WHEN A family member dies, the natural reaction of many parents is to shield their offspring - young children in particular - from the realities of death.

Often children are sent away to stay with friends for a few days, while, say, granny is being buried.

Sometimes parents don't even tell a child that a close relative has passed away.

Such behaviour, however, is a reflection of a misguided attitude to the whole subject of death, according to psychotherapist Mary Paula Walsh, author of Living After a Death - A Guidebook for the Journey of Bereavement. She says it may hinder children coming to terms with loss later in life.

"Until quite recently in Ireland, children and toddlers trotted in and out of wakes where dead people were laid out," Walsh says. "They were brought to funerals and burials and little was hidden from them. They learned at an early age that death is part of everyday life and this knowledge helped them to cope with bereavement, express their feelings and adjust to life again after a death in the family."

In recent years, she says, death has become a subject about which people find it embarrassing to talk. But by distancing ourselves and our children from it, we may in fact make death more difficult to cope with later.

Walsh, who is also cofounder of both Turning Point, the Dun Laoghaire based "positive health" centre, and the Bereavement Counselling Service, suggests that parents allow children to experience funerals at an early age.

"It's part of the preparation for life," she says. "If your child was going into hospital, you would bring her in to visit beforehand so that she would know what to expect. If children are `shielded' from funerals they can start to imagine that they must be terrifying affairs.

"Children should be encouraged, but never forced, to participate in all the activities and rituals concerned with dying, death, the funeral and committal. They too are loosing a grandparent, sister, brother or friend and are bereaved. Before the death they should be involved in looking after the dying person (in some small, age appropriate way) or visiting them in hospital."

WHEREVER possible, children should be allowed to be present with the family when the person dies and to witness their parents' grieving, Walsh suggests.

"The child will learn about grieving for life from these experiences. If they see adults, men and women, crying and not falling apart, they will realise that this great healing experience is acceptable and normal in such circumstances," she says.

Children who have enjoyed good, stable relationships with their parents have greater inner resources to call upon when death or separation occurs in the family. "It is important that children are involved and informed - tactfully and gently - even if it is difficult and embarrassing for the parents. If for example, a relative has died of AIDS, it is better to be honest about it. It is important that children's questions are never avoided."

Children who have suffered the death of a parent, sibling, friend or close relative need the support of family members. Younger children will express their grief through play, but older children and teenagers need to talk.

"The best thing you can do is to say very little and listen," Walsh says. However, if a child is reluctant to talk, by allowing her to see your grieving and by occasionally telling her how you feel about the death, you will create the right atmosphere for the child to allow herself to grieve, she suggests.

Children often cope better with death and grief than do their parents, Walsh says. Often they gain enormous support from their peers. "It's my experience that teenagers can get a lot of help from friends, cousins and siblings. I can think of one family whose 12 year old died, and for more than a year her friends met regularly in her room - which gave them and the parents great comfort."

Relatively few children or adolescents need professional bereavement counselling, according to Walsh, particularly if they have someone to whom they can talk and confide in. However, bereavement may cause - among other things - sleep disturbance, anorexia, a fall off in school work, inappropriate anger or depression.

If any of these problems persist, if the child becomes substance dependent or if parents are tied up in their own grief and are unable to give the necessary support, then Walsh recommends that a counsellor or psychologist be consulted.