CONVERSATIONS WITH HIMSELF: Karl MacDermottlaments the posterior posturers who expose their hindquarters in low-slung trousers, and he recalls how he wreaked his revenge.
I WORKED on a building site once. You? Worked?Yeah. In the summer of 1985. My abiding memories are of dirt, colourful language, and the inability of my co-workers to pull up their trousers properly. The curse of the hairy buttock.Yeah.
But if someone had told me that this eccentric exhibitionistic trouser-wearing technique would become a worldwide trend in fashion in the early 21st century I would have laughed.
Or cried. This bottom cleavage affliction is everywhere.
I have lost count how often it has happened to me in the last five years. There I am minding my own business - reading a newspaper, drinking a cup of coffee, having a pint - when I look up and notice someone's bottom cleavage. Facing me. Just there. Like a little mouth turned sideways - almost wanting to start a conversation. To say "hello". To ask me how I'm getting on. But I don't want to partake in this conversation.
I think to myself, at this particular juncture of my life, at this very moment, I don't want to see the top of this young woman's (or slightly older woman's) hindquarters.
But once you notice it you keep looking.I am aware of it. So you keep looking.Not really. Some of the time.Okay, yes. Perv. But what can I do? Because wherever I find myself - on a bus, on the street, or in a bookshop - the bottom cleavages of these women seem to be always in my eyeline.
Strange that it is usually the ladies.
Yes. But it is never a truly attractive lady. No. Bottom cleavage rule number one: One never sees the bottom cleavage of a truly attractive lady. Wouldn't it be nice - just once - to see the bottom cleavage of a truly attractive lady to make up for all those unwanted bottom cleavages you have inadvertently set eyes upon over the years?
Have you ever confronted any of these posterior posturers?I have not. What am I supposed do? Put down my newspaper, approach the young lady, clear my throat and discreetly enquire whether she could cover up her bottom? I suppose that could lead to complications.Or a slap in the face. Especially if her boyfriend is around.
But it is becoming a scourge. And sometimes it's a very thin line. I mean, when does exposure of bottom cleavage become actual mooning?
It's all a matter of degrees. And there are times when I feel that line has been crossed. But society still stays silent. It's a disgrace.
Once, out of exasperation and on the spur of the moment, I even started my own fashion trend - scrotum cleavage.
I remember. Those were eight of the longest hours in that Garda station.
Yes. I tried to explain that I did it as a form of protest and, my point being, when I expose 20 per cent of my scrotum sack, which is an erogenous zone, I am arrested, but if others expose 20 per cent of their buttocks, which is also an erogenous zone, they are not arrested. But they didn't see it my way, and, after much schoolboy smirking, let me off with a caution.
...
Displaced in Mullingar will resume next Friday