Bitten by the rally bug? Michael McAleer volunteered to try his skills at the Rally Ireland School amid the rolling Monaghan hills
On the top of one of the rolling hills of Monaghan, under a blue sky and a low lying sun, the soft breeze cuts around our ears. Then bang, an explosion of noise echoes through the undulating drumlins. Step aside Patrick Kavanagh, or you may be run over.
The stony grey soil may have stolen Kavanagh's youth, but for us it offered no such foreboding. In the picturesque setting of Scotstown lies the venue for one of the best ways to pass your free time and brush up on your cornering technique.
Forget the 18-hole hike, otherwise known as golf, or the other "enlightened" forms of corporate entertainment. If you want to win that contract, take your clients to rally school and teach them to drive sideways.
The trainers are affable chaps, with the patience of Job. Participant ages vary greatly from 16 years upwards and they boast a clientele in the autumn of their years as well.
It's not just a stomping ground for males to show their driving prowess. Owner David Smyth points to a long line of female participants who put their boastful male colleagues in their place. The school is run by David and his brother, Malachy, who previously worked with the Prodrive team - travelling the world on the WRC circuit. The facilities are also popular with many rally drivers who hone their skills on the track before competitions.
So, to the day itself. First, a quick visit to the coffee room where an in-car video is playing on the television. "One-left 60 followed by four-right and three-left over crest," rattles out of the co-driver like a machine gun. And, in quick succession, the driver flicks the car through the corners like it's on rails. Are we really going to be able to take orders like this? Not initially anyway - thank God.
The five-minute briefing is relevant and well-delivered. Keep repeating in your mind: brake straight, turn into corner and accelerate out; brake straight, turn into corner and accelerate out. Also forget about feeding the steering wheel through your hands, unless you fancy getting a good look at the surrounding fields.
Then it's on with overalls and helmet. After a quick introductory lap or two with the instructor, we break and prepare for action. The best point about this school is that theorists should stay at home. You get plenty of laps in here - as your body will remind you next morning.
The track varies from short bursts of asphalt and concrete to long stretches of gravel which, by the end of the day, becomes a deeply trenched mud bath.
First off you crawl in behind the wheel of a Mark II Escort, the ultimate side driver. Every cameraman's dream, this car has an exciting trait which makes the rear seem to be in a constant race with the front of the car, determined to corner first. The result: most of your time is spent driving sideways. Initially this can be unnerving but, once you realise that there's nothing you can hit or damage, you soon find yourself pushing the tail out further as you exit the corner, getting the balance right between brake and accelerator.
Rally driving is less about extremes and, particularly in the slippery gravel conditions, more akin to a dance. Someone once said the perfect driver is someone with the feet of a ballet dancer and the hands of a surgeon - it's in these conditions that you realise just how true it is. The car is your partner in this fast-paced tango and, if you step down too hard on its toes, it'll slap you across the face.
The last corner, in front of the main building and below the glass observation tower, is the tightest and requires a handbrake turn. Barely out of the tight chicane you are deciding whether to accelerate, brake, clutch or hand brake. All carried out in the same time it takes most of us to turn on the indicator. Then it's foot to the floor and the scream of the engine - that deep-throated scream and rattle.
Once you've completed two outings in the Escort, both quite lengthy, you move into the premier league - the 320 bhp Subaru Impreza. A €70,000 purpose-built rally car identical to that competing in the World Rally Championship (WRC), this four-wheel drive beast is less forgiving of the clod foot.
The glories of power steering are quickly appreciated after tugging and pushing the heavy wheel of the Escort. The power difference is also at play and the concentration levels are more intense as you consider not only the corner you are approaching but the next one as well . . . as you are braking for this 100-degree bend you will be at the apex of the next in a matter of seconds.
After a brief, hearty lunch and talk of mistakes on the corners, reminiscences of greats such as Bertie Fisher, it's back behind the wheel of a Ford Ka. Well, it may look like a Ka, but it doesn't sound like a Ka. For a change it's front wheel drive and as such is more prone to understeer than anything else.
For those with more adventure, there is the opportunity to drive either the Metro 6R4 or Audi Quattro. You will rarely get the opportunity to drive such cars again.
Overall, it's a brilliant way to spend the day, and educational too. Honest. In fact, as of 2004 all prospective rally drivers must have completed a course such as this before they enter a race.
And you never know, you may get bitten by the rally bug. All you need is about €30,000, a good sponsor to cover expenses and a friend who can read pace notes while hurtling between hedgerows and stone walls at 130mph.
One visitor to the school was Dermot Hanafin. Two years ago he attended the school after getting a voucher from his brother. This year he's taking on the Irish Tarmac Championship Group N.
Personally, I can feel the teeth marks of that particular bug. Anyone know the number of a friendly bank manager?
Rally School Ireland is at www.rallyschoolireland.ie or 047 89098