Children of addicts can be very confused about what is happening in their home, while many feel responsible for their parents' behaviour, writes JOANNE HUNT
WITH A reputation for rehabilitating Hollywood’s elite, the Betty Ford Centre is a household name. But while famous alumni include Liz Taylor, Johnny Cash and Lindsay Lohan, the centre also works with children, 40 per cent of whom live on or below the poverty line.
“We have a programme for boys and girls who are growing up in families where there is alcoholism or drug addiction,” explains Jerry Moe, vice-president and national director of children’s programmes at the Betty Ford Centre.
“Children often feel incredibly confused about what’s happening in their home.”
On the cause of their confusion, Moe says: “Alcoholism and drug addiction are characterised by silence, secrecy and denial that there’s a problem – it’s not as if anyone has explained to the child, ‘Hey, this is what’s happening to your mom or your dad’.”
With a child typically brought in by the parent who does not have the addiction or by their grandparents, the centre offers a four-day intensive programme for seven to 12 year olds, many of them mistakenly believing they have done something to cause their loved one’s addiction.
“When someone is in the throes of alcoholism or drug addiction, that becomes their focus and children don’t understand what in the world is going on – ‘How come Dad isn’t spending more time with me, or why does Mom fall asleep so early, why is she so grumpy?’ Many children somehow believe they’ve done something wrong to cause the problem,” says Moe.
Moe says even children of three and four can pick up on the chaos, though it might not be until later on when spending time at a friend’s house that they realise not every home is like theirs.
Some 40 per cent of the children attending the centre are from families where the addiction is ongoing, says Moe; so many parents are still in denial that their child needs help.
“There’s resistance from the parent using or drinking who says, ‘Hey, there isn’t a problem here, we don’t have an issue in our family’.”
But there can be resistance from parents who have recovered too, he says.
“It can be very difficult for a parent to come to terms with the fact that their drinking has affected their kids. I mean, who in their right mind would ever want to hurt their kids?”
The centre tries to do a number of distinct things with the children who attend, according to Moe.
“Number one is we want to teach kids about what alcoholism and drug addiction are. We especially want them to see that it’s not their fault and they are not to blame and we also want to make children realise that they cannot make it better, because so many of them try to in a whole variety of ways.”
The final thing they teach children, says Moe, is that alcoholism runs in families.
“If someone in your family already has it, that gives you a higher chance to get it when you’re older and the only way we know for children not to get it is not to drink and not to use drugs.”
Asked if total abstinence is realistic, Moe says, “The children’s programme is really about trying to push back the age of first use.”
The children of alcoholics and drug addicts tend to voice similar feelings in the therapy sessions, he notes.
“They talk about how scared they are that maybe they are going to get hurt or maybe they are going to die. They talk about feeling guilty and believing that they’ve done something wrong . . . and they talk about getting yelled at or blamed for things they didn’t do.”
Moe says rather than these child testimonies being heartbreaking, they are full of hope.
“When they are able to do this when they are nine or 11 years old and not carry that stuff around inside, there’s this huge possibility that maybe families can heal and people can move beyond this and have wonderful lives,” he says.
“I could take you across our campus and maybe someone is 53 or 38 and they have an addiction and they are just beginning to talk about what happened to them when they were kids.”
Moe says the recession is exacerbating children’s worries.
“I’m 34 years doing this and in the past year or 18 months, I’ve heard more boys and girls talk about money and worry if they have enough – is there enough money for food, if we lose our home, where are we going to live?”
So while the centre, founded by the wife of former US president Gerald Ford who herself revealed an addiction to painkillers and alcohol after leaving the White House, charges up to $27,000 (€19,050) for 30-day adult in-patient treatment, Moe says “no child is ever turned away due to inability to pay”.
“Money is not going to preclude anyone from participating in a children’s programme.
“Alcohol is blind to the colour of your skin, religion, education and how much money you have in the bank – it’s an equal opportunities disease.”
Looking at alcoholism and drug addiction as a family disease, the clinic reaches out to the whole family.
“While on the one hand it’s sad, on the other I feel joy because of the possibilities. The possibility of changing a family legacy is huge.”
Organised by Toranfield House Centre, Jerry Moe will give a free lecture entitled Alcoholism: Changing the Family Legacy at the Stillorgan Park Hotel, Dublin, tonight from 8pm-9.30pm
“It can be very difficult for a parent to come to terms with the fact that their drinking has affected their kids – Jerry Moe, vice-president and national director of children’s programmes at the Betty Ford Centre
