Santa Claus has had a busy and rewarding career in cult circles over the years, which is all the more remarkable considering that he doesn't actually exist. (Outraged voice of precocious seven-year-old Irish Times reader: "Oh yes he does!") The old lad has, for example, featured on many records. Somewhere in the world there is probably a very sad person who is a Christmas Novelty Record completist, and whose collection is bound to include Hey Santa Claus by The Moonglows (1953) and Mambo Santa Mambo by The Enchanters (1956). When Santa got tired of mamboing, The Marcels taught him another dance craze in Merry Twist-mas (1961).
He's certainly had some adventures. In Santa and the Purple People Eater (1958), Sheb Woolley explained how Santa's sleigh was saved from crashing into a Sputnik by the Purple People Eater. Bobby "Boris" Pickett's follow-up to his big hit Monster Mash (1962) was Monster Holiday, in which the old fellow is kidnapped by Dracula, the Wolf Man and the Frankenstein Monster.
And Ireland hasn't been behind the door when it comes to making truly awful Santa records - the late Joe Lynch, for many years a warbler of dodgy ballads before he became Dinny in Glenroe, recorded When Davy Crockett Met Santa Claus in the 1950s, designed to capitalise on a popular Walt Disney film about the coonskin-clad backwoodsman.
As far as Santa's movie appearances are concerned, forget famously sentimental stuff like the various takes on Miracle on 34th Street over the years. The deservedly obscure Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) is the one the cultists go for. Consider the plot. The children of Mars are unhappy, sitting around watching Christmas TV programmes they accidentally receive from Earth. They demand to know why there is no Santa on Mars, so a planetary council decides the only way to save the next generation from feeling underprivileged is to kidnap him. Some Martians visit Earth and ask two children where Santa lives. Anyway . . . but you don't really want me to go on, do you? The movie's main attraction is John Coll as Santa. He is jolly to the point of mania, and gives the impression that he is drunk much of the time. The way he looks at the children is a bit scary, too.
If you are considering donning a Santa costume this year, be aware that several impersonators have fallen victim to the Curse of Santa. There was the accident at Palm Beach, Florida, when sobbing children watched Santa Charles Dhooge's gift-laden helicopter flip over and catch fire, trapping him inside.
Then there was the time Mississippi Highway Patrol officers raced to the scene of a crash to find Harvey D. McGrath, kitted out in full Santa regalia, dying behind the wheel of his Chevrolet. His last words were: "Ho, ho . . ."
A female Santa at a pageant at Pittsburgh stood under a sign that read: "I'm a woman. It's Christmas. Respect me or f*** you all."