CYBERSORTER:This week our social media agony aunt, AMANDA BROWN,looks at problems arising from checking out potential dates and exes online
Dear Cybersorter,
I am internet dating and I’m finding I’ve turned into an online stalker. I’ve been in a series of rubbish relationships and now I’m obsessed with searching the internet (and Facebook) to see what potential dates are like.
I’m chatting to three men who have told me their names (I can cross-reference this with their profile, as many still have public profiles) but it’s also very confusing. Some people’s profile can say “In a relationship” as a joke.
I set up a dummy Facebook account after I heard there is an app that can tell the owner who has visited their page. (I know it’s a fake app but, just in case, using the dummy means no one will know how often I click on them.)
I also regularly check ex-boyfriends’ and dates’ Facebook pages. It’s torture! Is this normal? Or am I turning into a freak? I’m a (fairly) intelligent and independent woman . . . why am I doing this? – GT
Dear GT,
How foolish would we all be to wilfully ignore and refuse to use the phenomenal resource of the internet to research strangers with whom we are considering any sort of a relationship? If one could go to a boyfriend library and look up any individual from A to Z, then one wouldn’t think twice.
It’s sensible to find out a bit about potential dates before you commit to meeting them, though it’s wise to bear in mind that most people try to shape their profiles in a positive light.
It’s unlikely someone’s Facebook profile will read “Education: High Hill High School and Prisoner Reform Centre”. If someone’s profile reads “In a relationship”, though, it’s very likely they actually are. Beware the man who tells you it is a joke. He is almost certainly lying.
There is a difference though, between checking profiles and information online and following them home from work every evening, wearing a wig and a large pair of sunglasses.
No matter how many spam “apps” you see doing the rounds on Facebook, there is not one that can actually tell you who has looked at your profile or how many times. Rather than set up a dummy account, you would do better to visit your privacy settings. Make sure only those who you’ve accepted as friends can see your profile.
Watching exes, though, is different. You need to break-up with them. Social media brings a crossover of relationships that rarely happened before. By checking their updates and focusing on what they are doing you are effectively keeping your side of the romance burning.
One-sided romances are never fun. In fact, you describe it as torture. Stop torturing yourself. Avoid them by deleting exes off your friend lists or at least hiding their updates. You need to feel the void to know it’s actually over and move on.
You are not alone, a recent survey by relationships website YourTango.com found 48 per cent admitted to checking their exes’ Facebook profile too often. You are not a freak, but next time you’re tempted to check the ex, step away from the computer, make a cup of tea and consider what you’re doing to yourself.