BEING a parent is demanding and challenging and yet it can be the most satisfying and fulfilling job any adult will ever do. We take it on without any formal training, having learned how to do it largely from the way we were brought up by our own parents.
We may get the idea that raising families is all about instinct and intent and we behave as if anyone could be an effective parent simply because she or he wants to be.
Many of us act as if we can all be "perfect" parents simply by going through the motions and taking a label. This is a heavy burden for parents to carry.
There are a lot of social pressures on people to be perfect parents. Family, friends, neighbours, doctors, teachers play their part by expecting children of certain ages to reach certain standards in physical and mental development and in behaviour.
We often feel that others see us as totally responsible for our children's behaviour and, in fact, if difficulties arise for children, society and professionals quite often blame parents. We may feel embarrassed, angry or guilty, believing that we are to blame and feel totally inadequate.
The desire to be perfect parents can sometimes lead us to the point where we take total responsibility for our children and see our children's behaviour as a reflection on our competence as parents. We can become burdened with guilt.
While a small amount of guilt is healthy, too much is definitely counterproductive.
We all make mistakes. If we can accept that we sometimes get things wrong, we will teach our children, by example, that it is also safe for them to make mistakes and to learn from them.
Accepting that, at times, we may need help and support from family, friends and/or professionals, can lessen feelings of being alone. No individual can be expected to have all the answers or sort out all the difficulties. Believing that we ought to be perfect can sometimes stop us seeking help.
A large part of the role of being a parent is caring for others. However, in order to have the energy and love to care for others, we need to look after ourselves, communicate our feelings, meet our needs and receive the help and support we require from others, so that we have something to share/give our children.
It is, therefore, important that as well as looking after our children we look after ourselves. If we don't, the job of bringing up children will be much less enjoyable and, therefore, harder than it need be.
We have to start with learning to be comfortable and happy with ourselves. We have to understand our own needs and go at least some way to meeting those needs and learn to accept ourselves, as we are. Only then can we freely and unconditionally love our children and accept them as they are.
Being more aware of ourselves and what makes us feel good and perform at our best, is the most important route to understanding our children and getting the best out of them. So, the best way to help our children grow up happy and healthy is to make sure that we also go on growing throughout this process and that there is something in it for us.
How we feel about ourselves influences significantly how we behave towards and interact with other people, both adults and children. When we are feeling good about ourselves, we are less vulnerable to other people's criticism, more accepting of others, better able to listen and support others and less likely to feel guilty about our own shortcomings.
PARENTS' individual levels of self esteem influences children's self esteem. The more independent and secure a person is, the more she or he is able to accept others and develop effective relationships. The more you raise your own self esteem, the more you will raise the self esteem of your children, with consequent positive effects on their all round development.
Feeling good about oneself is an essential ingredient of well being. How a person feels about herself or himself affects every aspect of her/ his life.
In order to encourage children to feel self confident, we as parents also need to feel good about ourselves. If children are treated positively, and with respect, they are likely to grow up as caring adults and in turn will bring up happy, healthy, confident children.
The more loving, accepting and honest you are with yourself, the more likely your child is to develop these same feelings.
Children demand and need a great deal of time and attention. They need love, care, security and respect. They can give us our best moments, but they can also bring us face to face with our worst moments.
There is no simple formula lord being a parent - no easy answers. You and your children have an unique relationship. You know your children better than anyone else can or does. You have to work out what works for you and your children. Provided you pay attention to encouraging self esteem and to helping children grow up feeling valued and wanted, it is okay to do it your way.
Any family can have difficulties, and sometimes we need help and support from friends or professionals to help us resolve these difficulties.
A troubled family can become a nurturing, happy one, if we forgive ourselves for our mistakes, seek help and support when we need it and give our family and ourselves permission to change.
Good parenting is not instinctive and it is not learned overnight. It is something one works at and develops over time.
