ASK THE EXPERT:Estranged partner is putting a strain on my relationship with my kids every time he sees them
Q I have two kids, a boy aged nine and a girl aged six. Their dad and I split up five-and-a-half years ago and he sees them on and off.
Their dad isn’t a good influence on them, and I find that every time he opens his mouth something unhelpful or just stupid comes out, and this puts a strain on the whole vibe when we see him.
My concern is that the kids are getting a one-sided view of the world from me, what I say goes, and I’m not always right. My brother reckons I’m setting them up for constant disappointment with life because I’m passing on my intolerance to them.
My mother thinks my son is disturbed by being let down by his dad, so she spoils him rotten. My son can be very difficult, and so can I if I’m honest. He can be very serious and closed off, and I’m worried he can’t deal with what’s going on.
I try not to argue with him and to remember that I’m the adult. My daughter seems to just go along with life and is a real little girl. I feel really sorry for the kids, not having a dad around, and I feel really sorry for being irresponsible in the first place.
I thought I knew everything when I started out. I’d like to be able to get the balance right for them. Some days I think I’m showing them the right ways to live, but some days I think there is no hope and I’m a disaster of a mother.
I see other people dragging their kids up and they seem to be okay. I really want to do what’s best for their happiness. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
AYou are very open in your acknowledgement that sometimes you get it right and sometimes you probably get it wrong. The way you say it, however, sounds like you feel you are the only parent who has good days and bad days.
I would imagine that most of the parents reading your query will have empathised and sympathised entirely with your experience. We all feel like we do a great job some days, and other days we wonder did we lose the power of reason and sanity in our interactions with our children.
So, if anything, I would say to you not to be too hard on yourself. You are not the only person responsible for the situation you and your children are in. Yes, it’s likely that you had a part to play, but it is not fair for you to feel like it is all your fault.
Parenting is a tough job at the best of times, but when you are a single parent, the responsibility can feel all the greater. It must be difficult for you if you have to deal with your children’s disappointment if their father lets them down. That adds to your burden and doesn’t support you or them.
Having help from your mother sounds like it can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand, she is probably a very practical help at times, but if she undermines things and overcompensates for the unreliability of the children’s father, it makes things worse.
There are no easy answers to the unreliability of others. It can be very unsettling for your children if their father is inconsistent, and all you can do is to empathise with their distress and try to keep the rest of their lives as stable and secure as possible.
However, overcompensating for the disappointment of an inconsistent father by spoiling a child will create bigger problems. So maybe, sooner or later, you will have to tell your mother to back off when her interventions are not helpful.
You mentioned balance in your query and a desire to get the balance right. If, as a parent, you do not mind yourself and seek the right kind of supportive relationships, then you will be out of balance and won’t have the energy or capacity to mind your children in the way that you want.
I would suggest that you find a therapist for yourself. It seems from the way you have described things that you don’t see yourself as worthy or as of value. Some of the comments that your extended family make must be chipping away at your self-esteem, and I could imagine that they leave you feeling great self-doubt about your lovability and your capability.
A good therapist will be able to help you to feel better about yourself and your capacity to be a good-enough mother. You already sound like you do a good-enough job, but you don’t seem to believe it yet.
You deserve to believe in yourself and you deserve to be able to enjoy your relationships with your children. These are things that are worth working for.
- David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster. Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence
- Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com