Certain music is best in the hands of a lone troubadour. Some songs work only as duets and others need a Fab Four to do them justice. Kevin Courtneyworks out which bands have hit upon the magic number, and which ones need a spot of recession-era rightsizing
SO, YOU'VE got the songs, you've got the talent, you've got the band name and you've got the haircut. You've got Banksy to design your logo, Spike Jonze to produce your video, and Jude Law to star in it. You've got the fashionable drug habit, the supermodel girlfriend and the famous mum who used to be a television presenter.
There's nothing now to stop you from conquering the world and becoming the next rock'n'roll legends.
But hang on - have you forgotten one tiny little detail? No, I'm not talking about the stage costumes - I'm talking about one simple equation: how many are in your band? It may not seem all that significant, but the number of people in your band could determine whether you hit the Number One slot or end up at the bottom of the bill.
Many bands are defined not only by their influences or talent, but also by the number of members they have. Sure, you have to know what kind of music you're going to play, and what audience you're playing it for, but you also have to decide how many people you need to make the best noise - it's a vital decision that could affect the number of people coming to your gigs and buying your music.
Get it right and you'll be a perfect fit for success. Get it wrong and your band will never amount to much. Whether you become a duo, a quartet, a sextet or a gang-sized mob could have a long-term affect on your sales figures.
What's the big deal, you ask. It's just a number. What does it matter how many people are in the studio - it's what comes out of the speakers that counts at the end of the day. Ask any numerologist, however, and they'll tell you, ignore the numbers at your peril.
Numbers are very powerful symbols - and we're not just talking about The Magic Numbers.
One
One is the number of individuality, independence and inventiveness, but also the number of the impulsive egotist.
Solo artists are seen as self-sufficient, self-centred types, able to survive with just a guitar, a harmonica and an adoring world.
GUY WITH GUITAR
Just as lone rangers wandered prairies with a six-gun, rock's troubadours roam the airwaves with just a guitar, a few chords, and a mess of sixth-year poetry. Bob Dylan was the original - a million guitar-strumming blokes later, and he still hasn't been bettered, although Neil Young, James Taylor, Leonard Cohen and Jeff Buckley made a stab at it. Ireland has its own beardy guitar guys. Damien Rice is our Dylan, Fionn Regan our Neil Young, Declan O'Rourke our Leonard Cohen and Paddy Casey our, em, John Denver.
GIRL WITH GUITAR
She sits on a stool, long dress flowing to the ground and long hair flowing to the, er, ground. She plucks her guitar gently and warbles about peace, flowers and how some bastard broke her heart. Joni Mitchell was the queen, and since then there has been no shortage of string- plucking princesses, from Tracy Chapman to Ani DiFranco to Kate Walsh.
MEGALOMANIAC SUPERSTAR
Most band members hate each other, but some lucky musicians get to collaborate with someone they love - themselves.
These guys don't need a band - they can play every instrument known to humanity, and they can also produce, engineer, master, do their own artwork and are probably their own groupies. Tubular Bells only exists to showcase Mike Oldfield's multi-instrumental skills, while Lenny Kravitz does all his own musical parts - so nobody else has to.
LONESOME BLUESMAN
The blues are the perfect solo genre - all you need is a beat-up old guitar and a smoky voice. And a fifth of bourbon. And a cheatin' woman. Your typical blues singer may be fixin' to die, but the genre is alive and well, in the capable hands of Seasick Steve, Ray Lamontagne and Cork indie-blues boy Simple Kid.
DOESN'T ADD UP
Some people are so odd, they are destined to remain forever solo - no other musician could deal with their uniquely skewed vision. Top lone weirdos include Joanna Newsom, Scout Niblett and Bob Log III.
Two
Two denotes co-operation and partnership, and duos are often seen as a musical marriage of convenience, a symbiotic relationship that benefits both halves. When they go their separate ways, they'll still be seen as one half of a perfect pair, and their solo work will always be unfavourably compared with their collaborative career.
BOY MEETS GIRL
The boy-girl duo is a classic combination, a musical marriage that's guaranteed to send sparks flying. Ever since Les Paul got together with Mary Ford, boys have been teaming up with girls to make sweet rock 'n' roll.
