Finding the perfect bike is like the search for the Holy Grail - but Geoff Hillhas at least found the Holy Trinity
A MOTORCYCLING gentleman sitting at his favourite window seat in the Frog and Ferret on a Friday evening enjoying a pint of Old Sparrowfart and a hearty venison pie may look as calm as a summer pond on the outside.
But on the inside, his mind is a maelstrom that would make the very Atlantic in the clutches of a winter storm seem as placid as that very pond.
You see, he is wrestling with that eternal question of gentleman motorcyclists: what is the perfect motorcycle?
The problem is, though, that the reason it is eternal is because there is no answer.
The perfect motorcycle for going around the world, for example, may be the BMW R1200GS if you stick to roads and won’t be parted from your kitchen sink; the Moto Guzzi Stelvio if you want to cut a stylish dash as you proceed; the KTM 990 Adventure if a streak of madness runs in your veins and you are planning to ride to South Africa through sand, mud and swamp.
The perfect motorcycle for riding across the US is a Harley Road King Classic – and for riding to Mars and back, the Triumph Rocket III.
If you’re riding from Land’s End to John O’Groats, it has to be the new Thunderbird from the same company, and if you’re roaring around the leafy lanes of Kent in a helmet and goggles, it must be the Thruxton.
Need to get from A to B by yesterday and arrive surprised you’re still alive? The Kawasaki ZX-10 Ninja. Want to look like a postmodern Flash Gordon? Suzuki Hayabusa.
It’s surprising, therefore, that the peace and calm of a Friday evening at the Frog and Ferret is not interrupted more often by the arrival of two men in white coats to gently bring the gibbering wreck of a motorcycling gentleman off the premises.
But the good news is that I may have found an alternative to the frontal lobotomy since, in the immortal words of well-known biker Patrick Kavanagh, I’d rather have a bottle in front of me.
It is the Kawasaki ZZR 1400. Critics of early versions complained that the engine did nothing below 5,000rpm, then took off like a starving greyhound after Bugs Bunny.
The Kawasaki boffins went away, scratched their heads a bit, then boosted the air in and out by enlarging the cylinder ports and valves, tweaking the injectors and redesigning the silencers, all with the aim of smoother power and torque curves.
And what they’ve come up with is the most comfortable space rocket on the planet: a flying machine that does 0-60mph in 2.5 seconds, but has a riding position as comfortably upright as the big old Dutch bicycles you see chained up outside Amsterdam coffee shops.
With 197bhp, thanks to the ram-air induction system, it’s as powerful as a ZX-10 Ninja, yet absurdly easy to ride, thanks to a holy trinity of rigid aluminium monocoque frame, engine position and rear suspension linkage. In fact, it’s just as competent trickling through town at walking pace as blasting down the autobahn all day at warp speed – and all night too, with not one, not two, but four headlights.
Add a relaxed riding position, low pegs, excellent mirrors and an instrument panel that tells you everything from which gear you’re in to the time of high tide in Hong Kong and you have as close to the perfect all-round motorcycle as you’ll ever get.
If you need more proof, it is the favourite everyday bike of Phillip McCallen.
I rest my case. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a pint of Old Sparrowfart at the Frog and Ferret with my name on it.
Factfile Kawasaki ZZR 1400
Engine:1,352cc liquid- cooled, fuel-injected, four- stroke, in-line four-cylinder, DOHC, four valves per cylinder
Max power:187bhp, 197bhp with ram-air system, @ 9,500rpm
Max torque:113.5lb ft @ 7500rpm.
Top speed:295.6km/h
Transmission and drive:six-speed, chain final drive
Suspension:front 43mm inverted forks; rear Kayaba single shock
Brakes:front two 310mm discs with four-piston calipers; rear single 250mm disc with two-piston caliper
Dry weight:215kg
Fuel capacity:22 litres
Price:€13,950. Kawasaki Distributors Ireland (01-456 7234). UK price £10,968
(Test bike from Phillip McCallen, Lisburn, 028 92 622 886, philipmccallen.com)