'TIS A well-known fact that there's money in brass. But did you know that there's cash in rusting slabs of pig-iron too? As long as you have the mettle, you too can find a fortune in metal literally lying around on the side of the street, writes Kilian Doyle
It seems an intrepid bunch of crooks, having worked out that scrap dealers don't ask questions, has targeted the manhole covers of Derry as a potential goldmine. They've lifted 30 covers - weighing around 50 kilos each - over the past few weeks. They must be rolling it in.
I say "bunch" of crooks because, while I have no proof, I'm assuming there's more than one of them. Either that or there is a kleptomaniac Bulgarian weightlifter on the loose in Derry.
If you see him, approach with extreme caution. Better still, just run away. He'll be too laden down to chase after you. I imagine you are wondering what the police are doing about these gaping holes all over Derry's streets? Why, they're looking into them, of course.
Of course, the PSNI aren't the only police force on the hunt for light-fingered and heavy-muscled crooks. You'll remember the story some months back of the theft of 20 tonnes of metal from an autobahn near Frankfurt. Crooks dismantled 500 four-metre central reservation strips overnight and carted them off, never to be seen again.
Police believe the team would have needed a special truck with lifting devices and several hours of undisturbed work to complete their task.
"We are puzzled how the thieves were able to escape with their load without anyone noticing," a German police spokesman said before a passing pickpocket, noticing he was distracted by a mob of sniggering reporters surrounding him, deftly removed Herr Spokesman's trousers before driving off in his squad car.
While in no way condoning this highway robbery, I have to express some admiration for the culprits. The logistics were evidently no barrier to their mission. Zincing big as they were, they just girded themselves to the task. One can't but be impressed by their steely determination.
Formidable though they are, they pale into insignificance when compared with the antics of Eastern European gangs of metal-marauders.
Between them, they've lifted more bridges this year than the dude who presses the button to raise the Eastlink. Honourable mention must go to the posse of iron-rustlers who stole a four-tonne railway bridge in the Czech border town of Cheb, and the span-stealers who appropriated two Macedonian bridges last February. But first prize goes to the Russian gang that lifted a 200-tonne 11.5-metre bridge in Khabarovsk earlier this year. The mind boggles.
The common connection between all these heists? Not one witness has raised their head above the parapets. Which isn't all that surprising, when you think about it.
If you saw twenty guys busily dismantling Dublin's Ha'Penny Bridge at three o'clock on Monday morning, would it occur to you to call the Gardaí?
All of this is bringing me to another bridge that many people wish had been nicked years ago, namely the Westlink. The NRA, proud owner of this detested stretch of misery, is currently engaged in tearing down the toll plaza that stands guard like Cerberus at its entrance. But because it's in the middle of a motorway, it'll have to be dismantled rather than demolished. The NRA warned it will take eight weeks to complete, at great inconvenience to the poor drones foundering away in M50 traffic porridge.
I have a cunning plan. May I suggest that the NRA calls a few Eastern European ironmen in to do the job?
They'd have the whole thing stripped and shipped off to a Siberian tractor factory in mere hours. The NRA gets its plaza removed, long-suffering motorists get the amenity they're paying for and some Russian gangsters line their pockets. Job done.