In Roddy Doyle’s new book, two men meet in a Dublin pub and talk about everything from family to football, finance and Donna Summer. Here they give their views on Ireland’s Olympic boxing hero
8-8-12: THE SEMI-FINAL
– You’re in early.
– So are you.
– I need a fuckin’ pint.
– You were watchin’ Katie Taylor, yeah?
– Brilliant.
– Fuckin’ brilliant.
–Did yeh ever think watchin’ a girl boxin’ the head off another girl would make yeh feel so proud?
– Gas, isn’t it?
– Will she win the gold but?
– Foregone conclusion.
– No doubts at all?
– None.
– How come?
– She’s from Bray.
– Wha’?
– Did yeh ever walk through Bray on a Saturday nigh’, did yeh?
– No.
– It’s either boxin’ or sprintin’.
– Makes sense. See the Brits were claimin’ her, but. The Daily Telegraph or somethin’.
– Never mind the Brits. We’ll start worryin’ if the Germans start claimin’ her.
– Or the IMF – we’ll eliminate the debt in exchange for Katie Taylor.
– No deal, lads. We’ll take the debt.
– She’s ours.
– She is.
– An’ see your man, the showjumper, the one with the horse tha’ cheated – he’s doin’ well too.
– Fuck’m.
– Yeah.
9-8-12: THE FINAL
– Jesus, man – me heart.
– It was close.
– Jesus
– But she won.
– She’s brilliant.
– Just brilliant.
– I love her.
– Me too. Your man on the telly’s right. She’s a fuckin’ legend.
– She’s a born-again Christian as well. Did yeh know tha’?
– God is my shield – yeah. That’s what’s made her a gold medallist.
– Wha’?
– The religion.
– Wha’?
– No, listen. If she was a Catholic, righ’, she’d’ve been happy with the bronze.
– Wha’?!
– It’s always the same. We qualify for somethin’ or we get to a final or a semi-final and that’s grand – we’re there for the fuckin’ party. But the born-agains – Jesus.
– You’re serious.
– It was the same with the War of Independence. We won three-quarters o’ the country and then we said, That’ll do us. An’ we went home for our fuckin’ tea.
– But if we’d been born-again Christians, we’d’ve kept goin’?
– The fourth green field, yeah – no bother. And on into Scotland – an’ Iceland – an’ fuckin’ Zimbabwe.
– Yeh might be righ’.
– Think about it.
– When was the last time we won a gold without cheatin’?
– Twenty years – Michael Carruth.
– So maybe honesty is the best policy.
– Ah now – calm down.
Extracted from Two Pints, by Roddy Doyle, which will be published by Jonathan Cape on November 1st at £6.99; © Roddy Doyle 2012