From Sonny and Cher in the 1960s, Peters Lee in the 1970s, Eurythmics in the 1980s right up to such modern duos as The White Stripes, The Kills and The Ting Tings, the combination of X and Y chromosomes has always made interesting chemistry.
The union of opposite sexes also adds a little frisson: Are they siblings? Are they lovers? What are the dressing-room arrangements? And how did that pug-ugly guy get that total babe to partner him?
THE SYNTH-POP DUO
When synths became small enough not to need an articulated lorry, hordes of foppish boys ran out to buy a Roland. Because the synth handled most of the necessary sounds, there was no need for band members, so usually you'd have just one quiet guy twiddling his knobs while the other guy camped it up on the mic. Soft Cell, Pet Shop Boys, Communards and Erasure were the most successful, although Blancmange were a mere trifle. Brooklyn's MGMT are one of the latest.
THE DANCE DUO
When rave became all the rage, and the world turned day-glo, dancing to Tainted Love was no longer enough for a new generation of party animals. Enter the dance duo, and hail the rise of The Chemical Brothers, Orbital, Lemon Jelly and Groove Armada. There was a beautiful symmetry to watching two guys onstage, commanding the room like Captain Kirk and Mr Spock.
THE FOLKIES
Every now and then, two guys with guitars will decide that two folkheads are better than one. Ever since Simon and Garfunkel (OK, only one of them played guitar) sized each other up, folkie duos have littered the landscape, from Stealer's Wheel to The Proclaimers to Paul Harrington and Charlie McGettigan.
DOESN'T ADD UP
We are Scientists. They were a trio, they're now a duo. They are scientists, so they should know that they're missing one element of the chemical equation.
Three
Three is a happy, fun-loving number, and many trios are positive and go-getting. They are made up of three egos pulling against each other to form a taut, equilateral triangle, but three is also a moody number, prone to exaggeration and lack of direction, which explains ELP.
THE HOLY TRINITY
Most bands have a singer who thinks he's god, but all three members of these bands are convinced of their own god-like genius. The Police redeemed themselves with great tunes, but bands such as Rush and Emerson, Lake and Palmer took it to ridiculous, neo-classical, pseudo-sci-fi levels. ELP's bloated legacy lives on in such bands as Muse.
THE POWER-POP TRIOIs there anything more perfectly formed than the power-pop trio? The answer is nay, nay and thrice nay - just listen to the compact, uncluttered sounds of The Jam, Hüsker Dü, Nirvana and Supergrass.
THREE'S A POSSE
Sometimes, two turntables and a microphone are all you need to bring the house down, and trios thrive in hip-hop, house and rb. The Beastie Boys, De La Soul and Run-DMC rocked the mic in the 1980s, while Underworld larged it up with the Loaded generation.
AND THEN THERE WERE THREE
Some bands lose members and decide that no one can fill their lost member's shoes, carrying on as a threesome. Genesis lost two, but still managed to sound bloated as a threesome. REM's creative decline coincided with the loss of Bill Berry, making one wonder who the real genius was.
DOESN'T ADD UP
The Swedish trio Peter Bjorn and John sound incomplete. What they need, like Crosby, Stills and Nash, is a Young to complete the picture: how about Peter, Bjorn, John and Torsten?
Four
The quartet is the most common numerical delineation, but, depending on your point of view, it could denote either a well-balanced four-way rectangle or a boring rock'n'roll square. In numerology, four suggests order, organisation and practicality, but also lack of imagination and obsession with detail. The quartet is the default setting for rock bands, but, unless its four corners are marked John, Paul, George and Ringo or Bono, Edge, Adam and Larry, it can easily be the rock'n'roll equivalent of a privet hedge.
THE SNORESOME FOURSOME
Is there anything more dull and boring than four blokes (bass, drums, guitar, vocals) playing the kind of meat-and-potatoes rock we've all heard a million times before? Yet the quartet is the most popular set-up for bands, and the rock world is saturated with these four-square acts, from Status Quo to Spin Doctors, all of them linked by a resolutely blocky approach to music. At least The Smiths tried to be fabulous and Joy Division put some dark matter into the mix, but the Coldplay model of rectangular rock n' roll has long since lost its edge.
