FOLLOWING certain revelations by journalist Sam Smyth, whom I used to think, good friend, I have been asked to explain my "relationship" with Dunnes Stores.

The facts are as follows. I occasionally shop for foodstuffs, and the odd six pack, in the Rathmines branch. I pay by cheque. Three, Christmases ago I bought a Hornby toy train set in the North Earl Street outlet. It was relatively inexpensive but I got no special deal.

Last year I met one of the Dunne family informally at a business reception. She is one of the younger cousins and not directly involved in the family business. We later met for coffee, leading to lunch, and exchanged telephone numbers. I gave her my plumber's number: she put me in touch with her aromatherapist. This was a "contra deal" of the type which is entirely above board, and the Revenue Commissioners were fully informed. Since then we have not seen each other.

As for Ben, I have never met the man. It is true I was in Orlando, Florida, on a family holiday, during the infamous cocaine and call girls episode in 1991. Like many people I became familiar with most if not all of the escort girl jokes, and actually originated one of them, for which I have still have not been given credit never mind been paid. Like other Dunnes Stores suppliers, I have been, told I am in a position of privilege and should not complain too much.

I did play golf one day on the same Orlando course which Ben was just leaving, though not without nodding to our group.

I think I saw his Mercedes going through the Phoenix Park last week.

That is the full extent of my relationship with Dunnes. My relationships with Superquinn, Quinnsworth, the Spar chain, the Centra conglomerate, Supervalu, Homestead, Coman's, the 108, the Palace, Kitty O'Shea's, Mulligans of Poolbeg Street, the O'Brien's off licence chain and the Gourmet Shop in Rathgar are rather more complex but it's hardly my fault if Sam asked me the wrong question.

As for house extensions, the only ones with which I have ever been associated were related to pub quiz nights in licensed premises some years back in Foxford, Co Mayo.

I am glad to clear all that up.

ALL RIGHT. Someone complained to me recently that newspapers are generally full of "useless" information.

Perhaps because I am "in the business" I tend to go on the defensive when this charge is made. This time, however, instead of deftly changing the subject (my usual cowardly response, I am ashamed to admit) I asked the gentleman to detail what allegedly useless information he had read in the Irish Times that day.

He cynically instanced the news that Fergie had arrived in Dublin via Cardiff, Germany and Belfast; and the "report" that the details of transactions surrounding Mr Lowry's house have yet to be fully revealed.

I countered with the information in the same edition of the paper that the French word doucement has an onomatapoeic sensuality that is entirely absent from any English synonym; and that because of a cash crisis in a small agricultural town in southern Siberia, eggs are now being accepted as payment for cinema tickets.

I think I can fairly say I held my side up well. But consider the following. The narwhal develops (unusually) a right tusk as well as a left, both spiral in the same direction, as opposed to the symmetrical twisting and coiling of antelope, sheep and goat horns on opposite sides of the head.

The explanation of the phenomenon is that the propulsive rotary motion of the narwhal's tail in swimming imparts a rotary motion to the head itself. This consistent" twisting strain or torque is applied equally and in the same direction to both right and left tusks, and their identical spiral form is, like the twisting of a wind blown tree trunk, a consequence of mechanical strains' imposed during growth.

Does anyone think that this information, offered in a British newspaper some time ago, is useless? Too esoteric to be of any use except to the mildly eccentric or totally deranged? Then let me remind you, that a narwhal horn - the kind which Middle Ages con men passed off as the unicorn horn was sold, not that long ago at Christies in London for (the tidy sum of) £441,500.

The previous owner bought the horn, which was included in a bunch of second hand walking sticks, for £12. {CORRECTION} 96120300011