RADIO REVIEW:WHEN THE clock-ticking theme music for Morning Ireland(RTÉ Radio One, weekdays) was reaching its crescendo at 7am on Tuesday morning, there was an end-of-the-world vibe in the air. Cathal MacCoille and Richard Downes, not to mention the embattled producers, had to hit the ground running. The government's announcement of a €440 billion bank guarantee had been released only 15 minutes earlier. This had to be good.
Not since HG Wells's was broadcast on American radio 70 years ago had radio listeners cause to flee their homes in fear of an apocalypse. Most other news stories were null and void. This was the only story in town. They would dissect it, piece it back together, unravel it and redo all over again.
"This is so urgent, so important, we're sorry for upsetting your morning if you were usually expecting to get 'It Says In The Papers', but the developments from the Department of Finance were so urgent and so important, we thought we'd bring this to you first," Downes said, in a last-ditch effort to perhaps fend off the invasion of alien crank calls that would ensue if the newspapers weren't reviewed at the appointed time.
If Morning Irelandwas prepared to temporarily suspend "It Says In The Papers", this must be bad. Downes is no Orson Welles. He maintains an air of calm, rather than foreboding, but all the stations' radio coverage would be the stuff of a 1950s b-movie: inflamed passions, overwrought drama and farce. When Alison O'Connor finally came on air to do the papers, she covered the international press too. That's unprecedented. O'Connor cherry-picked juicy quotes that would suit tag lines for b-movie posters such as Attack of the Killer Tomatoes("they were ripe for revenge!").
From the San Francisco Chronicle: "Washington wobbled and then Wall Street cracked!" She warned solemnly, "If you're going to read The Irish Timesor the New York Times, the headlines are the same the world over." Their bailout was upstaging our guarantee? What a bloody cheek.
By 8.30am, blood was boiling. George Lee had the most impassioned moment of the week when Downes asked him how Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan's measures will protect the Irish taxpayer. "We don't know!" Lee exclaimed. "We don't know! All we know is that there will be a commercial rate charged for this guarantee. We don't know the commercial rate and we don't know the terms and conditions. So let's hear it!"
An eerie, theatrical pause followed. Lee was not a happy bunny. He was like the journalistic hero in a disaster movie. Nobody would heed his warnings. On a happier note, you could tell Lee was glad that Downes had asked him the question. Lee had got it off his chest. It was now time for a moment of quiet contemplation and a nice cup of tea.
On Lunchtime(Newstalk 106-108, weekdays) with John Keogh, Eddie Hobbs got into a more farcical b-movie spirit, saying that this day that would go down in history. He cited a worst case scenario: "You put your plastic into an ATM and nothing comes back." (That happens to me all the time.) And: "The international credit crunch will have a knock-on effect on the whole economy." Credit crunches have a habit of doing that.
In the heel of the hunt, The Right Hook(Newstalk 106-108, weekdays) got lumbered with Minister for Defence Willie O'Dea. Meanwhile, those other residents of Marconi House, on from The Last Word(Today FM, weekdays), snaffled Tánaiste Mary Coughlan. George Hook said they'd been told all the government had available was O'Dea. "We're as much a national station as our competitors on the floor above," he said.
But Hook had Professor Gwyn Prins from the London School of Economics, who was talking Armageddon. He said the US Congress's proposal to bail out banks with $700 billion was to "draw out the poison" of bad debts incurred by the sub-prime mortgage crisis there. (On Wednesday's show, Conor Brophy colourfully compared the bank guarantee to a karate master who has the know-how, but is loath to use his chops.) When O'Dea and Hook did speak, it was combative wisecracks. It was hard to know who was who in this Abbott Costello exchange.
"You pledged every cent we had to keep the banks afloat!" Hook said. "It's our money you pledged!" O'Dea replied, "It's your money we're guaranteeing." Touché. Nice answer, especially from a minister who had pretty much been compared to the last stale loaf of bread left on the Government's shelf.
Actually, Mary Coughlan was not in studio the day the Earth stood still. She was on her mobile. Matt Cooper asked her if something "exceptional" was happening with one of the banks. It was like trying to get tomato juice out of a turnip. She called the government guarantee a pre-emptive decision taken on the advice of the regulator and would not be swayed. "What we're doing now is adding to speculation," she said. Let's save it for the sequel.
qfottrell@irish-times.ie
