AILBHE MALONEsmells too young, too fruity

* TRACK OF THE WEEK: The Time (Dirty Bit)by Black Eyed Peas. Most good pop is based on a kernel of WTF-ness. In the case of this Black Eyed Peas track, however, it's mostly WTF. Sampling The Time of My Life– yes, from Dirty Dancing– and a line about how "all the girls like my swagger / they call me Mick Jagger", it's as non-linear as Lindsay Lohan's drive home from Chateau Marmont. But we kind of love it. We think.

* In Jedward news, we can reveal that the twins have been garnering some unwanted attention of late – but not from fans. The boys have lodged a formal complaint against Heathrow airport, claiming they were victimised by staff. Says a “source”: “They always pull the twins in just to pick on them and try to look big in front of their mates. Then last week, the same guy who usually taunts them pulled Edward in and was joined by three mates. There were four big oafs standing laughing at a 19-year-old.” Poor Jeddy! Luckily, they’ve received a full apology – and rightly so.

* As the Bieber machine trundles endlessly on, a new product has been launched – and just in time for Christmas! Fringey has announced that he too shall cash in on the fragrance market and, in a twist, it will be unisex. (Seriously, how many male Bieber fans are there?) Entitled My Worldthe scent will be packaged not in bottles, but inside wristbands (girls) and dog tags (boys). Don't worry, Justin's been putting all of his effort in to sourcing the right whiff. "The company actually brought me a bunch of stuff to smell," he said. "One of them smelled too young, too fruity. One was really good."

* We're sad to reveal that Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus – parents of Miley, and her weirdy older brother Trace from Metro Station – have announced their intention to divorce. This is the bit where lesser pop-music columns would make a joke about Achy Breaky Hearts, but where Miley's happiness is at stake we find no cause for laughter.