ALL RIGHT, leaving aside the scandalously lenient sentences handed down at the recent Badminton Horse Trials I am going into the airline business. I have been looking out for some time for a really good moneyspinner and following the success of Ryanair the time is obviously ripe for another no frills airline. It will be no thrills too but I will get to that later.

That's great news for air travellers. What will you call it?

Times Squarelines, sure what else?

Wonderful. And when do you expect to be in the air?

Oh, fairly soon, but never mind that, the first thing is to declare annual bonuses for the directors, i.e. the wife and myself.

She's your sleeping partner?

What else would a wife be? Get sense man. Anyway I am declaring £50 million between us and I don't think that will strike anyone as extravagant. Imagination and creativity have to be rewarded, and I know that the workforce are right behind me in this, indeed quite a way behind me.

So you'll be challenging Aer Lingus?

Well of course we will, the whole point of Aer Lingus is to stimulate competition, that's what it's there for.

So what will the Times Squareline travel experience be like?

Well it's a bit hard to say until we get a look at our first plane, which should arrive any day now, according to our man in Zaire, who is just waiting to finalise the deal at Kinshasa Airport.

But your operation will be loosely based along Ryanair lines?

What do you mean, loosely based? It will be a total ripoff of Ryanair practices. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and we are all adults here, paying adult fares too I might add.

Speaking of which, no doubt you will offer child fares?

Certainly not. Anyone taking up space on our plane will pay the same price regardless of age or size. In fact I considered additional charges for those under 10 because children on aeroplanes are such a bloody nuisance. However, our marketing manager Jim Flash has advised against this, pointing out that children become adults. Some of them, anyway.

I understand you plan an inaugural light to Paris, in direct competition with Ryanair. Won't that cause a lot of upset?

It will for the £25 Ryanair passengers when they discover they could have flown to Paris with us for £1.83.

But surely that's a totally unrealistic fare?

Of course, but we'll clean up on the return trip, which will be priced at £214.98.

I can't imagine many people will be willing to pay that.

Well they'll have to if they want to get back to their families and jobs, because part of the deal is that no other airline will take them once they see our indelible airline logo stamped on their foreheads.

What about cabin comforts?

There won't be any. Like the Ryanair crowd, our customers don't expect to be waited on hand and foot, which is just as well, because there won't be anybody to wait on them.

No stewards or stewardesses?

None at all. Our customers are as keen as anyone else to have gorgeous babes and poncey young men dancing attendance on them, but they're happy to wait for that until they get to Paris. As for food, the Times Squareline traveller will not be not too uppity to bring a couple of foilwrapped ham rolls. If anyone wants to shoulder in a few party packs of Bud that's fine by us too.

What about demonstrating emergency procedures?

You mean if we run out of booze? Sorry, just joking. Look, if people can't see enormous emergency exit signs or pull on an orange jacket and blow a whistle without instruction, they shouldn't be let out alone on the street, never mind board an aeroplane.

How many seats do you expect to fill?

None, because there won't be any. We're going to rip them all out to create more space. It's standing room only. Don't worry, there'll be grabstraps galore.

On arrival in Paris, will you be using De Gaulle, Orly or Le Bourget?

None of them. We have an arrangement to land in a hypermarket car park eight miles north of Marseilles (except on late shopping nights), and from there we've organised - well more or less - a coach service. The driver, Jacques, is understandably proud of his record number of speeding convictions and it's autoroute all the way, so with a few bottles of vin ordinaire and maybe a sing song our clients won't feel the journey. Jacques rarely does, I'm told.

You must be looking forward to the launch.

Not half as much as to the stock market launch. Don't forget your prospectus on the way out.