We asked 20 comedians to tell us their favourite joke. The result? Michael Jackson gags, one practical joke and a surprising gripe against hippies

KEVIN GILDEA

A drunken man walks into a library and in a very loud voice says: “I want to order a fish and a chips.”

The librarian explains that he is in a library.

The man apologises, then whispers: “I want to order a fish and a chips.”

MAZ JOBRANI

When Michael Jackson died the news coverage on him in the US was ridiculous. Every news channel and news programme was covering Michael. I even saw the weatherman covering his death. I was watching TV and the weatherman said: “Today, the weather looks Michael Jacksony . . . It’s gonna start out dark and get lighter as the day goes on.”

SONYA KELLY

“I can’t multi-task. I once had an appointment with my dentist and my gynaecologist the same morning. I ended up lying in the wrong chair in the wrong direction. Which was very upsetting for my gay dentist.”

CAROL TOBIN

I had a dream last night I was in bed with Marti Pellow. It was my first Wet Wet Wet dream . . .

KEVIN McALEER

You get a lot of grief for not having a girlfriend. I got fed up with all the old aunts and uncles saying to me at weddings “Oh, you’ll be next.”

So I started saying it to them at funerals. (As told by Mark Steel)

JARLATH REGAN

What’s the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway.

GUY PRATT

What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz one? A rock guitarist plays three chords to thousands of people.

COLM O’REGAN

I was on the street.

This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said: “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said: “I am.” (Demetri Martin)

RICHARD VRANCH

(from Paul Merton Impro Chums) In church, why do we say A-men, not A-women? Because we sing hymns, not hers.

DEAD CAT BOUNCE

Two tramps are sitting on a park bench. One says to the other “It’s nice out.” The other says “I know, I’m going to get mine out in a minute.”

JOE ROONEY

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast anytime”.

So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steve Wright)

KEITH FARNAN

It’s always hard to nail down a favourite joke. I don’t think comedians have favourite jokes, I think we tend to have favourite riffs, favourite bits that are crafted in such a way so as to have you in awe. The American comedian, George Carlins riff on “Seven Words you can never say on Television” is something truly great, even today, but looking back at the censurious American society he was living in, it’s just genius.

As a one-off joke though, Woody Allen saying he cheated in his existential exam by looking into the soul of the boy next to him, is almost perfect.

RUBBER BANDITS

My brother is a liar. Last night he said “It’s late, I think I’m going to go upstairs and turn into my bed”. A half an hour later I crept into his room to check and to my utter shock no such metamorphosis had occurred. The next morning at breakfast I spat in his face.

GEAROID FARRELLY

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time” (Demitri Martin). Just in case someone has picked this, I also like “I don’t need to do this. I have money, it’s all tied up . . . in my parents’ house” (Stephen K Amos).

ANNE GILDEA

Winnie Mandela – it’s a bit of a misnomer, that. Shouldn’t it be Losie Mandela? (Harry Hill)

WILLIE WHITE

Why did the lifeguard not save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man!

SUE COLLINS

Me friend’s fella just left her. She’s in absolute bits! If it wasn’t for the Valium she’d be on drugs.

SHARON MANNION

The Michael Jackson autopsy has found four possible causes of death: sunshine, moonlight, good times and boogie.

DAMIAN CLARK

What’s orange and looks good on hippies? Fire.

SIMON MORLEY

(Puppetry of the Penis)

I don’t really tell jokes; my comedy is obviously more physical. I do love practical jokes, though, and this is one of my favourites.

After picking up friends from the airport, on the way home I pull up to a lonely little cottage where a pair of very grumpy Welsh people live.

I tell my guest that I am going to take the car around the back and that they should go inside and make themselves at home.

They usually walk in, go to the toilet or fix themselves a drink, before the occupants come screaming into the room. They usually make their way back outside with a broom up their ass rather smartly to find me still in the car with the engine running and ready for a quick getaway.

I did this with my friend Evan Dando from the Lemonheads and became rather concerned that after five minutes he hadn’t returned. It turned out that they had their daughter at home for a visit and when he walked in she cried, “Evan Dando! I can’t believe it! It’s great to see you!”

He took this as a welcoming party and the grumpy Welsh couple thought he was a friend of their daughter’s.

In the end I had to go in and get him out, much to the daughter’s distress.

Some of these comedians appear as part of the Bulmers Comedy Festival, which runs in Dublin until Sunday, September 27th.

See bulmerscomedy.ie