Your parenting questions answered by JOHN SHARRY
Q
We have a five-year-old daughter who is very attached to her teddy which she seems to need all the time. Very often her mood can be hugely influenced by the availability or not of the toy. Should we allow a limitless contact with the teddy, even if a side effect is sucking her thumb and possibly affecting her teeth? She is generally a very good child otherwise.
A
About 60 per cent of young children develop an attachment to a special toy such as a teddy or a blanket which they use as a comforter when they are tired or stressed or as part of the bedtime routine to help them sleep. From a psychological perspective these are called “transitional objects” as they represent a transitional stage from the child depending on comfort from their parents to being self-reliant and able to comfort themselves.
Generally, transitional objects are thought to be a good thing for children because they help them learn to relax and regulate their emotions and can be a practical prop in helping children settle to sleep at night. They only are a problem if they become socially inappropriate or if the child becomes overdependent in a way that interferes with their life (for example, if a child feels the need to take a teddy to school everyday, when this may not be possible).
Often children grow out of their dependence on a toy in their own time, or at least learn to restrict it to limited use. For example, some children will stop using their teddy during the day as they get older (perhaps due to peer pressure), but will continue to use it as a comfort at bedtime.
You have the added complication of your daughter sucking her thumb and possible affecting her teeth. However, if you are concerned, I think you might be able to separate these issues and continue to allow your daughter access to her teddy, but only if she does it without sucking her thumb.
You could also explore with your daughter learning other comfort strategies that are not dependent on having her teddy with her, such as using another toy, or teaching her how to relax herself, maybe by reading, doing exercise or sitting down in a relaxing space and counting her breaths. The bigger repertoire of strategies she has, the better for her.
Q
I have a three-year-old girl who is very attached to her soother. It used to be kept in the cot but came out of there and was used more when her baby brother came along 10 months ago. We have succeeded in keeping the soother confined to the house but trying to get her to keep it in the cot leads to a lot of tears. Her brother has one but only in the cot. I would like to see the soother put back in the cot or gone altogether. Should we try to take it off her altogether or try to get her to leave it in the cot. We did try for her to leave it for Santa at Christmas, but she said she didn’t want to and said she didn’t like Santa. I don’t want to cause her trauma but I think she is of an age that the soother should be going.
A
In a similar way to the previous question, a soother represents a comfort object for a child that they can easily become dependent on for comfort or for going asleep. While parents are often happy for babies and possibly toddlers to use soothers, they are less happy about preschoolers continuing the habit, mainly because of the social judgment that this is inappropriate and the legitimate concern that it can affect a child’s speech articulation.
It is a challenge to help a child move on from a soother, as it can become a little addictive and make it a habit that is hard to kick. You have the added complication of having a new baby in the house, and you want to make sure you handle the situation in a way that your daughter does not perceive it as favouritism (lots of children regress a little on the arrival of a new baby, as a means of getting their parents’ attention).
You can either make a rule of banning the soother altogether or use a more gradual approach and confine the soother to the cot for sleeping. The latter option will probably work better for you because it is the same rule for the baby. Either way you will probably still encounter tears, when she wants her soother and it is not available. In those instances you can be very sympathetic and comfort her, while holding your ground about the rule.
It can help also if you can distract her and have lots of positive options for her, especially in the first week or so. For example, when she misses the soother you can take out a couple of special toys or give her a special cuddle on the couch as you watch a DVD or read a favourite book together.
It is also a good idea to try to get your daughter’s co-operation before you start by explaining what is happening and motivating her by giving her a special gift to replace the soother or setting up a reward chart whereby she gets a star each day she manages without it. Another system is to give her three “tokens” a day which she can “cash in” for five minutes’ comfort with the soother. Over time you can reduce the tokens as she becomes more able to give up the soother. This has the advantage of being gradual while also giving her the responsibility of choosing when she needs the comfort of the soother most.
Dr John Sharry is a social worker and psychotherapist and director of Parents Plus charity. His website is solutiontalk.ie.
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but John regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com