DO YOU remember where you were when Kennedy died? When John Paul I died? Sure you do. But what about that most crucial question of all the Connaught Telegraph asked: "Where were you when Jonathan Mullin was born?"

Mary Henegan, a native of Rathgranagher, two miles from Kilmaine, Co Mayo, does. She can tell you that on the historic date of July 2nd, 1978, "Seamus was in the bog" and "the heifer became blind in one eye".

Jonathan Mullin, it turned out, was the reporter writing the Connaught Telegraph's story that, since 1953, Mary has kept a detailed diary of all the crucial events in the rural village of Kilmaine, right down to who got how much for their milk when they were expecting a few pounds more. But her job is getting harder.

In the old days, says Mary, "we knew everything that happened, every little detail. Nowadays, people have closed up so much and keep to themselves a lot".

Perhaps they heard about Mary's diaries which boast "an accumulation of intelligence that would embarrass the CIA itself", said the newspaper.

It's midsummer and time for the annual pagan fertility rite of publicly evaluating the sexiness of the local virgins (male and female). From the five generously cleavaged beauties in the Derry Journal's colour front page to the strapping muscle pumpers strutting their stuff in the Kerryman, the newspapers were sweating with reports.

Enniscorthy impresario Ned Roche was "made weak" by the prospective "Miss Wexfords (which) radiated sweetness and refinement at his side", Nicky Furlong told us in his column, Furlong at Large in the Echo.

"I really think, Nicky, that it's nicer they are getting," Mr Roche told him. "You'd be mortified at not giving them all a prize."

Said Nicky: "I pointed out to Mr Roche that there seemed to be a lot of black dresses around. `Did that indicate,' I asked, `a conviction amongst entrants that you have a fetish about black dresses?'"

"It surely is not," replied Mr Roche. "Sure, I don't care what they're in, except for those oul' slacks which are really awful."

Is it 1996? Is it really? Well, in Kerry it is anyway, where the contestants in the international Ballybunion bachelors' competition wear little black thongs and get asked about their willingness to change nappies.

Never ones to miss an opportunity, the festival committee was shipping the brawny lads in from Australia and Scotland at the last minute. Deirdre Walsh, writing in the Kerryman, told us that a festival director, Ms Eleanor Walsh, had allowed two late entries to the Ballybunion Bachelor Festival despite the fact that they had not gone through the heats. "The festival is always flexible about taking one or two late entries," she said.

After all, who cares about heats if they give you the hots?

One "late entry", described by the paper as 35 year old "Australian hunk" Ciaron Cooley, was pictured semi nude with a surf board.

BUT that's not the point, is it?; "I've got my kilt ready and I'm hoping to meet lots of "late Irish women," said another entry", 24 year old Struan Baptie, of Perth, Scotland. The quote made a mockery of the official advertising feature report of the festival in the Kerryman, which said the "highlights of a hectic programme of events for the week include the Declan Nerney Show on Tuesday night, pipe and brass band competitions, a donkey derby (and) terrier racing".

"What, no more priests?" asked Father PJ. Brophy in the Guardian. "Several Irish seminaries have no prospects for next September," he wrote. Perhaps what he really should have been asking, however, was "What, no more male priests?" Two more women priests were ordained in Trim last week, said the Meath Chronicle, reporting on a trend which is taking the Church of Ireland by storm.

Religious practice in Newbridge has so declined that while 91.5 per cent still believe in God, only 65 per cent believe in the authority of the bishops, said the Kildare Nationalist. The first detailed study of faith and beliefs in the Kildare and Leighlin diocese, conducted by Father Micheal MacGreil and a team from Maynooth College, also found that Mass attendance has declined to 62 per cent from 78 per cent seven years ago.

When holidaying in Kerry, spare a thought for the Vietnamese potbellied pigs at the Coolwood Wildlife Sanctuary. They're having terrible trouble filling their little pot bellies now that Betty, otherwise known as Mommy Pig, has unexpectedly given birth to eight more piglets, her second litter this year, said the Kerryman.

Coolwood's volunteer workers say the little pigs "just cannot get enough" food and they are begging visitors to "please bring scraps". The pigs' favourite foods include potato skins, cabbage and lettuce.