Kevin Courtneyon Carbon guilt.

I get that every time I drive my SUV to the local shop.

Carbon guilt is that burning feeling you get when you commit some heinous, energy-wasting, environment-destroying act, such as flying to Thailand for a stag weekend, or taking the Rolls to a Radiohead concert. You know deep down you should have had the stag in Kilkenny (and not hired the strippers) and you should have used public transport to go to the gig, but you didn't, so you wallow in carbon guilt, hoping that if you wring your hands and beat your breast often enough, you'll offset your massive, size-13 carbon footprint.

Shame!

Everybody talks up climate change, sustainable energy and green initiatives, but the reality for a lot of people is that they still have to get on with their lives, which invariably means driving to work, burning fossil fuels and taking the odd business trip to Latvia. Sure, we'd love to recycle, but who has the time to separate out all the household waste or count up our carbon emissions? Not many of us can afford the luxury of high-end hybrid cars, solar-powered houses and environmentally friendly travel, so we sometimes have to shrug our shoulders, say "sorry, earth" and just stick with the CO2-emitting jalopy, the coal-fired central heating and the charter plane to Tenerife.

So what if you end up in the workhouse? At least the world will be a better place.

The endless exhortations in the media to "go green", and the inevitable tut-tutting at people for not being green enough, has put us on a collective carbon guilt trip. We duck down in our SUVs so no one recognises us, and we hide our faces at the long-haul check-in desk. And God forbid that anyone should spot us putting recyclables into our black bin - we would spontaneously combust in shame. The carbon guilt is exacerbated by the growing army of pop stars preaching to us from the stage, and pointing their fingers accusingly at us during Live Earth.

Leave us alone, you big, green bullies!

Carbon guilt, once it takes hold, can get out of hand. Soon, we'll have to walk barefoot to Oxegen, wearing nothing but cheesecloth. Some sarcastic types have suggested that, since we emit CO2 every time we take a breath, we may as well do the decent thing and kill ourselves.

So, how do we assuage our carbon guilt?

Pop stars assuage it by lecturing to the rest of us and writing songs about saving the earth. Governments do it by heaping the responsibility for the environment on their citizens. And ordinary people just spy on their neighbours and report them to the green police every time they water their plants.

But, surely, the only way is to repent and switch to sustainable energy alternatives?

Going green may not help - in fact, if the latest findings are anything to go by, you may only make things worse. Recent studies have shown that biofuels are a major cause of world food shortages, so there's a double dose of carbon guilt for you.

Try at work:

"Okay, we need to say sorry for damaging the environment - how about spelling out an apology in skywriting over every major city?"

Try at home:

"Dad, I'd like nothing better than to mow the lawn, but really, could you live with the carbon guilt?"