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‘I’ve learned that alcohol just magnified the difficult emotions I already had’

People who have reduced – or completely cut out – alcohol tell us how it has improved their health and outlook

Fiona O’Neill: 'Over time I found I’d lost the ability to control my thoughts about myself, about reality and about my abilities.' Photograph: Eddie O'Hare

Arlene Harris's face
Arlene Harris
Tue Sep 12 2023 - 05:01

Recently, TV presenter Vogue Williams said she “felt sad” that she couldn’t have a glass of champagne at a family gathering because she was trying to steer clear of alcohol for a few months after feeling the affects of a heavy night out. She found abstaining from alcohol quite difficult, even though she has never been a big drinker.

The Dublin woman is not alone in trying to cut down her alcohol intake, but many others also struggle to make changes to their habit.

Rory Fahey made a decision at the start of summer to reduce, and possibly cut out completely, the amount of alcohol he consumed as his partner felt he would benefit from it. But he has found cutting it out completely to be very difficult.

I think we’re going to just have to come to a compromise because it’s something I actually enjoy and just because she doesn’t, I don’t think I should have to stop completely

“My girlfriend has never really been interested in drinking and would prefer to have a Diet Coke when we are out rather than a glass of wine,” says the 32-year-old from Dublin. “But I have a real interest in wine, which goes beyond the consumption of alcohol – I enjoy the complexities of the different vintages and I like sampling wines from vineyards I’ve never tried before. I don’t believe I have a problem with drinking at all, but I think because she doesn’t drink much, she is always watching how much I have.

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“So when we’re out to dinner or something, I can’t really order a bottle of wine, because she won’t have any and then will be cross if I drink it all, so I end up ordering a glass or two. But, along with the selection not being as good by the glass, she’s then giving me the eye when I think about ordering another. I’ve never been a big drinker and, for her sake, I said I would give it up altogether, but when we’re out with a group of people and there are several bottles of nice wine on the table, I find it really hard not to have a glass. Or when we’re in the pub I like to have a beer or two.

“I tried to give it up completely, but I think we’re going to just have to come to a compromise because it’s something I actually enjoy and just because she doesn’t, I don’t think I should have to stop completely. So, while I have cut down, for now anyway, I’m going to continue to have the odd glass when I feel like it. Life is too short to deny yourself all the time.”

[ How alcohol really affects your body: From the first sip to the long haul ]

Sally Leadbetter is in agreement and says she is quite happy to drink in moderation as it is something she enjoys and has never caused her any reason for concern.

Sally Leadbetter.

“I’ve always enjoyed a drink,” says the 46-year-old from Kilkenny who works in PR. “My current favourites are IPA, red wine, or a mojito, and while I know so many people who struggle to keep the habit in check, thankfully I have only ever been inclined to drink moderately.

“That is what comes naturally to me – I listen to my body when it tells me that I’ve had enough and I found that from that point onwards, it doesn’t taste so good – so I stop.”

Alcohol led me to making really bad decisions, feeling worthless and being in a really dark mental space because of that worthlessness

—  Fiona O’Neill

Fiona O’Neill also listened to her body and when she realised that she had become reliant on alcohol, she decided to quit for good.

“I used to look forward to one drink at the end of a long day, then it was a few drinks at the end of every day and then I started to long for that drink from lunchtime,” she says. “Alcohol led me to making really bad decisions, feeling worthless and being in a really dark mental space because of that worthlessness. That then led to me wanting to drink more – it was an evil spiral.

“I was never an alcoholic by the stereotypical definition as I didn’t black out or throw up, but I drank enough to not think sensibly any more. Alcohol puts you in an endless cycle of depression and self-loathing, which leads to drinking to ease the depression and need for distraction then back into depression and self loathing again.

“For me, it had to stop. For my sons’ sake and for my mental health – I was going downhill and some days I didn’t want to be here any more – so these feelings had to stop before it was too late.”

Fiona O’Neill.

The 42-year-old, who is the founder and director of a national social enterprise, Count on Us Recruitment, gave up alcohol almost two years ago and although she has experienced a “pain-in-the-chest fear” that she would fall back into “self-destructive ways”, and also tried but gave up attending AA meetings, she found support through the HSE and also from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), and these tools have been instrumental to her success in staying away from alcohol – and she now feels in a much better place.

“The obvious benefit I’ve found is my mental health as I discovered that alcohol is a depressant for me – not necessarily after one all-night drinking [binge], but it’s the additional random drinks throughout the week which accumulate,” she says. “Over time I found I’d lost the ability to control my thoughts about myself, about reality and about my abilities.

“This month I will be two years with no alcohol and I’ve never been more proud of myself – I walk with confidence and clarity, as a parent and in the professional world – and I can manage emotions a lot easier, rather than my emotions managing me.

“The increase of alcohol-free drinks on the market has helped. I’ve learned that alcohol just magnified the difficult emotions I already had: stress, worry, self-judgment – managing these emotions and getting help was the key. Eliminating alcohol ensures these emotions aren’t fed into.

“In Ireland it’s still considered very odd not to drink alcohol, so zero-alcohol drinks gives the chance to still socialise and be part of a night out without everyone asking why you’re not drinking. Some day, the time will come when no one cares if you’re drinking alcohol or not and to help raise awareness about living and enjoying an alcohol-free life, I’ve started an Instagram page called DASH Ireland (De-Alcoholised, Sober and Happy).

“Also, another positive is that at 2am I can pop into my own car to drive home instead of paying for taxis. I’m always the designated driver after a night of dancing and laughing with friends – a night out with no regrets and no shame of reliving the drink-fuelled events of the night before.”

Everyone thinks that alcohol is a de-stressor from work, calms the mind after relationship fights and perks you back up again when feeling down - but I’ve learned that alcohol is one of the main contributors to all these feelings

The mother of two says that although giving up alcohol has been a difficult journey for her, she would advise others who are in a similar situation to try to stick with their decision to quit.

“It will be one of the hardest things that you’ll ever do, but also one of the greatest things that you’ll ever do,” she says. “If you’re feeling stressed at work, you’re fighting with your partner or family or you’re feeling down on yourself, give up alcohol for even one month to see how you feel. If you get through one month, try a second month. Everyone thinks that alcohol is a de-stressor from work, calms the mind after relationship fights and perks you back up again when feeling down – but I’ve learned that alcohol is one of the main contributors to all these feelings. So, getting it out of your life will only improve it and help you to thrive.”

Alex Ainsworth, communications officer at Drinkaware, agrees and says there are many long-term benefits to reducing intake or giving up alcohol. “The benefits to your short-term health from cutting down or cutting out alcohol can be vast, including improved mental health, healthier appearance, better sleep and energy and of course people are likely to save money,” she says.

“People may also notice a reduction in headaches and heartburn. In the long term, cutting down on alcohol can have benefits for our physical health, and changes which are made today can have a lasting impact, including lowering of blood sugar and blood pressure as well as improved immune and liver function.”

Resources

alcoholAlcohol Action IrelandAlcoholics Anonymous