Did Ireland win?
We ask only because – and not to be too hyperbolic or anything – has there ever been a less aesthetically pleasing and more bewilderingly distracting sporting sight to appear on our TV screens in the history of time than the one Soldier Field chucked at us on Saturday evening?
At one point in that first half, Virgin Media’s Dave McIntyre told us that Tadhg Furlong had, apparently, scored a try, even when Ireland were, apparently, down to 14 men.
This was, indeed, news to us, because the very last thing you could focus on was what actual rugby happenings were occurring on the pitch. It might as well have been a behind-closed-doors tussle.
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First, there were so many luminous yellow boots on the field, the players had a look of Laa-Laa from the Teletubbies. Granted, if we were offered a heap of loot by a bootmaking company to don their excessively loud footwear, we’d snatch their hands off too. Damn it, we’d have worn stilettos out there if they paid us enough.
But hats off to the few rebels who opted for less jarring shades. If Harry Chapin was alive today, he’d have saluted them with lyrics along the lines of: “Rugby boots are luminous yellow young man, and green leaves are green, there’s no need to see rugby boots in any other way, than the way boot manufactures now want them to be seen.”
At which point traditionalist Andrew Porter, in his white footwear, would burst in to song: “There are so many colours in the rainbow, so many colours in the morning sun, so many colours in rugby boots, and I won’t be cowed in to wearing luminous yellow ones when white is available.”
You could only assume that the couple of lads who wore luminous pink had lost a bet.
But let’s move on to the biggest issue of all. The ads on the pitch. Lord.
“CHICAGO” read one, lest we thought the match was taking place in Bundoran, and it was as if a 3D-ish Harvey Norman and Vodafone were sitting on our laps. Not to mention the insurance company and the crowd specialising in industrial services and equipment manufacturing for the construction and building industry. (Hat tip: the Google).
WhatsApp exchange:
“Those ads on the pitch are ugly, I can’t see any rugby.”
“They’re not on the pitch.”
“What?”
“The ads are not actually on the pitch.”
“It’s too early for whiskey.”
“Look at the view from the blimp – they’re not on the actual pitch. Hic.”
Rewind. Strewth. They weren’t on the actual pitch. We were victims of hokery pokery. Porter’s white boots weren’t trampling Harvey Norman and Vodafone after all, their ads were just being superimposed on a field that was already bestrewn with American Football markings, as if the viewing experience wasn’t already headache-inducing enough.
Appropriately, New Zealand had a Holland and Barrett in their side, which was a reminder to order eye health capsules.
The game, then, was a sight that caused sore eyes.
Did Ireland win?
