IT IS time that the romantic myth of the dewy eyed couple who fall in love, get married and live happily ever after was exposed for what it is. You may think it is just a harmless romantic dream. It is not. This myth gives rise to unreal expectations about idyllic relationships. It encourages an expectation that the intense feelings associated with falling in love endure forever. They don't.
Loving feelings change and deepen as a couple's relationship grows and matures. Of course falling in love is wonderfully exciting for adolescent girls and boys. It is good to encourage them to accept and fully enjoy the tingling excitement and aliveness that comes from being in love. Sadly, they also need to know that those ecstatic feelings are usually short lived.
In early adolescence young people tend to fall in and out of love fairly often. The intensity of falling in love is emotionally draining. Any parent who has tried to cope with a teenager in love will know how quickly the absolute joy can change to the depths of despair and back again. Most romances are short and fizzle out fairly quickly. But the, break up of relationships is frequently painful for both parents and adolescents.
When romance ends a broken, heart can take a while to heal before another relationship begins. No parent should ever underestimate the pain and trauma of a broken romance. The anguish and hurt are very real even though the period of grieving may be brief. During adolescence this process of falling in and out of love is repeated with different partners as they seek the one, true love.
Many parents are uncertain about how best to deal with adolescent romances. This is understandable. They have experienced the most dramatic changes in the sexual attitudes and behaviour of any generation.
Teenagers are torn between the conflicting values of their parents and their peers. For example most adolescents have a credibility problem with traditional marriage. They look at the relationships of their parents and people their parents' age and find them "dead boring". Only a tiny minority of teenagers want to have a marriage like their parents. Most of them aspire to enjoying the relationship of the romantic myth.
Surely it is time to disillusion them and give them more realistic expectations of the hard work that is involved in keeping a loving relationship like marriage alive and vibrant. They need to know that the intensity, excitement and unbridled energy of falling in love do not stay the same in any long term relationship. Reality can never measure up to the myth. Real couples do live "happily ever after" but only if they work on their relationship. Adolescents who aspire to the romantic myth need to be educated to develop good relationship skills.
It is astonishing how many bright, intelligent adolescents - mostly girls - dream of falling in love and remaining in that blissful state for ever and ever. As teenagers develop physically and move inexorably towards reproductive maturity they are confronted with decisions about relationships that no previous generation had to face. College students, away from home for the first time, are frequently confronted with sexual opportunities that highlight their uncertainty about romance.
In the early stages of falling in love, couples see each other with rose tinted spectacles. If they have a row it is usually short lived and easily forgiven. At some point in the relationship the rose tinted spectacles come off. The couple are still in love with each other but they see each other more realistically. She realises that he is not perfect. He discovers that she has faults he did not see before. They fight about mundane things like being late. "Some couples work through this stage and strengthen their relationship. Others who have unrealistic expectations of romance grow apart. They fall out of love.
The romantic myth of being part of a happy couple who live in a perpetual state of harmony denies the real experiences of most families. In real families people have rows and are upset with one another.
Children quarrel and annoy their parents who then get upset. Mum and Dad get angry too. Parents get on each other's nerves and have rows in the happiest of families. They love each other even when they dislike certain behaviour. This is the reality of family life among real people who are happy most of the time.
So what do we gain by perpetuating myths that deny this reality? We get confused young people who have unreal expectations of relationships. There are no perfect couples living happily ever after outside of fairy land. Why not admit this, expose the myths and acknowledge that conflict is a necessary component of healthy relationships?
