If there's a bully in your family, holidays can exacerbate the problem, writes Anne Dempsey. No wonder it's a busy time for marriage counsellors.
It's supposed to be idyllic: the annual family holiday away from the stresses and strains of work and school.
But for many it's a myth - ask any relationship counsellor. The national marriage care service, Accord, says its two busiest times of the year are around Christmas, and August after the annual family holiday.
Kathleen Maguire, co-author of Bullying in the Workplace, Home and School is not surprised. "On holiday there is enforced togetherness, people are de-roled, out of routine, pitched together, interacting frequently and closely in a limited space, and the more limited, the greater the possibility of problems. Aggression can be intensified in these situations, and anyway it can take little to trigger bullying behaviour."
Kathleen, a Presentation Sister who works with individuals and groups, defines family bullying as any form of emotional or psychological negative action directed towards an individual or individuals.
"It is not just a once-off incident. It is repeated, unprovoked aggression. Bullying is all about control and if someone is constantly being nagged at, they will become insecure and believe they are useless.
"However, unlike bullying at work or in school, there is little research to establish the extent of family bullying. It is secret, it goes on behind closed doors, members stay silent out of fear, embarrassment, dependence, loyalty, but from my own experience, it is a serious problem."
So what happens when a troubled family heads off to an apartment in the Costas, or a caravan in Co Kerry? There are, says Kathleen, a few typical scenarios. People who bully usually have a poor self-image and feel threatened by attractive, successful partners or young adults. So a jealous man or woman may see or imagine their partner attracting attention from others and so attempt to ratchet up the control.
"That is quite prevalent and can be extremely difficult. If someone feels under constant surveillance, they can become very tense, unable to relax, to enjoy themselves, to act and speak naturally."
Bullies on holiday can, she says, continue to throw their weight about as they do at home.
"They decide how the family spends its time, change plans without explanation, deprive family members of money, or dole out small portions then want a detailed account of how it was spent. There can be a different kind of financial bullying where the dominant one wants to stay in the best places, or eat out expensively even if the money isn't there.
"Holidays make everything more so, which can intensify bullying behaviour. Away from home and wanting a happy experience, you may see other couples and other families obviously getting on well together and it can show up what you lack. This can lead to a sense of loss. Sometimes you will find families joining up with other people to get over this, but that can go badly if one partner is used to putting the other down and continues to do so in company."
While teens being embarrassed by their parents is part of adolescent territory, the public aspect of bullying can be a holiday torture for children and young people. Living with the fact that Dad bullies Mum or vice versa, they may dread that away from the secrecy of home, this will emerge into public gaze. But even when problems are kept under wraps around the pool, an apparently harmonious holiday can come at a cost.
"On holiday the bully's wings are clipped, the control can be less, and then everyone pays for it when they get home as the bully re-exerts authority," says Maguire.
Summer holidays can also lead to long-distance bullying, she says.
"For couples going through a painful separation, holiday time can be hell. I have known of situations where the bullying spouse takes the children away for weeks on end, without any mutual agreement, buys their affection, gives them a good time, tries to poison them against the other parent who has to try to pick up the pieces when the children return. In this case, holidays are used to inflict pain through the children.
"Of course, children can bully parents too, wanting designer stuff, seeing what peers have and become very demanding."
Head this off, she suggests, by encouraging them to save some pocket-money towards holidays, talk in advance about their spending money, make the holiday destination a family decision, and discuss the cost of the holiday and the amount of working/earning it takes to afford it. All this may help to quiet the clamour for designer clobber. Children often want to divide and conquer, so adopting a united parental front will help too.
The main outcomes of family conflict are escalation, when things get blown out of proportion, invalidation, where one person subtly or directly puts another down, avoidance/withdrawal, where one adult won't face up to a problem.
Where partners can work together, they can stop these things from happening by adopting a problem-solving approach. This could include brainstorming for creative solutions and avoiding critical comment, leading to some agreement and compromise. However, this presupposes an element of goodwill and equality - often in short supply when living with a bully, whether at home or abroad.
"Those who are bullied during holidays are not responsible for being victims but they are responsible for their own healing," says Maguire. "They owe it to themselves and their children. The sad fact is that research shows that children who witness bullying in the family tend to become bullies themselves. They subconsciously conclude that bullying is part of being an adult. So taking steps will help the whole family. You may not be able to control a bully's behaviour but there are changes you can make to help yourself [see panel\].
"Be realistic about your efforts and do not expect perfect results. Consult your GP to make sure you are in good health, because the process of solving such problems carries with it stress and strain."
What about the one who bullies?. "Some people may recognise themselves reluctantly in what we have said. If you feel 'that sounds like me', and realise that such behaviour is not acceptable, that is a good thing and hopefully the beginning of change," says Maguire.
Confronting Bullying, organised by Sister Kathleen Maguire and Father Byrne, explores the nature of bullying and offers strategies for confronting bullies, informally or formally. It runs in St Michael's College, Ailesbury Road, Dublin 4 on Tuesday, September 7th and continues for four Tuesdays, 8 p.m. - 9.45 p.m. Contact 01- 8380157. Cost: €70.
Standing up for yourself
Make a list of your good qualities to build up your self-esteem
Try to list your partner's good qualities, remembering he/she is not totally bad
List the benefits gained by the bully through the behaviour.
Reflect on what triggers the outbursts
Take a look at yourself to see if there are changes you could make in your behaviour to help the situation.
Become aware of your own feelings of anger and annoyance and avoid bullying tactics yourself.
Then do something about your feelings.
Give yourself time to be quiet, to relax, listen to music, pray, light a candle.
Consider taking a course in self-assertiveness that might help you face the situation in a structured and effective way
