John O'Sullivan/TV View Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan likes to get "all his ducks in a row", former Lions and Wales wing Ieuan Evans, legendary former All Blacks hooker Seán Fitzpatrick and ITV's anchor man Jim Rosenthal salivated at the prospect of a duck shoot in a bath in reference to New Zealand's Rugby World Cup clash with Canada.
The Canucks were the fodder; a plaything for the All Blacks with Fitzpatrick suggesting the match could degenerate into a 100-point rout. It was not an unreasonable assertion. Canada's performance in their opening match, a mauling by Wales, didn't augur well especially when they made 14 changes for yesterday's game.
The All Blacks had made nine from their tonking of Italy but this was an apples and oranges comparison: New Zealand boast depth of quality in their squad, Canada in comparison turned to the "financial advisers, computer analysts and students" to defend their honour.
Rosenthal had opened the programme with "all roads lead to the final so fasten your seat belts and don't stop for the traffic". No we couldn't figure out what he meant either.
In the build-up to the match there was time for a pit-stop reference to England's clash with South Africa in Perth today, the panel digesting the news England's Matt Dawson and Richard Hill had been forced to withdraw through injury.
Dawson's predicament drew knowing smiles from the panel. The scrumhalf had been injured in the opening match, was doubtful for the Springboks game, was subsequently selected and then withdrew. Evans was adamant Dawson was never going to be fit, Fitzpatrick suggesting England were indulging in mind games.
The panellists predicted doom and gloom, a blackwash and advised the plucky Canadians would be ripped asunder. Time for the Telstra Stadium and the anthems that produced the jarring sight of a male and female wearing blazers adorned with the flags of their native countries.
Garish, it was definitely time to tone down the colour (of course the two who'll grab the microphones before Ireland's second outing, against Namibia tomorrow, will again resemble refugees from Darby O'Gill And The Little People).
Nigel Starmer Smith and former Scotland captain David Sole provided the commentary, both subscribing to the damage-limitation theory that the Canadians would pursue. The first quarter of the match gone and the All Blacks led 7-3, fumbling and spluttering against the aggressive Canadians.
Starmer Smith had been championing the case for New Zealand's centre Ma'a Nonu but having applied the mockers, could only squirm verbally as Nonu ran like a Teletubby with a hangover. His team-mate hooker Mark Hammett wasn't helping with awful lineout throwing.
The fact scrumhalf Sean Devine was barely more accurate with his passing and that the All Blacks kept spilling possession meant the Canadians were faring considerably better than the experts had predicted. The only problem with the Canucks was that possession was largely something of a liability and the majority of New Zealand's first-half scores came from turnovers.
Fitzpatrick looked grumpy at half-time and it was easy to sense he would have loved to have been in the dressing-room. In the second half the All Blacks made fewer errors and while David Sole struggled to come to terms with the pronunciation of several names - who's Case Meows (Kees Meeuws) - Starmer Smith found identifying a couple of New Zealand players a real thorn in his side.
You see, the All Blacks captain is Reuben Thorne; his team-mate in the pack is called Brad Thorn. That would be excusable but Starmer Smith kept mixing up Brad Thorn and Chris Jack, referring to the latter as the former Australian rugby league test star, when it's the former.
Confused? Well Starmer Smith's day didn't get any better when he suggested folks at home could watch Wales and Ireland play their respective fixtures after England's game today. How about tomorrow Nigel?
There was time to see a cameraman bowled over on the sideline, sustaining a cut eye, Gabby Yorath crack a joke and Rosenthal conclude with another cryptic statement.
