IN Ireland we have a particular and distinctive way of saying goodbye to our dead which our society has found consoling over the years. It involves the presence of a great many people turning up to sympathise. Often on two occasions, the night that the body is brought to a church and again the following day after the funeral ceremony.
Critics of this system say it is exhausting and draining on the family to have to respond to the words of so many people, some not even close friends, at a time when they are at their very lowest.
Others say that the presence of people at a time like this provides comfort and strength for the bereaved family - it generates a feeling that the person who has died lives on because of those who remember him or her.
I was certainly greatly helped by the presence of people when my parents died. I can still remember feeling touched over and over at the sight of people who had travelled a long way or people of slight acquaintances who had thought it worth their while to come and honour the dead. It meant that we fell into bed those nights exhausted and slept deeply rather than staying awake and trying to come to terms with the loss.
It all made me realise that going to a funeral is, in our culture, an act of solidarity and support. There is something about the very solidity of a congregation joined together in one purpose that makes some kind of a sense of a life now over.
Sometimes, of course, the words might technically seem a little empty. If someone were not religious it might sound rather hollow to hear about the angels waiting to meet him and take him into a paradise to which he did not subscribe.
But that's really only technical. If his family and the rest of the congregation believe that the angels are there, then I think it's not only totally acceptable but essential.
I have a friend who does not agree. He thinks rigid honesty is necessary and organised a rigidly honest funeral for a colleague. We gritted our teeth - it was well meant and sincere, but most of us, and not only those of more mature age, think that something a bit more traditional might have been better.
But better for whom? In that case the dead man had not left instructions - his thoughts were being interpreted by a good friend. Suppose the man had always said that this was exactly what he wanted, that he would like a spare room with chairs in a semi circle, a lot of silence and a reading of four poems without comment or explanation why they were important or relevant. No eulogies, no tributes, no prayers, no hymns, no memories. Would it have been better if we had known those were his dying wishes?
I suppose the ruthless honesty in carrying them out would then have been more admirable. But the goodbye would still, for a lot of us, have been hopeless and inadequate.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that we Irish have got it right about funerals. In England we really only went to funerals when invited. This seemed very cold to me but quite satisfactory for them because of a cultural fear of intruding on what was deemed a private occasion.
People in England were amazed if you wanted to go to their father's funeral if you had not known him. You had to know the deceased to have any business there. Consoling the living was not as much part of it as it is here.
Before we begin to feel smug and think that we have all the generosity in our corner, let me tell you about the Dublin funeral of a child with an Irish father and a Mediterranean mother. At a lunch on the day of the funeral the talk turned as it does to other things and a group of people spoke about a race meeting.
I will never forget the wail of the mother who asked: "Why are you all talking about horses, our child is dead. If I were only with my own people they would come and hug me and say your child is dead. You are a strange unfeeling people." I never felt more unsure of whether we have got it right or not. It was a day when we could not have got it more wrong.
So, then, since there are no absolutes and nobody gets it right for everybody, must we go along with what the person chooses in his lifetime however much we hate it?
My Advice
I have to be honest and admit that 80 five per cent of those who wrote to me hold a different view to my own. I was astonished as one after the other I opened the letters - and even more astonished that most of my friends agree with you rather than with me over this.
I believe that the family must check out the situation about executors and their rights and duties as stated in a will. After all, he may have made other people executors and given them powers that override the wishes of the family.
However, the family didn't write to us for legal advice. They wanted a moral viewpoint. They wanted personal thoughts on what should be done.
There's no point - or honesty - in being in this game unless you have courage. So, I can't change my mind and join the majority.
I think the family should ignore their father's last wishes and go ahead and have the funeral that he and they deserve. And this is why:
1 He may be depressed now and gloomy and have poor feelings of self worth. He had never shown any antipathy to funerals in his life before this. This might not be his real self speaking.
If he dies and goes to heaven, he will have much greater wisdom than on this earth. He will forgive them for having the funeral knowing that they meant well and they needed it badly to make sense of his life.
If he dies and there is no heaven, he just goes to sleep and will not know that his wishes have been not been kept. So, it doesn't matter.
He was not a churlish man unaware of the mores of our society. He will expect something to be done that will mark his passing. If he were strong and able to cope with such arguments perhaps this could be discussed with him. However, by the sound of the letter, the family do not want to upset him or challenge him - they are trying to make thing as easy for him as possible. To be fair, this is something he is not doing for them.
You can always keep a sort of faith with his wishes by telling people that, out of modesty, he had asked for there to be little display and minimal fuss, and explain that it was you, the family, who needed the public goodbye. There need not be long eulogies, too many fancy trimmings. You have no wish to turn it into a circus, but you have a right to say goodbye to him rather than tidy him away for what may well be only a last-minute whim on his part.
I HAVE argued this one with everyone all month and ended up with one of my closest friends saying good-naturedly to everyone that it's no use asking Maeve to carry out your dying wishes - she'll do the exact opposite.
