Sunshine gives way to thundery showers, says Isabel Morton

DESPITE HAVING just experienced the wettest summer in the last 50 years, there is no meteorological proof that the weather is any better or worse than it has ever been, climate change or no climate change.

According to Ray McGrath, head of research in Met Éireann, meteorological records over the last century have shown that Irish summers were a mixed bag, with glorious sunshine some years and grim, dull weather in others.

Why then, pray tell me, have Irish people spent the last decade or so, living their lives as if this country enjoyed a hot Mediterranean climate?

Had our little island made a temporary geographic move south, in the general direction of the equator? One can only surmise that, having had the sun shine down on our economy, we felt it was physically shining down on us as well.

Irish females, some barely in their teens, emulated Californian babes with peroxide hair, bleached teeth, bronzed bodies, oversized "shades", and minimal clothing.

Now that "normality" has returned, new rules apply: female California wannabes will revert to type with mousy hair, preferably curly, translucent skin, calf length rough tweed coats and solid brogues.

The convertible car roofs which, when the sun shone for more than 10 minutes, used to perform acrobatic displays as they tucked themselves neatly away, to reveal their sun worshipping drivers - are now banned. Replacements come in the form of reject Irish Army jeeps. If you want them to convert, you remove the khaki canvas covering.

Fines are being imposed on those who attempt to tame the rugged Irish terrain into sleek minimalist gardens. The term "outdoor room" will no longer be permitted to be used in general parlance and certainly not in print. The use of one's private garden or indeed any public outdoor space, for any form of recreational activity will be subject to a fine.

Owners of urban gardens must remove all signs of designer gravel, clipped box hedging, lollipop bay trees and swaying bamboos. Ditto for garden lighting and audio systems and designer water features.

The Government has created a team of garden bailiffs (made up of unemployed builders) whose job it is to confiscate all garden furniture including hammocks, swinging seats, sun loungers and parasols. They will be sold off to the new sunshine states of Moscow and St Petersburg. Private swimming pools are being taken over by the state and turned into public bathing houses; as from January 2009, it will be against the law to have any form of bathroom in a private home.

Toilets (one per home) may only be flushed once per day and hands may not be washed, but dipped into a vat of disinfectant.

All "decklanders" will be lined up on their lichen-covered timber decks and publicly executed by David McWilliams himself. Tickets will be sold for the spectacle and the proceeds will go to the ex-DIY store employees' benevolent fund. The aforementioned timber decks will be disassembled, chopped up and sold as firewood.

Architects will be retrained to design traditional Irish cottages with minuscule windows and half doors. They will not be permitted to use the terms "space" or "light" or indeed "void", much less incorporate them in their plans. All smart glass box kitchen extensions will be levelled and the vast panes of toughened glass reused as greenhouses for growing fruit and vegetables on the ground the gargantuan kitchen once occupied.

Sleek glossy designer kitchen units, phallic taps, American fridges, steam ovens, coffee machines, etc, are to be removed from private homes and sold on to China where they are enjoying the recent success of the eastern tiger economy.

Irish people will revert to cooking on an open fire or on their rusty old gas barbecue, for as long as their stock of gas lasts. Freezers and fridges will no longer be required as there will be no additional food stock to store or freeze.

Pavement cafés, beer gardens, outdoor dining areas, etc, will be closed forthwith, in the event that the Irish public may actually experience a "continental moment" whilst enjoying a ray or two of forbidden sunshine.

Outdoor events such as pop concerts and music festivals will be cancelled, as will farmers' markets and any other street event which might be construed as being Mediterranean in style and in any way reliant on dry weather.

The sunny days, whether real or imaginary, are over. The weather has reflected our economy. Last summer wasn't great and this summer was a washout. The time has come to stop pretending that we live in tropical paradise, but accept the fact that we enjoyed a long hot holiday, have some great memories, and a few nice mementoes, but are now back at work.