PARENTING:Think twice before praising your children – a new book turns recent child-rearing wisdom on its head, writes SHARON NI CHONCHUIR
HOW WOULD YOU react if you were told that by praising children, you were encouraging them to fail? What would you say if someone claimed that arguing in front of your children made you a good role model?
Such controversial statements form the basis of a new book that challenges many of our most commonly-held views on parenting.
Nurtureshock: Why everything we think about raising our children is wrong has been hailed as a “wake-up call for parents” since it was published in the US last August. The authors of this compelling blend of anecdotal evidence, behavioural psychology and neuroscience are hoping it is about to have the same impact here.
Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman are award-winning journalists who specialise in childhood development and parenting. “If you ask anyone – a psychologist, a mother of six or even a single man of 20 – about children, they’ll all have opinions,” says Merryman. “How do you know who is right?”
In an attempt to find out, she and Bronson have spent the past four years reading scholarly journals, attending academic conferences and interviewing experts.
“We’ve looked at the theories and examined the research and, where we’ve found consensus, we’ve put it in the book,” explains Merryman. “People think some of the findings are controversial but actually, they aren’t at all. The scientists are in total agreement.”
Merryman and Bronson first became interested in new findings in the field of children’s development when they collaborated on an article for New York Magazine. The topic was the effect praise had on children.
They discovered that an estimated 85 per cent of American parents praise their children for how intelligent they are, thinking that this will give them the confidence to go on and achieve more.
Shockingly, science has proved the opposite. These children were less likely to succeed and try new things. “Psychologists and neurologists have found the same thing,” says Ashley. “This type of praise is too powerful. Children become attached to the label and don’t want to lose it. As a result, they react badly to failure and will do anything to avoid failing, even if it means missing out on new opportunities.”
In an America where praise is ubiquitous, such thinking was revolutionary. Merryman herself had difficulty accepting it. She runs a volunteer tutoring programme for children in inner-city Los Angeles.
“I’d been praising the kids I work with,” she remembers. “I thought that if I kept saying it, I’d make a difference. I wasn’t happy to discover otherwise.”
So, what does this mean for parents? Should we stop praising our children? According to the experts, we should continue to praise them, but differently.
Instead of focusing on how intelligent they are, we should place the emphasis on the effort they put into their work. This sends out a more positive message: persevere and you will succeed.
Based on the huge response Merryman and Bronson got to their article – “we had bloggers in the Himalayas writing about it”, exclaims Merryman – they decided to delve deeper.
“We were so blown away by what we found that we wondered what else was out there,” she says. “What other discoveries had been made that we should all know about?”
There were many more of what Ashley calls “rock-my-world moments” in store, such as the research she and Bronson uncovered on sleep deprivation. Today’s children sleep on average one hour less than they did 30 years ago. The assumption until now has been that, because adults don’t suffer significantly as a result of sleeping less, nor do children. Scientists have found that this is far from the case.
Some contend that moodiness, impulsiveness and depression – characteristics traditionally associated with teenagers – are symptoms of chronic sleep deprivation. “Might our culture-wide perception of what it means to be a teenager be unwittingly skewed by the fact that they simply don’t get enough sleep?” ask Merryman and Bronson.
Changes to school start times in some US secondary schools seem to back this up. Exam results go up. Students behave better. And, even more importantly, the rate of serious car crashes involving teenagers decreases dramatically.
Merryman and Bronson have also uncovered research linking sleep deprivation to obesity. “We found the same results in Canada, Tunisia, Japan, Australia and Indonesia,” says Merryman. “Lack of sleep seems to be a factor in the international obesity epidemic.”
The pair’s other findings are just as dramatic and as wide-ranging. The book covers children from tots to teens and explores issues as diverse as sibling conflict, teenage rebellion and language acquisition.
The aim is to make you look at children anew. Merryman and Bronson hope their book will encourage parents, teachers and everyone who interacts with children to question their assumptions about child rearing.
“Our book isn’t a prescription,” she says. “It isn’t a how-to parenting book. And nor is it about how to make your child into a ‘Super Kid’. It’s about the questions we need to ask to help children grow into good people who will contribute to society, have happy and loving relationships and feel satisfied in their lives.”
And the reason it’s good to argue in front of your children? It’s because you are demonstrating compromise. By taking the argument upstairs midway through, you’re not sparing children. Instead, you are depriving them of a positive example of conflict resolution.
It certainly makes you think, doesn’t it?
Nurtureshock: Why everything we think about raising our children is wrong is published by Ebury, £12.99
