How do you and your daughter cope when she announces she's pregnant? One family tells their story to SHEILA WAYMAN
LIKE MOST grandmothers to be, Lynda Cruise finds herself heading into the baby department of shops and exclaiming over cute, dinky clothes that are hard to resist.
But, at the age of 42, she had not anticipated preparing for the role of grandparent quite so soon. A “Ma, I’m pregnant” text from her eldest child, Rebecca (17), came out of the blue last June.
“I have to admit it was a bit of a shock,” says Lynda, who also has twin girls aged eight. However, she was glad her daughter felt she could tell her as soon as she found out, “even if it was in a text”.
So what about the teenager as she suddenly finds herself on a fast-track to adulthood?
And how do parents like Lynda and her husband Dave (45) adjust to the news of something that nobody would wish on their daughter in her fifth year at secondary school?
How does the daughter feel?
'I WAS completely speechless; it was like my whole life flashed in front of me. I could not believe it," says Rebecca of the moment she saw her pregnancy test was positive. She was only three and a half weeks into it, yet she knew something wasn't right.
She and her boyfriend had unprotected sex only once, she says – on other occasions they had used contraception.
Rebecca told her best friend immediately about the pregnancy before texting her mother about an hour later. "I knew she would be disappointed, so I felt I could not really say it to her, but I did want to tell her straight away. I am glad I did."
Her advice to anybody in the same situation is to confide in your parents right away. "I know this other girl who left it and from what she told me the wait is a lot worse. It eats you up."
Now the realisation that she is going to have a baby has sunk in, Rebecca can't wait. "Some days, I stop and think and worry a little, about missing out on things, but there is nothing I can do about it. So once that day is gone, the next day is a lot better."
She worries about things such as: "My friends going out and I couldn't; not knowing what I am supposed to do when the baby comes; taking time off school and going back and trying to catch up."
The school has been "brilliant", teachers very supportive and she is not alone in facing the challenge of young motherhood. One girl in her class left at Halloween mid-term and was due to give birth last week and a girl in sixth year is also expecting. "At least I have them to talk to."
Has she encountered any negative reaction? "When I am out I get looks. I have only had one run-in at school – I thought I would have a lot more, to be honest. They all look, but everyone would – it doesn't bother me."
At the time of talking, she is hoping to find out if the baby is a boy or girl at a scan the following week. "I am too impatient to wait." She has bought the buggy and hopes to have a cot soon.
She is determined to give breastfeeding a go. "I heard that it is great for the baby and for the mum. It is worth trying."
In all of this, Rebecca says she would be lost without her "amazing" mother. "I was close to my Ma, but I am really close to her now."
She did not know what she wanted to do after leaving school, but when she became pregnant "I felt my life was decided for me". Now she sees it as "just a different route. It does not mean it is going to be bad, just different".
How do the parents feel?
THE REVELATION that Rebecca was pregnant came at a traumatic time for the Co Kildare family, as a much-loved grandmother was dying and they were up and down to her in hospital.
"My husband's mother was our main concern – we were distraught," explains Lynda. However, they did reassure their "devastated" daughter that as a family they would cope and everything would be fine.
"It is not that Rebecca went on the back burner; we knew we were going to have to deal with it but we weren't going to deal with it at that time."
Yet somewhere in those following eight weeks "we processed all of this", says Lynda. "As soon as the funeral was over, we had pretty much accepted, 'This is it, let's get on with it'."
In retrospect, the timing of events helped to put the pregnancy into perspective. "I think having lost somebody who is very important to us, you realise that Rebecca was not diagnosed with a terminal illness, she had not signed a life sentence going on drugs and she had not been killed in an accident. This was such a good thing when you add up all of that. Certainly we would rather have one more than one less."
Initially, the Cruises worried about Rebecca's education and her future. "But the reality is she still has a future. It is not the end of the world – it is just different from what we had expected. I think as parents we have expectations for our children and we get disappointed when they don't follow through."
Yes, they have to change their own life plans around this too, "but it has not been that hard to do because we are looking forward to a baby". There will be "tut-tuts" from other people, she acknowledges, "but the bottom line is, when we close our door at night, it is not going to affect anybody but ourselves. We are going to be the ones dealing with it."
The plan is that Rebecca will continue at school for as long as possible before the arrival of the baby, due in February. She plans to avail of home tuition soon after the birth and then, all going well, return to school in April.
Lynda, who is a stay-at-home mother, will care for the baby after Rebecca returns to school, "but when she comes home she'll be Mammy. We will do it in such a way that she will still be able to concentrate on her studies and I think that is important."
Although they have sorted the logistics, it will be very much a case of playing it by ear, says Lynda, whose priority now is that Rebecca enjoys her pregnancy. "She will never have a first pregnancy again and I think it is important as far as bonding with the baby is concerned."
