THE WORLD'S economy is in the doldrums as a new series of the UK Apprenticebegins, yet the opening episode managed to feature a Rolls Royce and a Ferrari.
They weren’t being rented to sharp-suited City professionals, however, one of the tasks in the last series. The two luxury vehicles were being lathered and polished for a pittance by members of the ladies’ team, Ignite.
Sir Alan Sugar, who will hire his apprentice for a six-figure salary after a gruelling 12-week televised job interview, has always delighted in making the candidates get their hands dirty. He also loves to throw out colourful, disparaging comparisons. This year’s hopefuls are “bongo drums”, for example, to Sir Alan’s “Stradivarius”.
“I am looking for a diamond,” he declared, before putting the 15 anxious men and women to the power-washing test. “Remember, a diamond started off as a lump of coal. It only turned into a diamond under extreme pressure. And pressure is what business is all about.”
Diamonds aside, the producers say Series Five’s tasks will reflect the economic downturn. So no more pop art and arty photographs sold for ludicrous prices at champagne launches, then?
Next week’s task was described by the show’s narrator as “corporate catering for city slickers”. Others include designing and marketing gym equipment, and revitalising a UK seaside resort.
The candidates’ accommodation hardly fits the recession billet – they’ve been allocated a 11,000sq ft luxury penthouse. Already the expected characteristics are emerging: desperation, terror, bullishness, bitchiness, cunning, cowardice, naivety, bewilderment – over time, possibly even in the same person.
But the flaws that most irritated Sir Alan’s right-hand man, Nick Hewer, were indecision and chaotic chatter, as he watched the women contestants waste an hour-and-a-half while their male counterparts in team Empire were out working.
Margaret Mountford, Sir Alan’s right-hand woman, was so annoyed at the time the chaps spent valeting that she invoked Winston Churchill: “Never before in the history of car-washing have so few cars been washed by so many people for such a long time.”
Time is always crucial in the apprentices’ world, but so are planning and costing. The men’s shoe-shining and vehicular ventures netted them a profit of £239 whereas the limo-laundering ladies managed £160. Yet Ignite’s £357 income was actually £10 more than Empire’s.
Spending the maximum budget of £200 (the chaps kept outlay to £107) and squandering the chance of another 10 washes at £10 each lost the plot for Ignite. Though the gents did come under fire for finishing just 18 of the 30 cars they had undertaken.
Sir Alan fired 35-year-old squeaky-clean lawyer Anita Shah because she was holding the costs calculator, failed to shout stop . . . and couldn’t dish enough dirt to smear anyone else.
The Apprenticeis on BBC One at 9pm on Wednesdays
