A sneak peek at this year's most exciting festivals around the country. Book early to avoid disappointment. Though you might be disappointed whether you book or not, writes Kevin Gildea
NAUGHTY FESTIVAL
(in NuLooley)
Events include bouncy castle, bands and bottom painting,
FESTIVAL OF SMALL PRINT
(in BallyDoohan*)
Lots to do at this festival: why not fire a toffee apple at the man perched precariously above a vat of milk? If you hit him he gets dunked for your delight (but if you miss you will have your house repossessed!). Hit the spot with the big hammer and if you ding the bell you win - another go! (If you lose, all your skin will be removed and used to make a strange baggy puppet).
Hours of fun at a huge hidden cost!
* actually in a place called BallinLappy - near BallyDoohan**
** well - 15 miles outside BallyDoohan***
*** never mind.
PUBLIC TRANSPORT FESTIVAL
(in various locations)
At last - the festival everybody has been waiting for.
FESTIVAL OF WORK OPPORTUNITIES
(in NobberOddy)
Three days of excitement built around the availability of work. Critics have charged that this is nothing more than a jobs fair masquerading as a festival. Festival organisers rabidly disagree - pointing out the fact that they give out free pens. You decide!
FESTIVAL OF IRISH CRIMINAL GANGS
(in Gangland)
Once a year all the gangsters of Ireland meet in the capital of Gangland for a big hooley of fun and danger. It is at this festival that they decide the annual pecking order within the criminal world. They do this through a series of cold-blooded challenges: pool, Spin the bottle and Paper, scissors, stone.
As with every other year the big event is the Public Gangland Baptism, at which gangsters ready to receive their gangland nickname get their own blood poured on their heads. Last year saw the baptism of three new recruits to this ignoble profession: The Seagull, The Spatula and The Gandhi (RIP).
THE BADLY ORGANISED FILM FESTIVAL
(in Utonard UniPlex)
Showing 17 films over 365 days.
FESTIVAL OF SECRECY
FESTIVAL OF HATE
(in Bundandun)
A festival that celebrates one of the great human activities: Hating. There will be special appearances by politicians and politicians. Organisers are also hoping to add some more politicians to the bill.
The most exciting thing about this festival is the number of street acts from all over Europe. Worth looking out for are the French, Italian, Spanish group Merde! - a 12-strong troupe who can be seen bumping into people on the streets and stopping suddenly in the doorways of shops to have a good look around. Never has annoying the hole of people been so beautifully choreographed.
Irish favourites The Car! return with an act that includes driving way too slowly around the town, pulling out suddenly without indicating and double-parking so other cars can't get out. They were a big hit last year and had their car set on fire by a local mob. Apparently they love performing in their home country because the road sign "system" makes it a "joy to annoy".
Le Mime appears too, and performs mime. Last year's festival was a great success - everybody hated it.
FESTIVAL OF STAYING AT HOME
(in your own home)
Celebrate being in your own house. Festival organisers will send you a self-assembly festival kit which includes a small marquee, some wet grass and a bag of smells. All you do then, says festival organiser DJ Onyx, is: "Just add you." Co-festival organiser DJ Onyx says: "It is the only festival that celebrates the individual, atomised, fragmented, lonely nature of modern society. Let the festivities begin. Whoopee."
FESTIVAL OF TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH AND HAVING A STRANGELY UNSATISFYING TIME
(in Everywhere)
With over 17,000 acts, 60,000 rides and 2 million fast food vans, it's the places to be.
FESTIVAL OF BUMS ON SEATS
(in Foxrock)
A controversial un-PC festival where audiences comprising homeless people watch plays about the difficulty of making ends meet performed by people with mortgages. After the performance, the audience are given a meal. Then they are presented with a bill for their entertainment. Their inability to pay is recorded on SuperDef video and watched the following evening by scoffing Foxrockians.
