While the average amount being spent on a wedding is still staggering, common sense is beginning to prevail, writes Alanna Gallagher
THEY SAY marriage is a three-ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. As another wedding season springs into action, the song may remain the same but there have been a few subtle changes to the ways guests and wedding parties are choosing to sing it.
Behaviour and attitudes have changed. While the average amount being spent is still staggering, common sense is beginning to prevail and weddings with an original, creative DIY factor are to be applauded at every turn.
For every outdated tradition that has been abolished, there's a new trend filling its place. Here are a few guidelines that might help you navigate the journey.
YOU'RE INVITEDThe invitation arrives and after calling to say you'd love to go you put it aside and forget all about it - until you get a reminder. Most of us suffer from degrees of commitment phobia but the reality is that the couple in question needs to know who can come.
Be sure to RSVP as soon and as graciously as you can. If you drop out, you will cost your hosts money. Stuff happens but be suitably contrite if you can't make the big day as a result of a last-minute situation. "Sending a text is simply not good enough," says Kate Deegan of Ennis-based Co-Ordination Made Easy (065-6848772).
Furthermore, if you have been invited on your own, it is not good manners to ask if you can bring a friend. Perhaps they may join you for the evening party - well after the meal.
YOU'RE INVITED OVERSEASReaction to an overseas wedding is usually mixed. Some love the idea of planning a holiday with friends. Others' finances simply won't stretch and yet they feel compelled to attend.
Guests must remember that they don't have to accept wedding invites. If you're making the trip, however, the couple in question will no doubt be grateful and consider your attendance alone as a generous gift.
There is a general consensus that any mention of a wedding list in association with a foreign wedding is non-U. It's up to you. See below.
IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO GO, DECLINE - DON'T GRUMBLE"I am always amazed that people grumble about attending multiple weddings," admits Confettimagazine editor Ciara Elliott. If you can't afford to go, or don't want to go, make your excuses and decline, she suggests. "The couple will probably not be as offended as you think, and it will free up space on the list for them to ask someone else, if you let them know in good time."
CHIC CHICKSWedding showers are the new hen nights. The task falls to the best friend or dearest sibling of the bride. Say no to silly hats, wigs and T-shirts. American bachelorette party is your dress code. Spa resorts such as Monart in Enniscorthy (053-9238999) or Aghadoe Heights in Killarney (064 31766) are most dignified.
MEN ONLYThe stag is still an overnight event. Boutique hotels in UK and Ireland, where a group of guys get to hang out and act like James Bond, sipping martinis, playing poker and smoking expensive cigars, are where they're at. Lisnavagh House in Co Carlow (059-9161473) or Bellinter House in Co Meath (046-9030900) are good for low-key get-togethers.
WHERE TO SAY I DOWhile there has been a lot of hype surrounding the loosening of the legislation regarding civil ceremonies, only 10 per cent of Irish weddings fall into this category. Most people still want a church wedding, says Peter Kelly of Weddings by Franc (025-32005) and they favour everything being onsite so venues with churches within walking distance are in big demand.
Civil ceremonies need to be held within a "solid structure", which means hilltop or on-the-beach ceremonies are still rare, says Kelly. If engaging in a registry-based service followed by a "spiritual" service somewhere else, be considerate of any guests who will find hillwalking challenging. Also, advise guests of any special footwear requirements. An Electric Picnic-type event or walks into a fairywood may sound like fun, but only as long as everyone has wellies if the going gets muddy, or at least flat shoes as well as stilettos.
WHAT TO SERVEThe four-course meal is no longer expected, says Tara Fay of Xena Productions (01-2698405). "The soup course has gone and has been replaced by an extended pre-drinks reception where champagne cocktails are served." (Speaking of which, don't waste good champagne with mixers, is her advice. Go for a sparkling wine or prosecco instead.)
The option of beef or salmon has become as outmoded as fund-raiser chicken in a basket. Lamb and monkfish are popular summer options - and hosts are finally putting some thought into their vegetarian option. There's a huge swing back towards the traditional iced cake, says Emer Murray of Galway wedding cake shop, Goyas (091-567010).
THE SPEECH"You would not believe the stuff I've had to take out of best man speeches," says Terry Prone, head of the Communication Clinic. "Serious references to the bride and her active past, illegal activities by the groom, whose mother is sitting beside him and need never know, double entendres and graphic sexploits of either party. All of this is unnecessary and unfunny. As for fathers-of-the-bride, they should try to avoid tedious references to people long dead."
BADLY BEHAVED BRIDESBridezilla is alive and well, says Ciara Elliott. "I recently heard of a bride who fired her two bridesmaids - one because she was pregnant, the other because she wasn't pulling her weight." Be afraid, very afraid.
