From acts of Godard to the dress sense of female snappers, DONALD CLARKEunravels 10 great Cannes mysteries
1 WHERE’S ALL THE BOOING?
Along with angry queues and nude ladies on the beach, Cannes is famous for the fact that screenings are often accompanied by booing. Indeed, when Under the Sun of Satanwon back in 1987, the cineastes actually booed during the prize-giving – this, despite (or perhaps because) the film was a French production.
Finally, after a week of dissent-free screenings, I heard audible boos at the end of Abbas Kiarostami's arch but undeniably interesting Certified Copy. One suspects the hardcore attendees objected to the fact that the austere Iranian had elected to lower himself to a film largely in English and starring Juliette Binoche. "No. No. I was shouting Boo-noche! Boo-noche!" (Joke © The Simpsons.)
2 WILL KANGAROO CINDERELLA IN 3D EVER OPEN?
If you want to know what happened to Patrick Bergin, Tia Carrere or the small bloke out of TJ Hooker, then get yourself to the Cannes Market. This extraordinary event, which takes place in the bowels of the supernaturally hideous Palais des Festivals, finds movie producers from all over the world attempting to hawk hopelessly unlovable films to foolish distributors. Fancy the tall guy out of Blake's 7as Vlad the Impaler? Well, it's bound to be here somewhere. The king of the depressingly crappy Market film remains, however, the mighty Michael Madsen. Every second desk boasts a film starring the big man. They should just name the basement after him.
3 WHAT IS JEAN-LUC GODARD ON ABOUT?
Here’s a wonderful thing about Cannes. On Monday afternoon, a few thousand people queued in the baking sun to see an unintelligible film, part of which was filmed on a camera-phone and which – uniquely for non-English-language pictures here – was screened without formal subtitles. (There are words on the screen, but they allude only vaguely to what’s being said.)
Those of the audience who were members of the Third Estate then charged up the stairs to attend the press conference. A chance to ask a question of Godard was not to be missed. Merde! He was not there. Well, the last image on the screen was, after all, a legend saying "No comment". His representatives claimed the great man was ill. Maybe so, but it's hard to avoid the suspicion that Godard's non-attendance was all part of the piece.
4 WHERE ARE ALL THE REAL PEOPLE?
They are elsewhere. Unusual among the great film festivals, Cannes is almost entirely given over to movie professionals. A large number are from the press. Others are film-makers and distributors seeking to buy or sell product. Mind you, many of the latter never go anywhere near a screening. Some tickets are available to a select band of dedicated film fans with a formidable tolerance for queues, but, for the most part, the only ordinary people you meet will be handing you cups of coffee, changing the sheets in your room or poking you with a truncheon. As a result, exciting as the event is, it does at times feel like a hugely glamorous trade fair.
5 DID NATASCHA McELHONE DIRECT ROBIN HOOD?
Almost certainly not. It was that Ridley Scott. Wasn’t it? Some harmless eccentric does, however, seem to think the glamorous actor was behind the camera.
The chap has been seen standing outside screenings wearing a T-shirt bearing a lengthy paragraph of text that makes various undoubtedly unfounded allegations against Sir Ridley. It's hard to read the screed without the risk of starting an unwanted relationship with this unusual fellow. The final line, suggesting that the star of Solarisand The Truman Showcalled the shots, does, nonetheless, jump right out at you.
On the subject of Robin Hood, why were people standing outside the cinema begging for tickets last Wednesday when they could easily see the film that same day in a commercial cinema? It still seems an odd choice for the opening film.
6 DID SOMEBODY MAKE AN AWFUL MISTAKE WITH THE COMPETITION PROGRAMME?
This question has been asked repeatedly over the last week and a bit. Last year was, by many folks' reckoning, one of the best festivals in memory. The White Ribbonand A Prophetbrought quality to the competition. Inglourious Basterdsand Antichristbrought controversy. This year, though there have been some very fine films, the main competition has lacked the same jump-off-the-page urgency. Takeshi Kitano's Outrageand Mike Leigh's Another Yearwere both first-class, but they excelled in ways we expect from those two (dazzlingly different) directors.
The accusation is, perhaps, unfair. Films such as Xavier Beauvois's Of Gods and Menand Wang Xiaoshuai's Chongqing Bluesare of very high quality. So what if they're not particularly sexy?
7 WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE CHATROOM?
Interest in Hideo Nakata's Chatroomwas such that there was a genuine fight to get into the press screening. Adapted from a play by Enda Walsh (who wrote Steve McQueen's Hunger), Chatroomdetails transgressive behaviour between various visitors to, yes, an internet chat room. Sure, capturing the web zeitgeist is like capturing smoke in a bottle and, though the play is only five years old, the resulting film seems a bit dated. But it is impressively weird and unsettling.
For all that, it received some mercilessly terrible reviews this week. The oddness did perhaps take people unawares. The acting is strange. But it is a great deal more interesting than the responses suggest. Looks like it won’t win the Un Certain Regard section.
8 WHAT DO FEMALE PHOTOGRAPHERS WEAR ON THE RED CARPET?
The official gala screenings of competition films and special presentations do not just require the actors and visiting celebrities to wear dinner jackets. It is also a black-tie event for the photographers. Obviously, these rules were instituted during a less liberated era when the snappers were almost entirely male. That’s all changed. Logically, female photographers should wear posh dresses with spangles, but this is hardly appropriate clothing for ducking and diving from the Bentley to the ruby-coated steps. So, to a large extent, the female snappers now also wear dinner jackets and bow ties. The effect is impressively (if unintentionally) eccentric.
9 WHAT’S THE MOST IMPRESSIVE PIECE OF BRUTALITY IN OUTRAGE?
Takeshi Kitano's Outrageis, perhaps, the most violent film ever to compete for the Palme d'Or. Sure, Antichristhad the business with the severed clitoris, but its nasty moments were relatively few in number. Outrage, a Yakuza drama from a genuine Japanese master, features annihilations and eviscerations all the way through. Certainly, the selection of exotic finger removals are hard to bear. The scene in which somebody gets a dental drill rammed in his mouth will not be mistaken for an out-take from a Merchant Ivory film. But the finest moment has to be the scene during which a chap has his jaw slammed shut so firmly that he severs his own tongue.
10 WHAT’S UP WITH THE AMERICAN PAVILION?
At the back of the Palais des Festivals you encounter a line of structures, each of which houses a delegation from a particular country. Here you can learn about the possibilities of working in Austria, Sweden, Kazakhstan and, yes, Ireland. You stroll in, pick up a few brochures, and ponder the relevant country’s latest releases.
Try wandering into the American Pavilion, however, and you will be charged $10 for the privilege. And that's $10 per day. This is rather like the people from Cadbury's charging you to watch one of their Flake advertisements. Head, instead, to the Louisiana Pavilion, where, offering a contrast to their nation's salesmen, you will receive a bottle of delicious Tabasco sauce. For free.