Not so. If it were my own case and you were to ask me to carry out an inappropriate wish, I would sit beside you and beg you to change your mind. I get the impression that this family will not do that, so I urge them to have their funeral anyway.
Your Advice
You really must honour this nice man's dying wish. It will be hard on the family not to be able to mourn with their friends and relatives, but you must respect his wishes. A solution could be to have a private funeral and this could be achieved by not inserting an announcement of the death in the newspapers, or contacting people until after the burial. A few days afterwards a notice could be placed in the papers including in it a tribute to the deceased man. It could also be stated that the funeral was held privately at his request and attended only by his immediate family. Friends and relatives would understand and would not be annoyed or upset at not being told earlier.
- BMcC, Dublin 9
THIS MAN'S dear relatives would be in the impossible position. The logical reality would be to bury him with full honours and pomp. Indeed, we are certain he will not retaliate.
- John MacNamara, Fanore, Co. Clare
YOU SAY that your father made you all promise that there will be no funeral because he doesn't want any hypocritical goodbyes and tributes. I'm assuming that you have all promised to abide by his dying wish. So, could you live with yourself if you were to break that promise?
Let's assume that you could live with yourself and you go ahead and give him a traditional funeral. The chances are that all will go well - his friends, colleagues, neighbours, relatives and others will come with flowers and cards to sympathise with you. They'll share stories and make comments about your father, as can and does happen at funerals. You'll cry a little, laugh a little, and give him a great send off (something he doesn't want, incidentally!).
But what if his reason for not wanting a funeral is to hide something or someone, a secret in his life? And your need to "make sense of his life" in this way betrays him, opens up a saga you've known nothing about, and he is not there to talk about it or explain it. How will you feel then? Maybe that's a little dramatic, but it's possible nonetheless!
You obviously think highly of your father. Why not trust his judgement one more time? Respect his dying wish and use the money you'd otherwise have given to the undertaker to have a good night out with his friends.
That would surely help you to make sense out of his life and in a way that would meet with his approval. It's no different, when you think of it, than people going off quietly to be married and then partying with friends when they get home.
- Melissa Griffith, Galway
I'M SORRY your father is dying. You say he is "a man of great integrity and honesty" but he seems to me to be indulging in not a small degree of emotional blackmail. He knows he'll get the sympathy vote.
After all, who's going to argue with a person who won't be around to see the end of the year, even if he is perfectly prepared to leave. And how did he manage to "make" you all promise that there would be no funeral?
You may revere your father's many positive qualities, but you may also have to face the fact that he's a control freak. To give him his due, this may be subconscious on his part - he doesn't sound like a bad man. But, as you say, his behaviour has "shattered your ability to cope".
I suspect you'll be even more shattered when he continues to control all of you from beyond the grave. STAND UP TO HIM NOW - be assertive, not aggressive, tell him how you feel while you still have time. After all, he told you in no uncertain terms how he felt.
This may hasten his demise, but you'll all attain that virtue for which you hold him in such high esteem - honesty.
- Laura McAuley, Dublin 7
WHY not pay tribute to you father in the death notice. Point out what a wonderful friend, husband and loving father he was. Because you all love him so much you will abide by his wishes for a family funeral only. Then the family should book a nice cheerful restaurant and remember him as he would have wished.
- JB, Co. Limerick
VERY definitely, I do not want a funeral myself, having been to a fair few lately and hated the way the priests spoke about people they obviously never knew. Occupational hazard, I suppose and you can't blame them for it - I imagine they have to accept local bodies for burial but I want no part in such charades for myself.
So, no funeral for me. Donate my body to medical science, where it may yet be of some use. I will leave money to be spent on a massive party for family and friends. There'll be loads of good food and drink and live music, people telling silly jokes, perhaps a few bellydancers and, if anybody wants to cry or roar or even make speeches well, that's allowed.
This father has told his relatives what he does not want. They should now ask him exactly what he does want. After all, his options are somewhat limited. He may not want a funeral but the law of the land will hardly allow a burial under the compost heap in the garden (which I would have liked for myself).
When he has spelled out his wishes precisely, make sure they are clearly understood and legal. Then, it's time to be generous and give him his last wish with good grace. He has earned it.
- Bobby MacLaughlin, Dublin 4
IT'S important to respect your father's wishes. It is his death not yours that has to be dealt with. Once you know what you have to do and he dies, you will want to respect his wishes and may feel completely different to the way you feel now.
Maybe you could celebrate his life and spend the money that otherwise would have been spent on food and drink on giving back to the community some aspect of his interests. If he was interested in sport, you could present an annual award for some competition, maybe a couple of hundred pounds for the winning team or person, depending on the activities that take place in the area where you live.
If he is a writer, you could give a bursary for a new play or novel or contribute to a collection of poetry for the writers in the community. You could have a seat for people to sit on when they go shopping in the local town or suburb. You could commission a piece of sculpture by a local artist.
- Mary Guckian, Ringsend, Dublin