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Some quartets like to present a unified face to the world. The members are usually completely anonymous; they work as a team, united by a single goal. Kraftwerk are always arrayed ominously behind their synths, while Franz Ferdinand usually fall into goose-step together.
FOUR-STAR BANDS
"Who's your favourite Beatle?" was the question on pop fans' lips in the 1960s, and the music industry answered with The Monkees, Led Zep, Abba, U2, Queen and Pixies. With four-star bands, you're on first-name terms with every member, and the chances you'll identify with one of them are multiplied by four.
DOESN'T ADD UP
When Bill Wyman left The Rolling Stones in the late 1970s, Mick, Keef, Ron and Charlie just carried on as a quartet. They're still rolling along, but they're not a gang anymore - they're just four old blokes.
Five
Quintets are the quintessential last gang in town. Bands with five members usually give off the air of total autonomy, coming on like a self-contained crack unit, immune to attack and impervious to criticism. They are, in terms of numerology, visionary, versatile and willing to experiment, but they also can be restless, discontented and temperamental.
THE LAD BANDS
Like a bunch of fellas on a stag night, these bands like to swig lots of lager, swear and sing along to any old anthem. Oasis are the kings of the pub-rockers, while The Strokes, The Verve, Super Furry Animals, G'N'R and The Faces did their share of raiding the minibar.
THE SERIOUS CREW
While other rock bands party on, some quintets prefer to lock themselves away with an Ondes Martenot and agonise over the tape loop on track three. Radiohead are the ultimate navel-gazers - when someone buys one of their records, they'll spend weeks pondering the environmental implications of getting the bus to the record shop. The po-faced approach is not just confined to rock - Hot Chip are the hottest existential dance band around.
THE BOYBAND
In the occult, a pentagram is a magical symbol, and pop sorcerers through the ages have conjured up the evil beast known as the boyband. From the Bay City Rollers to New Kids on the Block, from Take That to Westlife, the five-headed hydra has plagued pop music with its tailor-made tunes and cover versions of Barry Manilow hits.
DOESN'T ADD UP
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich - word of advice: if your a five-piece, perhaps it's not a good idea to try and squeeze the names of all your members into the title.
Six plus
Usually, bands don't bother going beyond five, unless they're an acid-jazz combo or a Commitments tribute band. In recent years, though, we've seen a surge in mob-handed bands - these tend to display a collective instinct - everyone has left their ego at the rehearsal room door and is using their talents for the greater good.
But beware the collective that's turned into a herd. If you see more than a dozen people on the stage, look for the wild-eyed one who's in control, like a cult leader commanding his disciples.
If he's a benevolent guru, that's fine, but watch out when the band drops out of the charts - he might expect you to all join in a round of cyanide soup.
THE INDIE COLLECTIVE
Some bands just form spontaneously, gelling from an amorphous mass of fey shoegazey types into a cohesive 20- or 30-legged indie machine. This sort of thing happens a lot in Canada, where bands such as Arcade Fire and Broken Social Scene push the boundaries of how many you can get onto a pub stage.
THE CULT
We're not talking about cult bands here, we're talking about bands who are kinda like cults in themselves. On the surface, I'm From Barcelona sound harmless, but has anyone actually attempted to leave the band?
And the Polyphonic Spree claim they only wear white robes for fun, but we've seen them backstage reading the Books of Bokonon and ritualistically pressing the soles of their feet together.
OLD SOUL REBELS
Take a guitar, bass and drums. Add keyboards. Then add sax, trumpet and clarinet, then vibes, marimbas and steel drums. Whaddaya got? You got soul, but you've also got a tour scheduling nightmare, and very little elbow room onstage. From Dexy's to Republic of Loose, from It's Too Late to Stop Now to Stop Making Sense, the live scene is never complete without a sweet soul revue on the calendar.
THE BARMY ARMY
Get a bunch of nutters together in a room and things are sure to descend into utter madness. The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, GWAR, The Tubes, Warlords of Pez or Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention; you just know it's all going to end in poo jokes.
DOESN'T ADD UP
Pussycat Dolls: You've seen one scantily dressed pouting babe, you've seen 'em all.
