IT is not until they face a major crisis such as the loss of a spouse that many men discover what a liability it is to be socially conditioned as a male. "Like most men, I hadn't put an awful lot of thought into the emotional and spiritual side of life," says Don, whose life fell apart when his marriage broke up after nearly 20 years, leaving him with two teenage sons to care for.

He was feeling vulnerable and in fear of going "off the wall" when a friend who was a priest suggested a daring step: Why not enter the Beginning Experience programme, where separated and widowed people engage in "peer ministry" in an attempt to break their isolation and heal their grief?

"I had never talked about my feelings before and I felt very vulnerable. It was a bit strange going into a room full of strangers and I felt very apprehensive," says Don.

"Up to that I didn't know anyone who had been separated. When I got married I got married for life. Going into that sort of environment where I was hearing how others coped with separation and bereavement, I found that the feelings that I was having of going off the wall were actually normal."

Beginning Experience has been up and running for 10 years in the Republic. It is sponsored by the Catholic Church, although it is not overtly religious and welcomes people of all faiths as well as agnostics. Run by trained lay people, nuns and priests who have been through bereavement, the programme promises nothing less than "life renewal" and to hear those who have undergone the programme, it delivers on the promise.

"It gave me a map of the way out. Once I set my foot on this course there was a lot of grief, tears and things coming up and yet I knew that there would be a way to resolve it. At the end of the weekend, I felt a huge sense of hope in the future," says Catherine Murphy who is separated and eventually became a lay facilitator with Beginning Experience.

Developed 25 years ago in the US by a nun and a separated woman, Beginning Experience treats the bereavement by separation or divorce and by death as being much the same process. It follows the five stages of grief outlined by Alice Kubler Ross, whose ground breaking work with grieving and dying people identified a process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Crucial to the therapeutic process of Beginning Experience is the atmosphere of sharing, confidentiality and trust between participants.

Unfortunately, relatively few men enter the programme. It's the same old story: women are more likely to seek help, or to notice the pamphlet or to be told about the programme by a friend. Men, especially, are being invited to apply for Beginning Experience's next weekend workshop, which is to take place from May 16th to 18th at All Hallows College, Drumcondra, Dublin.

For Don, a weekend workshop represented a breakthrough: "It really helped me to explore the past and get in touch with my feelings, having discovered that it's OK to be angry. It helped me to focus a lot on where I was coming from, where I was at and where I hope to be eventually. It was a kind of emotional awakening for me and since then I have developed that side of myself more," he says.

He is also convinced that now that his own unfinished business is settled, he is of more support to his sons, leaving them more space to express their feelings.

The president of the board of Beginning Experience, Kay Oliver, felt "unloved and isolated" after the death of her husband nine years ago, when she was 43. The couple had seven children: the youngest were twins aged five and the eldest was 17.

"Everybody thought that I was coping brilliantly, but in reality I had just shut down. I was completely numb. I chose to bottle up my own feelings and focus on caring for the children. People would say: time will heal. But six months down the road, I was feeling worse, not better. The anger and the shock were over-whelming."

Before their relationship was ended by death, Kay and her husband had been totally wrapped up in their children and had little outside social involvement. Kay couldn't accept that the marriage was over and felt that without it she was "half a person".

Four years after her husband's death, Kay still felt cheated at having been deprived of her marriage: "I remember feeling: I will not be able to function fully without Jim's love and life is not really worth living." A friend sent her to a Beginning Experience weekend, which she found to be "a great gift".

"I learned what grief is about and that it is normal and that you must express anger, pain and sadness or you won't become a whole person again. I met a load of people who could help me identify the point where I was stuck my unfinished business. I had avoided the painful areas, but I did that because we need the support of others to face those areas of pain."

With the support of the group, Kay was able to face the reality that her marriage no longer existed. `You feel that if you do that, you are disloyal. But I discovered that it wasn't disloyal to let go. You free yourself, that's what acceptance is: the right to free yourself."

The freedom is not easy, especially when you are widowed young in life. "You are still single, alone and a lone parent and you have to cope with that. But you can reclaim your own power. I no longer think I'm half a person. At the same time, I'll never forget Jim."

Beginning Experience does not replace one to one counselling, nor is it a social club. To join, you need to have been separated or widowed for at least one year. The weekend costs £70 including room and board, although arrangements can be made for those who cannot afford this.

Beginning Experience also runs 10 week courses which complement the workshops and which may be more convenient for people who cannot leave their children for an entire weekend. For more information, call 01 6791018.