She does not want her daughter to suffer for a so-called "mortal sin" or, as Lynda prefers to term it, "a lapse of judgment". "It is not the ideal time, it is not the ideal situation and it is not something necessarily that you plan, but things happen." And now, with just over two months to go, "we can't help but be excited", Lynda says with undisguised glee.
When she and her husband first started discussing with Rebecca the implications of her pregnancy, they did not pretend it was going to be easy. "There are harsh realities that are attached to the fact that she is 17, having a baby and having to finish school – that is the fact of the matter. 'Flitting' has gone from her vocabulary."
However, they believe it is important that she still has a social life. "To form as a whole person she needs to be able to have a little bit of freedom as well as grounding – the baby will certainly ground her."
Lynda and Dave were dreading telling their younger daughters, who were still being given the storybook view of life: when you grow up, you fall in love, get married and along comes a baby. They worked themselves up for a long and difficult conversation, wondering what questions the girls would ask and how they were going to answer them.
"Their only question when we told them Rebecca was going to have a baby was 'When?' They ran out the door delighted and my husband and I looked at each other and said, 'What were we worried about?' Since then they have not asked another question."
As her pregnancy progresses, Rebecca has different concerns and they have "talked and talked – not at her but to her. She always feels she can come to us and we will thrash it out".
We all raise our children to be independent, Lynda points out, and supporting Rebecca in this next challenge in her life is no different, she suggests, from, say, teaching her to drive.
"She needs to feel confident about it, she needs to know we are behind her and that she can take the lead. She will be Mum, but all she has to do is ask and we will be there for her." For all their sakes, she thinks it is important that they play their separate roles.
"Maybe this is idealistic of me as opposed to realistic, but I would like to think that I would be able to stand back and allow her to do what she needs to do as the baby's parent. I hope I can do that."
During the summer, Lynda watched Rebecca "go from being a teenager to this mature girl who knew she had such a huge responsibility ahead of her". She is working very hard at school, to help compensate for missing at least six to eight weeks in the new year. "It is sad to see my little girl go in such a short space of time. But if she had not matured, I would be beginning to feel a lot more worried!"
The best advice Lynda says she could give to other parents in their position "is just to talk and to listen and not accuse". Has the pregnancy brought mother and daughter closer? "I wouldn't change the baby for the world," replies Lynda. "She is like my shadow and I absolutely love it."
'THE BABY CAN BE AT HOME . . . BUT THE BUMP IS SEEN AS MAYBE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE SCHOOL'
There were 2,203 births to women under 20 years of age in the Republic last year – continuing a downward trend –
and the vast majority of those would be unplanned pregnancies.
It means the lives of these young parents are changed, but they do not have to be ruined, says Margaret Morris, national co-ordinator of the Teen Parents Support Programme (TPSP). But she warns: "Unless they are supported to grow into the parenthood role and cope with a baby, and are also supported to continue their education, they can find themselves in a downward spiral."
Over a decade, the TPSP has grown from three pilot projects in Galway, Limerick and Dublin to 11 programmes throughout the State. Funded by the HSE, it has the dual aim of supporting the teenagers in their parenting and also in completing their education.
The attitude of schools to pregnant and parenting pupils is mixed, according to Morris, but is generally more positive than negative.
"You could pick out examples of schools that go out on a limb to support a young mother and a young father to stay in school; teachers who will give up their own time to do grinds. Then you will get some schools who give out a message that 'maybe it would be best if you left for now'."
In those cases, it seems to be the bump more than the baby that is the problem. "The baby can be at home when the young parent goes back to school, but the bump is seen as maybe an embarrassment to the school."
However, research shows that if a teenager can be kept at school during the pregnancy, there is a very strong chance that she will go back after the birth.
The Department of Education and Skills not only funds home tuition for young parents (nine hours a week for up to 10 weeks), but also excels, says Morris, in facilitating the sitting of State exams. "We have had young mothers who have done their exams in labour."
But childcare can be a big barrier to a young mother returning to school. "People imagine there is always a mother, a sister, an aunt or somebody, but that is not the reality. Even where there is, it is hard on a young person to be indebted in that way to somebody."
In the North, mothers in second level have their childcare paid for in full, but there is no such scheme in the Republic.
The TPSP does not pressurise young parents to return to school after the baby is born, as sometimes it is better for mother and baby if she takes time out to bond, but they are encouraged to resume studying at some stage.
"The reason we are so strong on second level," adds Morris, "is that without your Leaving Cert, you are doomed to a life on social welfare."
The Teen Parents Support Programme will hold its 10th anniversary conference in Galway this Friday, Dec 10th. For more information, tel: 01-6700120 or see treoir.ie
