not having spent time with their spouses and children. They have often felt hurt when their children as adults did not maintain contact, but the poor contact reflects what they gave to their sons and daughters when they were children. "As you sow, so shall you reap.

The task is clear: a young couple must ensure that outsiders or work or study do not lead to the neglect of family welfare or a loss of separateness as a family unit. In clear, firm and positive ways, those who attempt to interfere must be told in no uncertain terms that - while they are loved and welcome in the home - they are in no way to interfere with the functioning of the family.

When parents neglect these responsibilities, they neglect themselves and the family the consequences include a confusing, leaderless and unhappy family.