With Zombielandstalking the cinemas and Halloween approaching, JOE GRIFFINshares the knowledge movies have given him about surviving a zombie attack
THE BELOVED zombie flick is well and truly alive - sort of - again, so it's timely to reflect on what the genre has given us. Less pretentious than vampires, more intimidating than mummies and scarier than werewolves, zombies provide cheap thrills, slapstick fun and - when we're lucky - allegorical examinations of subjects such as consumerism, political and corporate responsibility and civic indifference.
Perhaps most importantly, the genre has also given us some nice tips on how to avoid death and/or infection by zombie plague/apocalypse. Hopefully you won't need this advice, but just in case, here's a list of dos and don'ts that we've learned over the years.
DO: IMPROVISE WITH WEAPONS
So if you've lost a limb to undead infestation, you're done for, right? Wrong! As famously demonstrated by Ash (Bruce Campbell) in the Evil Deadmovies, attaching a chainsaw to your bloody stump puts you in aideal zombie-killing position. Similarly, Rose McGowan in Planet Terrorstuck a machine gun to what was left of her leg.
The list goes on: The heroes of Shaun of the Deadused cricket bats and old records they no longer wanted (such as Dire Straits); 28 Weeks Laterand the original Dawn of the Deadput paid to zombies with helicopter blades; a resourceful young man in Brain Deadused a lawnmower; and in Zombielanda falling piano was used to dispatch an undead predator. Other impressive improvisations include a surgeon's saw ( Re-Animator) and a sushi knife ( Bio-Zombie).
DO: CO-OPERATE
"Take your asses to the Holiday Inn, if it's still there," said one survivor who didn't want to share his hiding place in the Dawn of the Deadremake. Big mistake. Arguably more than any other horror genre, zombie movies have a healthy sense of cosmic justice. Ever since the survivors banded together in Night of the Living Dead, those who practise teamwork have been most rewarded (or least punished). Survivors tend to be a healthy mix of the pragmatic, determined and the selfless. For a more recent example, see how the selfish behaviour of Robert Carlyle's character in 28 Weeks Latersealed his fate.
DO: BEFRIEND A BADASS
Tough guys in horror movies often have a soft, gooey centre. In the remake of Dawn of the DeadSarah Polley was wise to befriend Ving Rhames's shotgun-sporting tough guy, Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) was smart to tag along with Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) in Zombieland, and good-hearted soldiers in Planet Terrorand 28 Weeks Laterproved pretty useful to civilians as well. Be warned, though: one or two soldiers are usually a nice ally, more than that can be trouble (see below).
DO: PRACTISE YOUR SHOOTING
Castration (in Cemetery Man) and piercing their heart (in Re-Animator) are all well and good, but everyone knows that the most reliable way to dispatch a zombie is a gunshot to the head. In Dawn of the Dead(the 2004 one) survivors passed time by taking sniper shots at zombies that resembled celebrities.
DO: THINK LOGICALLY
Panic isn't the only basic instinct that should be shut out - cold, calm logic should prevail above all else. See, for example, the cool, scientific approach in all three movie adaptations of I am Legend.
DON'T: LOSE YOU TEMPER
Losing one's temper is a no-no (as shown in Day of the Dead), as is succumbing to sentiment. And remember, zombies come in lots of forms, including (initially) cute children and attractive women.
DON'T: HAVE SEX
Though not as conservative as slasher movies, zombie ficks don't usually approve of hanky panky. The happy-go-lucky gang attacked by zombie Nazis in the forthcoming Dead Snowlearned that the hard way.
This rule applies to zombie-on-zombie action too: for evidence, look no further than unholy spawn in Brain Dead. Oh, and it should go without saying that a zombie plague is a bad time for casual car-seat shenanigans, as one teenager discovered in the Irish movie, Boy Eats Girl.
DON'T: TRUST LARGE ORGANISATIONS OR GOVERNMENTS
In Land of the Dead, the Bush-esque leader is almost more dangerous than the dead-eyed almost-humans attacking his constituents. (You know he's trouble because he's played by Dennis Hopper.) In fact along with scientists and big businesses, politicians are often responsible for the mess in the first place: The Iraq-like occupation in 28 Weeks Latersaw insurgent-style chaos, while in Joe Dante's Homecoming, zombies of war veterans came home to roost.
As for private firms, whether they're financing dubious research or behaving in outrageously ruthless dealings (like the Umbrella Corporation in the Resident Evilfranchise), men in sharp suits with expensive haircuts can never be trusted. Karmic flesh-eating justice usually arrives for them, but not always.
DON'T: TRUST A SCIENTIST
The causes of zombie invasions are often unclear, but pesky scientists are often to blame. Yes, these vain, white coat-wearing boffins are rarely to be trusted, as in the likes of Re-Animator, Doom, Resident Eviland Dawn of the Dead. Though, in fairness, had the animal rights activists listened to the scientists in 28 Weeks Later, they might not have released plague-infected monkeys to ravage the UK, so it's a judgment call.
DON'T: LET THE INFECTION SPREAD
For the love of God don't let it spread. Human error is usually to blame. Often it's as simple as leaving a window open, but sometimes it's an outrageous mistake, such as bringing a zombie-infected monkey home on a plane in Brain Dead or accidentally bringing them to mainland Europe by helicopter in 28 Weeks Later.
DON'T: DISRESPECT OLD TEXTS AND BURIAL GROUNDS
We may have become more cynical about religion now, but that's exactly the kind of hubristic narrow-mindedness that led to sticky situations in Pet Semeteryand The Evil Deadtrilogy. And remember, ancient texts should rarely (if ever) be read aloud.
Zombielandis on general release
