FIRST DRIVE - PORSCHE PANAMERA:Porsche reckon the Panerama is a class-defining car, but KEVIN HACKETTfinds it a few degrees below freezing.
I’M SITTING on a derestricted stretch of empty autobahn and the digital speedo is reading 300km/h. My passenger, sitting in one of the car’s rear seats, appears to be perfectly calm and I can converse with him without raising my voice. The car feels solid, planted, unstoppable – as though this is the optimum speed at which it operates. The world is whizzing past in a green blur and I should feel totally alive, adrenaline thumping through my every vein.
Unfortunately, I don’t feel alive at all. Welcome to the Porsche Panamera, possibly (as a friend of mine has cruelly dubbed it) the world’s ultimate four-bore. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad car – far from it – but it doesn’t live up to the hype that Porsche has heaped upon its ungainly head.
It’s the arrogance of Porsche that gets me. The company claims that, with the Panamera, it has created an entirely new market sector that will come to be known the world over as, wait for it, the “Panamera class”. Well dream on guys – it won’t happen. There’s nothing new here. Imagine a Jensen Interceptor for the noughties with an extra couple of doors but without the Italianate good looks, and you’ll get the measure of this new Porsche.
Looking at it in the metal, it would seem the only thing Porsche’s design team did was to put every styling cue from every car Porsche has built over the past decade into a blender with the Panamera as the result.
Oh yes – with the addition of some side-strakes lifted straight from the previous generation of Hyundai coupé. If I was feeling charitable, I’d say it was “distinctive”. But I’m not. In fact, it looks like a Cayenne that’s been squashed by a lift. From behind, if you squint a little you’d swear it was an Audi TT, having consumed a few too many pies.
Inside, things are better but still hardly revolutionary. A massive centre console dominates the interior, bisecting it into two distinct halves. It sweeps up to the dash like in an old Ferrari 400 and myriad buttons and switches do add a – no doubt intentional – Learjet vibe. And at least, despite the derivative instrument cluster, it looks nothing like a 911 in here.
Our test car is covered inside with a very 1980s cream leather which extends over the top of the dashboard, creating terrible reflections in the windscreen. Everything else seems quite agreeable though, and I do have to make mention of the optional Burmester audio system, which is quite sensational.
On the move, there’s a distinct lack of any noise whatsoever, which is a shame because later, when another journalist tears past me as I stop to swap driver’s seat for passenger’s, his car sounds terrific. More importantly, there’s a lack of driver thrills. If you’ve ever driven a new 911 Turbo you’ll understand what speed really is. And, even though you feel remote from proceedings in the blown 911, it’s still a special experience. The Panamera Turbo doesn’t come close to that sensation of speed, despite the on-paper facts and figures. It should feel stupidly fast but those 500 horses seem to be having a bit of a doze.
The Turbo is fitted, as standard with Porsche’s hateful, counter-intuitive PDK dual-clutch transmission and, to be honest, I don’t mind it in this car like I do in a Boxster or 911 because it suits being used as an automatic. So I leave it in Drive and if I want some extra performance dynamics just hit the Sport Plus button, which firms up the air suspension and remaps the throttle, holding on to its ratios for far longer.
In town you become aware of the Stop/Start function, which Porsche reckons is a significant pollutant reducer. The transmission automatically selects second gear to start off again in, though, and this gives a sensation akin to a slipping clutch. It’s annoying and serves to alienate the driver even more.
Swapping seats, I discover the rear quarters to be a rather pleasant place to spend time. I even manage to have a snooze, and the sound from that Burmester system is even more impressive back here. It’s not overly generous in legroom but you wouldn’t struggle to keep two adults comfortable on a cross-continent dash.
There’s more competition out there for the Panamera than Porsche will admit. If you want to seat four adults in comfort at supercar-baiting speeds, the Audi RS6, BMW M5, Mercedes CLS AMG or Jaguar XFR offer everything you need. And the fact that you could buy an XFR and still have enough change for a Boxster is, for me, the most compelling argument against the Panamera.
As a child of the 1970s, it was Porsche that fired my imagination and started my obsession with cars. The power of the badge means Porsche will undoubtedly shift its ideal 20,000 units a year, but for all the company’s marketing spin about the essential, unmistakable Porsche DNA being prevalent in this new model, I feel the need to call in a forensics team because I just can’t find any. It leaves me cold and that, after all these years championing the brand, is a heartbreaking thing.
Factfile Porsche Panamera
Engine:4,806cc twin-turbo V8 putting out 500bhp and 700Nm of torque
Transmission:Seven-speed dual-clutch auto, four-wheel drive
Max speed:303 km/h
0-100km/h:4.2 seconds
L/100km:12.2 (23.2mpg)
CO2 emissions:286g/km
Price:to be announced
On sale:September 2009