As an Irish citizen working in the US on a journalist's visa, I have no vote on who will be the next American President or be in the next Congress and could go to jail if I fund their campaigns with my humble dollars.
But you don't shake off American politicians as easy as that.
The Democratic National Committee badly needs me. "Dear Joe," the letter from the party boss began. "President Clinton has asked me to reach out to Democratic leaders and voters like you to get your opinions about key issues, your viewpoint on the content of our platform and your ideas about the critical presidential campaign ahead."
What a morale booster. President Clinton is reaching out to me. My views "will be tabulated and shared with the President". All he asks is that I fill out a survey giving my valuable views and "return the survey and a generous contribution to the Democratic National Committee".
Also to be answered is "How good a job do you think President Clinton is doing - excellent, good, fair, poor, undecided". Ah, come on. You know you're doing a great job, Bill, and I'd love to help but I can't risk Ken Starr poking through my cheque book.
And the Republicans are after me as well. Their letter begins: "Congratulations. On behalf of Speaker Hastert and all the Republican Leadership in Congress, it is my distinct pleasure to tell you that you have been nominated for Charter Membership in the newly formed Republican Majority Caucus."
Chairman Thomas Davis writes: "I received your name from one of my advisers as a key national conservative leader." I take it that is a compliment.
With this comes a certificate of nomination which proclaims: "Be it known to all that the Chairman, by virtue of the authority of the National Republican Congressional Committee, has conferred upon Mr Joe Carroll, Charter Membership in the Republican Majority Caucus. Whereas, Mr Joe Carroll represents the highest calibre of Republican ideals and principles etc, etc."
The Chairman adds: "Display it proudly to remind Republicans everywhere what we need to do for the future."
So what do we Republicans need to do? Well, $35 secures full membership, updates on party news "without the liberal media filter" - could he mean The Irish Times? - and "a special invitation to the Republican National Convention in Philadelphia next summer".
"Remember, if we lose just five seats it is all over. The Democrats win. Bill Clinton will be victorious in ousting the party that dared hold him accountable for his actions."
What a dilemma. Do I let Bill Clinton "reach out" to me as a "Democratic leader" and give him "advance input" for next year's election platform? Or do I work with the Republicans as a man with "the highest calibre of Republican ideals and principles" and help them fight back "the tidal wave of radical leftwing lobbyists and union ads"?
While I am wrestling with this dilemma, another letter comes in from Governor Parris Glendening of Maryland and his Lieut Governor, Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, thanking me "for writing in support of the Smart Growth initiative and expressing your ideas on transportation investment in Maryland". Whaa?
"Your suggestion that fifty cents of every dollar spent on transportation be dedicated to expanding alternative modes of transportation is consistent with the Maryland Department of Transportation's goal of improving and expanding the transportation choices available to the citizens of Maryland."
Well, thank God for that even if it is the first I have heard of it.
However, the Governor and Kathleen go on menacingly: "Such a rigid policy could have unintended consequences that may be contradictory and could actually hinder our goal of expanding choices."
Now I've gone and screwed up Maryland's transportation system. And I don't even know if I'm a Republican or a Democrat. Kathleen Kennedy must have heard about the Republicans electing me a charter member.
It's a relief to get a letter from Robert Pinsky, US Poet Laureate, encouraging me to become a member of The Academy of American Poets. "It would mean a great deal to me, and to poets throughout America, if you were to join," the Poet Laureate pleads.
It will only cost $45 a year to "enter into a new and exciting relationship with the best American poets of today and tomorrow". And "you will receive a number of material benefits which will bring you closer to the centre of the American poetry world".
For just $2,500 I can get into the "Chairman's Circle". This will also mean "reserved seating at Academy-sponsored readings" and "invitations to Master Classes with distinguished poets in private homes".
You begin to wonder how all these important people get to know about you and why they want to invite you into their inner circles.
This must be the American Dream. And it doesn't cost all that much.