WHAT TO GIVE?Smart money can be put into an art gallery fund, where guests can collectively help the couple buy a work of art that will be a part of their home and family life for years to come. Collective funds for travel are also prevalent as a way to shoulder the cost of an exotic honeymoon. Giving to charity is in favour, too. Some couples have already set up home together and don't need any household stuff. Oxfam Unwrapped (www.oxfamirelandunwrapped.com) is one way to redirect those gifts. Wedding lists are seen as a bit naff now, says Confetti's Elliott. An edited version with a few choice requests is much more popular so a group of friends can club together to buy you a top-of-the-range espresso maker, for instance.
Oh and newly-weds, thank you notes are expected. It is not acceptable to e-mail them, says Tara Fay.
HOW MUCH TO GIVE?Sticking with conventional gift-giving, €100 per head is considered average, says Elliott. Another more generous rule of thumb is to spend roughly as much as the couple is paying for you to attend. If the meal costs €150 per head then you might spend a similar amount on their gift - in a couple situation this means €300.
HOW MUCH DOES IT ALL COST? Wedding Journalputs the average wedding at €23,000, which seems extremely conservative. In 2003, one survey put the average spend at €25,000. Wedding planner Tara Fay says she reckons the average is between €40,000 and €50,000. But it doesn't have to . . . and you can always elope and come back and throw a party afterwards.
WHO PAYS?Most couples pay for their big day themselves, these days, as couple marry at a more advanced age. Parental contributions are given toward the honeymoon, which is often a twin destination affair.
The average guest spends between €400 and €500 on your big day, if overnighting at the hotel. Add new clothes, new hair and a present and your outlay could be as much as €1,000, which is why many couples are requesting no presents at all - your attendance is enough.
WHAT TO WEARThe best-dressed brides this season will be borrowing granny's 1940s wedding dress and customising it to create a demure, movie-star classic look, says Ciara Elliott. "There's a move towards waist-accented dresses. And high necks, embellished with jewels and or flowers, are a big hit with our brides," adds Marion Matthews of Mullingar's White Room (044-9347661).
Lace is another big trend, says Tara Fay. "Brides are opting for designer outfits, not necessarily of the wedding dress variety, with the notion that they'll wear them again. [In general, they don't, despite their best intentions.] They're also investing as much in their shoes as on the dress. Footwear they can name-check includes Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin."
Incidentally, don't forget that you can have shoes dyed afterwards, Jimmy Choos included.
On knot.com, an American trend-driven wedding site, they're advocating not one but two dresses for your big day. They suggest switching your look between ceremony and reception; new dress, new hair and new make-up so guests can do a double-take. No fears of impending recession in this land of make-believe.
The surge of interest in giving your wedding an eco-friendly flavour fits in with the idea of recycling the wedding dress worn by your mum, sister, auntie or granny. Brides on a budget can be clever by investigating Oxfam's Occasions, situated on the first floor of the branch in South George's Street in Dublin or Barnardos Bridal Boutique on George's Street in Dún Laoghaire. Another option is www.thedressmarket.net, which deals in used and end-of-line dresses.
Is the meringue as out-of-date on brides as it is on dessert menus? "Everyone laughs at the idea of a meringue-style dress, but the dress designers people love are Vera Wang and Monique L'Hullier - both queens of big puffy," says Ciara Elliott.
If you feel in need of style counsel, Conrad Hotels and Resorts (01-6028900) offers a wedding styling service that involves private time with stylist Jan Brierton, who styled this fashion shoot for us. She will offer advice on the dress, as well as ideas for hair and make-up.
Grooms, too, are getting in on the act and spending almost as much as brides. They're no longer strictly happy to hire a morning suit. Charcoal grey with mod proportions and styling is what's hot - if you can carry off the look. Bespoke is the best way to go if you're not of model proportions or rock-star skinny. Louis Copeland is one of the best-known tailors in the country and can make fellas of all shapes and sizes feel like a million dollars.
A lesser-known craftsman in Capel Street is Denis Darcy (01-8732256). The setting may not be as salubrious, but the finished garment fits like a glove. Unlike brides, most grooms get to wear their wedding suit again and again - so it makes sense to invest in a good black suit or dress suit.
As for the beleaguered, much-maligned bridesmaids, are they ever going to get their time in the sun? The short answer is no. It seems that brides are making ever more demands. "It is not acceptable to ask your bridesmaids to fork out for a frock, shoes etc, that they'll never wear again," says Kate Deegan of Ennis-based Co-Ordination Made Easy. In the States it is traditional for the bridesmaids to pay for their own frocks - but not here.
If you don't like the dresses selected for the bridesmaids, Ciara Elliott offers this advice: take the group on a pre-wedding social outing to see 27 Dresses. Katherine Heigl plays a long-suffering "always the bridesmaid" role. The vile confections she's forced to wear may make everyone sit up and pay attention, and think about how to make the bridesmaids look as radiant as the bride. Well, almost.