IT was yet another story of a small, local post office but something was wrong. Crinkle post office is reopening? The Midland Tribune's report could only mean one thing - the general election campaign is under way.

Glances across the front pages of the local newspapers confirmed that the first shots have been fired and candidates and campaigners in waiting are already tossing the hot political potatoes wrapped in newsprint. In Galway, they're even talking about another rod licence war.

The Carlow Nationalist said a general election was "as certain as death" this year and appealed to its readers of all political allegiances to unify and back a single candidate - any candidate - as long as he or she is from Carlow. Who cares if it means a vote for Fianna Fail, Labour or even (saints alive) the Green Party? wrote Mr Tom Mooney.

Across its front page in enormous letters highlighted with red, the Nationalist declared: "Carlow Snubbed". Inside, Mr Mooney explained that "Carlow will continue to be Ireland's hind-tit county" as long as the Carlow electorate continued to be "so reliable and predictable and passive".

Being "hind-tit" means having no general hospital and being badly in need of a by pass; having your third level institutions snubbed for university status, and having a lower rate support grant than comparable towns.

If Carlow had somebody - anybody - "in six months, the Kilkenny Road would be joined to the Dublin Road with a bypass; the new bridge would be completed; there would be a six lane motorway from Newlands Cross to Paulstown; Carlow RTC would get enough chemicals to make an A bomb; with St Patrick's College, it would become the university of the south east; the Barrow would be drained so quickly, the fish would be mesmerised; the new generals hospital in the town would be the envy of the country; so many new factories would be built that the unemployment blackspot would soon become a mere pinprick - and Tony Gregory would gaze and still his wonder would grow as he enviously eyed all the `goodies' that the Carlow electorate would have won," wrote Mr Mooney.

"Who's a happy boy then?" asked the caption under the Longford Leader's front page picture depicting a smiling Mr Terry Leyden with Fianna Fail colleagues Mr Albert Reynolds and Mr Sean Doherty, after they had all been selected as their party's candidates.

Fianna Fail has picked the same ticket as it did 20 years ago in 1977. Maybe Albert will grow his sideburns back.

WATER schemes are set to become a major election issue. In Mayo, growing rural fury over the Government attitude to water schemes, and continuing charges to householders in rural areas" is being reflected in the local support for the formation of a" National Federation of Group Water Schemes, said the Mayo News.

The federation, which is also being joined by schemes in Clare, believes that "the Minister [Brendan Howlin] has under estimated the ability of rural communities to unite on the issue", said the Clare Champion.

When the candidates finally hit the road to campaign, they might want to remember that Co Mayo is no place to have a heart attack. "A leading physician has stated that equipment for the treatment of heart disease at Mayo General Hospital is so outdated as to be `almost dangerous'," said the Mayo News.

"Dr Fionnuala Lavin said she was shocked on her arrival in Mayo at the outdated level of equipment. As a result, she said, the quality of results achieved is very poor and indefinite'."

In Galway, the Minister for Health's announcement of £25 million for Galway Regional Hospital was met with a report that a dozen people each night were spending the night on trolleys due to chronic overcrowding. The report came from - who else? - Sen Frank Fahy, one of those tipped to step into the vacuum left by Maire Geoghegan Quinn.

Another politician getting the boot in early was Fianna Fail frontbencher Mr Michael Smith, who used a mixed metaphor fraught with fairy tale imagery when he demanded that his fellow constituency TD, Mr Michael Lowry, publish the list of projects he has delivered to north Tipperary.

"I want to put an end to the huffing and puffing of Deputy Lowry and draw the cloak of high powered spin doctoring and PR he has surrounded himself with dressing himself up to be the fairy godmother of north Tipperary," Mr Smith told the Guardian.

And we're going to hear more of this kind of stuff - much more - before the end of 1997. You may want to book your extended holiday abroad now.