NO MORE FESTIVALS
(in Cheeverstown)
A festival to end all festivals. "Stop Festivals" has finally organised a festival of its own. Positive act or admittance of defeat?
PAN-CELTIC ROOTS MUSIC FESTIVAL
(in Doolally)
Pots, pans, puns and exciting music played on various Irish vegetables.
ARRIVAL OF TOMMY FROM AMERIKAY FESTIVAL
(in The Wesht)
Leitrim hosts this unique festival: Tommy "The Yank" Feely went to the Amerikay in the 19 and the 59 and became a huge success.
He's been returning every summer since to do a bit of footin' on the bog and to show off all his money. But it isn't only showin' off he's at, it isn't. Each year he dispenses largesse to the locals. It started small in 1959 with bubble gum and nylon stockings but with Tommy's exponential success the gifts have now transmogrified into gold bullion, blue-chip shares and millions of dollars.
Over the years, generations of locals have gratefully received these gifts but unbeknownst to Tommy they no longer live in the locality and have all moved to Monaco. However, they don't want to let Tommy know this so they all gather in on Landlunken - now a forsaken ghost town - for two weeks a year and hold this festival, of which the operational title is: "Pulling the wool over Tommy's eyes."
KINSALE OPERA AND EATING FESTIVAL
(in Kinsale)
A festival that's not afraid to tell it like it is.
THE BIG BUNTING FESTIVAL
(held on three islands off the west coast: Skellig Beag, Skellig Anna Bheag agus an tiniest island of the three - Skellig?)
Finally, the unsung extra of many a festival gets a starring role of its own. Let's face it: the best part of a lot of festivals is the bunting on display. "This festival has it all: bunting." So says festival organiser Marcy Slopen.
Bunting was first invented on nearby Skeilig Bambadoor in 1892 when a bunch of sharks (or an "Oh No" of sharks as they are collectively known) was washed up on that Skellig's beach. While the men folk of the town skinned the sharks and made dapper dinner suits out of their flayed grey skin the women folk collected the fins and sewed them together in the dipping line we know and love so well today. Eventually this black bunting was employed at the funerals of people who the islanders were glad were dead.
Bunting-makers stopped using shark fins in 1975 when Bunting Boffins discovered Buntanium - an ideal substance with which to construct triangles of bunting.
"For the first time ever, bunting will be available at ground level," says festival hanger-on Art O'Caolain. "That's where it belongs," he adds, by way of redundancy. Festival-goers are invited to feel it, touch it and even lick it. O'Caolain says: "Bunting is one of the most lickable substances known to man second only to ice cream and stamps . . . well, third - one of the most lickable substances known to man, third only to ice cream and stamps and ladies' necks . . . well fourth - fourth only to ice cream and stamps and a lady's neck and . . . well look - just give it a lick . . . leave me alone . . . I don't even work for the festival . . . I just know Murty." This year's festival is special because they will attempt to break the world bunting record - they hope to construct and hang 18 miles of bunting in 12 hours. Seven hundred very old island women will work around half the clock; they will be joined by 1,200 child labourers flown in from sweatshops around the world. This event is sponsored by Mongie Johnston and Sons (for all your clothing needs).
And last but not least, we can't go without mentioning . . .
FESTIVAL OF CLICHÉ
(in the picturesque town that's a gateway to a world just waiting to be discovered)
One of the country's longest-running festivals celebrates its 25th anniversary with a mouthwatering line up. This festival has it all or, if it's adventure you're after, something for everyone. If it's festival-going that you want, look no farther than this. Something for all the family. Why not get away from it all? Book early to avoid disappointment. You can't take a horse to water but you can enjoy the Festival of cliché.
Kevin Gildea performs in At Last, the 1989 Show, at MB Slatterys's, Rathmines, on Thursday April 3, and at Kavanagh's Comedy Club, Portlaoise, Friday, April 4. He is shortlisted for the RTÉ PJ McManus Short Story competition