OK, you are busy in the kitchen cooking dinner, tired from a busy day. Suddenly you hear screaming, it sounds like someone is being murdered behind you.
Or perhaps you come home from a crazy day at the office and you are met with shouts or complaints about how each child was mistreated by the other. Does any of this sound familiar? Do you sometimes feel your children are always fighting?
Many parents find squabbling amongst their children very stressful and yet these childhood conflicts serve an important function for our children. In fact many times we should just leave them to it and not come in acting like a policeman on duty trying to keep the peace.
When sibling rivalry occurs, children are learning valuable lessons about how to assert themselves, negotiate with others and listen to others. Home is a safe place to practice all those conflict resolution skills they will need later in the playground and in the world outside. So, if squabbling is normal and even useful behaviour why does it stress out parents? You only have to be in a room with children arguing for a short time to get the answer to that question.
The old saying "in moderation" applies here too. If sibling conflict is persistent and resistant to resolution, there is usually an underlying cause that needs to be addressed.
Parents should accept the fact that there is always going to be a degree of sibling rivalry and try to think of it as a process of testing, trying and development. When it gets us down, remember that all children fight and even though, at times, other people's children seem angelic, it is not the case; they all fight.
As children disagree they learn socialising skills that prepare them for adulthood. They learn that if you push someone long enough and hard enough they will push back. If you call a person names they'll call you names back. They also may learn that when people are really angry they say nasty things they do not mean to people they care about. All very important lessons.
It is important that during these disagreements parents do not intervene too early. So, how do we decide what to do for the best?
Ask yourself is there a pattern to these fights. Do they argue over the same things constantly? For example, is there a row when big Patrick is left looking after little Johnny? Is the fighting worse just before dinner or bedtime? Knowing the pattern may not stop the fighting but at least you can be prepared to nip it in the bud.
Could constant fighting be masking another problem? Although it is his sisters and brothers he may be fighting with, it may have nothing to do with them at all, he may be being bullied at school or really be upset with you and taking it out on the only ones he can - his close family.
Constant rowing can also be a distraction and tension relieving device when there are other problems in the home like problems between the parents. So how do we parents ensure that any fights in the family are productive and not destructive.
RESIST the urge to intervene too soon or they'll never solve a conflict on their own. Then, if you need to, try to encourage them to work out their own problems saying things like: "Your are both very clever, I'm sure you can work a compromise out together". Or, give an example on how to come to a compromise.
Use your own judgement about how serious this fighting is. Is it just play fighting? Is that loud scream, "a painful one" or "a get attention quickly one"? Listening and reacting correctly at the right time takes practice.
When younger and older children fight be careful about being too judgemental. Although I know we expect the older child to show more restraint when dealing with younger siblings and he should not be allowed to bully, yet we should allow him to be able to defend himself. So instead of undermining an older child there and then, it may be better to take him aside and privately explain how you need him to give a good example and how much you value his help in teaching the younger ones not to be violent and to behave in a more sociable manner.
Be aware of jealousies within the family and of your own biases from time to time. We parents, at different times, can let the younger ones have their own way or favour the older child.
Be realistic with your expectations. Children cannot be good all the time, or share and be kind all the time. Children are going to fight sometimes. Have home rules and stick to them, like no kicking, whoever does it. And remember that children love an audience and will play to it.
Although we don't want to intervene too much and it is normal to fight, that does not mean we allow them to hurt each other; you don't just ignore painful fighting. You separate them and give each a cooling off period to think about what they have done.
The goal is always to help them resolve conflicts and differences in their own way without resorting to fighting. Encourage them to take responsibility in a variety of ways for solving a problem amongst themselves without resorting to name calling or walloping each other.
Whilst some conflict is inevitable, and no advice is guaranteed to stop all family fights, don't give up trying. When you get fed up just remind yourself that it's normal, you may have even done it yourself - once!
