THERE IS an interesting tale in our trade organ, Journalist, about a subeditor who got the sack for inventing quotes, and who is now suing his newspaper because the invention of quotes was apparently his job.

Jim McHugh of the Daily Sport in Manchester was working on a feature about women who have sex with strangers (as if anyone really knows a partner). This feature, which I must certainly acquire, mostly consisted of pictures of a topless model, one Emma Morgan.

Hold on a minute. Surely not oh my God I don't believe this Emma Don't you remember your promises to me Paris, our night in the George V? Renvyle House? The An Oige hostel in Aughavanagh? I suppose I will never learn. Anyway, Jim invented a quote you the effect that Emma had "done it on a plane".

Jim was then sacked, allegedly for making the paper potentially liable for damages from the model. I need hardly tell you that for a woman, being accused of having sex is an aeroplane is deeply shameful, while exposing one's top half in a newspaper, or the Daily Sport is something to be proud of.

According to Jim McHugh the Daily Sport regularly prints such stuff as an excuse to run topless pictures "This feature was supposed to be extracts from a book about women who have sex with strangers, but the book did not exist. The whole thing was fictitious." He further said. "All of us were aware we were producing shite, but the journalists were national standard and, there was a professional discipline.

Despite what this tells us about national standards in British journalism, I am putting my legal expertise at Jim's disposal if and when the young lady sues.

M'Lud My client is totally innocent of the charge that he alleged sexual intercourse was engaged in on an aeroplane by the young lady. M'lud? What? Oh sorry just reading the opera reviews in the Daily Sport. That's all very well young man but the case looks pretty clear cut to me, it's all down there in black and white, there's not much use trying to deny your client's allegations. Damned fine looking girl too, shame I say. Superb pair.

With all due respect your Honour, the Daily Sport is not in black and white, it is in quite lurid colour.

So it is so it is. Good point. Very colourful paper. But I meant your client's words.

I'm coming to that, m'lud. The allegation is, supposedly, that the young lady performed "it".

Yes, and I trust you are not going to withhold any of the details. This is a court of law and we cannot have any ambiguity. We want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but in the matter this young lady and her conduct beg pardon, alleged conduct on the alleged aeroplane, we particularly want the whole truth.

M'lud Or as many of the details as you can supply. M'lud, as it happens, "it" is the central word here. It certainly is.

Yes, m'lud, and it is my contention that by "it", my client did not mean what is sometimes implied by "it", namely sexual intercourse.

For God's sake young man, what else could he have meant? M'lud, when he suggested she "did it on a plane", his implication was that the young lady either commandeered an aisle seat though allotted to a window seat, inveigled the hostess into supplying her with free think, or surreptitiously smoked in the toilet.

But dammit man that's what we all do Perfectly harmless Quite.

So which did she allegedly do when she allegedly did "it"? That was left open to the reader, in line with the Daily Sport policy of allowing the public to make up its own mind on important matters.

But whatever she allegedly did she allegedly did while flying, you are not denying your client said so? Allow me to make myself clear, M'Lud. If my client was alleging sexual intercourse, which is not conceded, he was certainly not alleging the act took place in the air, that the young woman gained (or renewed) entry to the infamous Mile High club.

What? If I were to concede that by "it" he meant sexual intercourse, which concession I have not made, then his allegation was that "it" took place not on an aeroplane which word was at no time used but on a plane i.e. that the act occurred merely on a surface on which, if any two points be taken, the straight line joining them will lie entirely on the surface or on any level material surface. Aeronautics do not come into it.

Case dismissed Can I keep the Daily Sport? Thank you, m'Lud, be my guest.