Dope-smokers, UFO chasers, murderers - Shane Hegarty on the candidates who make the Monster Raving Loony Party look mainstream.
If Michael Peroutka wins the upcoming election, he'll be a reluctant president of the US. He didn't really want to be a candidate, and kept hoping someone else would run on behalf of the Constitution Party. But nobody stepped forward and now Peroutka will have his name on the ballot paper of most American states. And if he secures enough votes, President Peroutka will impose laws based on the Bible, close America's borders to immigrants, grab back the Panama Canal, encourage armed state militias and withdraw from the UN. He's against the Iraq War, though, so liberals can rest easy.
Watching the election coverage it's easy to presume that there are only three candidates, with Ralph Nader the only "third party" choice. In fact, any of six candidates can theoretically win enough votes to actually become president. Meanwhile, there are dozens of candidates running in either one or a handful of states. Voters tired of the two-party system, then, might choose a dope-smoking communist immigrant, a UFO-chasing fascist or a man in jail for murder. Many make the Monster Raving Loony Party look mainstream.
Of the potential presidents, the Green Party's David Cobb has replaced Nader as its official candidate but is running only in states not likely to hurt John Kerry after the party took much of the blame for hobbling Al Gore last time around.
There is no such restraint from the Libertarian Party's Michael Badnarik, who is running in every state but two. With policies based on getting the government out of people's lives he has made gun rights his priority, but is also in favour of gay marriage and growing industrialised hemp. He's anti-tax and hasn't filed a return in years. Badnarik was such a long shot to get the party ticket that he said: "If I can win the nomination, there's no reason I can't win this election." As it turns out, there's likely to be plenty of reasons.
Cobb and Badnarik have taken part in alternative presidential debates, but showed admirable cross-party co-operation when they were arrested outside the second Bush/Kerry debate for crossing police barricades. They refused to be separated during the scuffle with police, with reports differing on whether they were handcuffed together or just holding hands.
Other candidates on a limited number of ballot papers include the Socialist Workers Party's Roger Calero, a Nicaraguan immigrant whose running mate is under 35 years old. So, neither is allowed by the constitution to take office, but they're running in several states anyway. In California, Leonard Peltier is a Native American activist serving two consecutive life sentences for the murder of two FBI agents in 1975 (he says he's innocent), while in Utah boxing manager Charles Jay would make porn star Marilyn Chambers vice-president.
Also in Utah is Earl Dodge of the Prohibition Party; its aims are obvious by its name. It is a party in name but not by nature. The longest-lived American political party after the Democrats and Republicans, it has run candidates in every election since 1872. Dodge will need to improve on his 2000 performance when only 208 people voted for sobriety.
It's among the list of write-in candidates, though, that the poll becomes Pythonesque. These are official candidates who don't have their names on the ballot, for reasons that vary between states, so voters have to "write in" their name to vote for them.
Utah once again offers colour, this time through Sterling D. Allan, who believes that his candidacy was foretold by the Bible and that his election is essential to avoiding a third World War. It sounds ridiculous, but can voters take a chance on it being untrue?
Elsewhere, there's an Alabama candidate who wants to return America to a Victorian era centred on men. In Pennsylvania, Jack Grimes, leader of the United Fascist Union, promises to find proof of alien spacecraft and to impose a military dictatorship. In Ohio you'll find "Average Joe" Schriner, who is of average height and weight, got average grades at college and has an average family (two kids). His record has been somewhat tainted by having done the not-so-average thing of twice running for president.
There might be a handful of candidates running on more straightforward issues, but most of them are from beyond the extremes of the fringes of politics. There's the anti-tattoo, messianic Jew in Florida or the Texan who wants an end to "vulgar and profane music" on the airwaves. There's even a candidate who believes he's on a divine mission and has no problem with creationism being taught in schools!
Oh, hold on. That's President Bush.