Referring the other day to the stress problems faced by teachers, one of our letter-writers asked if anyone could tell him of a profession that is well-paid, easygoing and stress-free.
It is a fair question, for apart from the obvious answers - journalism and lap-dancing - there isn't much on offer to meet our correspondent's criteria. Even going through the appointments pages of this newspaper on Fridays is a stressful process in itself, with all the emphasis on dynamism, self-starting, motivation, competition, confidence, entrepreneurship and plain hard work.
It may well be that the only entirely stress-free jobs these days are in stress management itself. Certainly, my own days in this sector were among the happiest, best-paid and easygoing of my life. What fun we had at HassleFree, the company we set up in the 1980s, in the most delightfully languid fashion, to help identify and eliminate stress problems in the workplace! What parties we threw when yet another group of completely stressed-out, demoralised, exhausted and bewildered executives begged us for help! What laughs we had when we saw how hard people pushed themselves for material rewards which they would never have the time to enjoy!
Oddly enough, the only stress my colleague Oonagh (where are you now, Oonagh?) and I ever experienced at Hassle-Free was in its start-up days. I do not mean we encountered the typical startup problems of a fledgling company. We had no problems securing funds, for example, since our bank manager was on the point of expiring from stress when we first met him, and fell on us with tears of relief. The poor man would have given us the bank deeds if we had asked him, but we settled for half a million quid and a generous overdraft allowance.
With this, Oonagh and I saw first to the basic needs of the new company, acquiring rather swanky offices in Fitzwilliam Square, a couple of 5-series BMWs and a typewriter. After this we took a couple of weeks off, in the Caribbean: we saw it as important from the beginning to live up to the Hassle-Free name.
Our problems began on our return, when we attempted to recruit staff. Most of our interviewees were highly qualified individuals, but hopelessly focused on money, advancement, power and all the other pathetic elements of the success ethic. We turned hundreds away.
Eventually we took on Joy, who told us, yawning, that she had resigned from a rival firm, Stressbusters, where she had had to contend with a three-hour working day, a ridiculously inflated salary and rapid promotion. Joy was clearly the woman we needed. Her name alone would have convinced us, but the way she shrugged her shoulders when we offered her the job clinched it for us. This woman didn't know what stress was. Over the next few months, Hassle-Free took off. Our laidback attitude to work impressed everyone with whom we came in contact. Our clients, seeing us in action (so to speak) wound down so fast and so successfully that we had to teach them breathing exercises before they returned to work.
Things were going so well that we began to turn up later and later to run the de-stressing sessions. Our clients began to realise that this unpunctuality was a lesson in itself, and soon they were disappointed if we turned up at all. Their stress levels were descending precipitously and they hardly knew how to express their gratitude. We told them: spread the message in your offices.
Business boomed and the money poured in. Hassle-Free went public, its shares soared, and to our horror, one day when we actually turned up at the office, we discovered we were millionaires. In disgust, Joy resigned on the spot. It was the beginning of the end. We saw that we had become victims of our own success. In vain did we point out to clients our personal failure, our lack of competitiveness, our inertia and our complete uselessness. As examples of the laid-back, easygoing, wealthy and entirely stress-free life, we had no peers.
In a desperate last-ditch attempt to salvage something, Oonagh and I staged a high-stress personal confrontation while hosting a major international destressing conference. Our voices were raised, our body language was hideously aggressive, our insults were outrageous and in front of 500 people we stopped short only at physical violence. Though I say so myself, it was a fabulous display.
The conference fell entirely silent. Then to a man they rose to their feet to give us the biggest ovation we had ever received.
After that ultimate misunderstanding, we gave up. Hassle-Free was broken up and sold. We frittered the money away without joy, and without Joy. Affably enough, Oonagh and I went our separate ways, both personally and professionally. Lack of stress had done for us, and there was nothing left but to get jobs in the real world.
bglacken@irish-times.ie
