‘WHY DO I find it hard to write the next line?” Spandau Ballet once less than memorably asked. Probably because the lyricist knew exactly what sort of doggerel he was writing and was terrified of what would come out next.
Still, to be fair, Spandau songwriter Gary Kemp was a literary giant compared with the meaningless drivel offered up by some of the illiterates around him.
We know rock lyrics aren’t pretending to be poetry, that they are only supposed to work within the musical context of the song, etc. But some of the stuff flung at the public in the name of “wordsmithery” deserves to be punishable by law.
Frequently, lyrics are the very last part of the song to be written, and, with the studio clock ticking down, anything and everything can be used to move along the process. Coldplay's Chris Martin was so stuck one time that he turned in desperation to the nearest thing beside him – a copy of the Yellow Pages. Hence the title of one of their biggest hits: Yellow.
A new book, succinctly titled Crap Lyrics, does a sterling job of rounding up the worst. "Lyrics are often the last thing musicians consider before they record a song," writes author Johnny Sharp (aka Johnny Cigarettes). "Being a feckless, pampered and work-shy breed at the best of times, they will put off the daunting job of setting their thoughts to music until the last possible moment."
Some of Sharp's examples are so transcendentally dreadful that they could be celebrated as a skewed art-form all of their own. You can warm yourself up with a careful consideration of Johnny Borrell's moment of existential epiphany on the Razorlight song Somewhere Else: "I met a girl. She asked me my name. I told her what it was." Count the hidden meanings there.
At least the likes of Duran Duran would try and throw in the odd simile to put some form of literary veneer on their output. From their Is There Something I Should Know?masterpiece, we get this remarkable Hall of Fame contender: "Don't say you're easy on me/You're about as easy as a nuclear war." The singer was dressed in a canary yellow suit while delivering this little aperçu.
There have been numerous polls carried out on this subject. The two songs that always feature at the top of the list are Snap's Rhythm Is a Dancer("I'm serious as cancer when I say that rhythm is a dancer") and ABC's That Was Then But This Is Now("More sacrifices than an Aztec priest/ Standing here straining at that leash/All fall down, can't complain, mustn't grumble/Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble").
The latter was undoubtedly a big influence on Des'ree's Lifesong: "I don't want to see a ghost/It's the sight I fear most/I'd rather have a piece of toast."
As you read through these wondrous observations, you realise that, such is their significance within the realm of popular culture, there could be a travelling crap lyrics exhibition – a modern version of the Victorian fun fair.
Anyone can write a crap lyric (and many do), but only the truly touched can come up with those "serious as cancer" and "you're about as easy as a nuclear war" moments. But there's a careful line to tread. For example, Oasis's Champagne Supernovais frequently held up as a prime exemplar of the crap lyric, but when you really think about "Slowly walking down the hall/Faster than a cannonball/ Where were you while we were getting high?" there seems to be a sliver of meaning buried deep in there someone. It just doesn't have the brilliant literal terseness of Aerosmith's Pink: "Pink when I turn out the light/Pink – it's like red, but not quite."
Crap Lyrics – A Celebration of the Very Worst Pop Lyrics of All Timeby Johnny Sharp
