Andy Dallas is a small, rather cuddly, Englishman who is gainfully employed as a cleric in the British Embassy. Attending the launch of the Ballybunion International Bachelor Festival in Planet Hollywood yesterday however, he transformed into Gazza.
"I'm a cheeky chappy, me," declared the man from "sarf London". Surrounded by an entourage of Chris Evans and Danny Baker types he looked far happier than a man recently dumped from the England squad. "He has been in training for Ballybunion with kebabs and pints over the past few weeks," confided his coach James "Hoddle" Tansey. James it should be noted is a senior diplomat in the embassy and was the runner-up in last year's Ballybunion Bachelor competition.
"Smooth tactics just didn't work for me so this time we are going for the football hooligan approach," he explained.
The Minister for Fun, Dr Jim McDaid was on hand to give the assembled bachelor boys the benefit of his experience. Except it didn't count for much: "I got married at 18," he said.
The Minister had heard that the North Kerry seaside resort had the least demand for anti-impotence drug Viagra. Which explained the first line of the festival press release - a rather optimistic "we have lift off!".
The alleged virility of Ballybunion males owes a lot to shellfish apparently. "The place has the most fertile, healthy and sexually-active periwinkle in the world," said Festival Committee member Frank Quilter. The World Periwinkle Picking Competition will be one of the highlights of the festival which begins on June 27th.
While female soccer fans around the world lamented the absence of David Ginola, Planet Hollywood manager John Fynes proved a broody replacement. Already dubbed "the handsome one" he said he was "kind of being forced into it" but was looking forward to the craic.
Andy Dallas, meanwhile, just grinned and switched from Gazza mode to the tactics of Teddy Sheringham as he snuggled up, pint in hand, with two blonde models. Jackie Healy-Rae had posed for photographs with the models earlier. At the time of writing however, neither had scored.