Comedian and pandologist
DAVID O'DOHERTY,and musician and tobogganist
LISA HANNIGANpresent a
new genre of ridiculous puzzle for Christmas
WE ARE BOTH terrible at crosswords. Despite being the children of champion crosswordists, we have failed to grasp even the most basic principles. No amount of explaining will ever make sense of phrases such as: “If it ends in a B that means it’s an anagram and the person has glasses,” or, “Look, an exclamation mark beside an F. So it’s a word of French derivation that rhymes with itself.” Like learning to drive and enjoying olives, getting good at crosswords was supposed to just happen when we got older. It hasn’t.
Maybe because of this, we both love puns. There are no sophisticated rules to punning, no indoctrination is necessary. In fact the crappier the pun, very often the funnier it is. Which member of Destiny’s Child could you jump up and down on at a children’s party? Beyoncé castle! What’s that film where Keira Knightley goes to get a printer cartridge during the second World War? Atonerment!
So we have attempted to create the first pun-based crossword. The kind that we might be able to do, if we hadn’t invented it. We’ve put the genre of answer in brackets. It’s generally the most obvious thing. So, “Jerry Maguire, reveal your simian to me! (Movie quote – 4, 2, 3, 6)” is “Show me the monkey”. “He knows when to hold ’em, knows when to fold ’em, knows when to be the biggest town in Donegal” (Singer – 11,6) is “Letterkenny Rogers”.
We have really struggled with a title for our creation. It was nearly Time and Pun-ishment, we thought about Pun for your Life, Pundora’s Box, Happiness is a Warm Pun. In the end we say climb aboard our punderly wagon. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Pun Intended. DO’D
PUZZLE
ACROSS
2 Michael J Fox goes back in time to look after his red flowering bushes (film – 4,2,3,7)
7 He looks wonderful tonight, especially standing in his church (musician – 6,7)
10 Yellow? It's got stuff growing on it! (band – 9)
13 Nicholson and Cruise, don't touch my elk! (film quote – 3,4,6,3,5)
17 The alien with the minor dermatological skin ailment (film character – 1,1:3,6,11)
20 When I've found what I'm looking for, I'll pay you back (band – 1,1,1,1)
21 Bogart's very warm and cosy house (film – 11).
DOWN
1 The artist formerly known as ground beef (musician – 5)
3 The salvation of a wrongly imprisoned cut of meat (film – 3,4,5,10)
4 This Notorious rapper's meaning was open to interpretation (rapper – 9,6)
5 The Boss of the evergreens (musician – 6,11)
6 Steinbeck's very powerful bagless hoover (book - 2,5,3)
8 Madonna doesn't like to be lectured by a thin Indian crispbread (song – 8,6)
9 Rumours of something fishy in this bed-hopping 1970s band (band – 9,8)
11 Short Star Wars robot, from Donnybrook (robot – 1,1,1,1)
12 She's far too young to laugh out loud (book – 6)
14 Icelandic singer's favourite chocolate bar. It's not for girls (musician – 7)
15 Lonely cat sings to the tune of Just One Cornetto (song – 1,4,4)
16 Hey Beach Boys, don't try riding a wave on that computer connector cable! (song – 6,1,1,1)
18 Camp Star Wars robot with a personal hygiene problem (robot – 1,1,1,1)
19 How long is a piece of The Police? (musician – 6)
And the answers are below
Solutions for the Pun Intended Crossword (page 8). Across: 2 Back to the Fuchsia. 7 Cleric Clapton. 10 Mouldplay. 13
You can't handle the moose. 17 ET: The Eczema Terrestrial. 20 I.O.U.2 21 Casablanket. Down: 1 Mince. 3 The Lamb
Shank Redemption. 4 Ambiguous Smalls. 5 Spruce Springsteen. 6 Of Dyson Men. 8 Poppadom Preach. 9 Fleetwood
Mackerel. 11 R2D4. 12 Lolita. 14 Bjorkie. 15 O Solo Meow. 16 Surfin USB. 18 C3BO. 19 String.
