Heskey's disappearing actIt didn't take long for wiseacres to find a bit of humour in magician David Blaine's new stunt. The American is to be suspended in a box over the River Thames for 44 days without food (he's allowed water).

We'd like to thank the hundred or so people who sent the e-mail stating that David Blaine has given up his controversial stunt. He was told that doing nothing in a box for 44 days is not going to break the record currently held by Liverpool and England forward Emile Heskey at four years.

Vieira says never ... maybe

Patrick Vieira, September 2002: "I would never play in England in another shirt other than Arsenal's. If I was to leave it would therefore be elsewhere."

Patrick Vieira, May 2003: "It's hard to see myself playing for another team but Arsenal and, if I did leave, I would go abroad. I just don't see myself in Manchester."

Patrick Vieira, September 2003: "I read that Manchester United asked about me during the summer, and anything is possible in football. But although I am happy where I am, you can never say never."

Well you can, Patrick. And you, erm, did.

There's only several Owens

This little item was taken from the Daily Telegraph during the week. "The one player who might briefly threaten England is the striker Mario Frick, who will surely at one point be referred to in the commentary tonight as Liechtenstein's answer to Michael Owen."

This from the London Independent: "Thomas Beck, a nippy technician who is nicknamed 'Liechtenstein's Michael Owen', will be the most dangerous."

Eh, neither of these players were referred to as Liechtenstein's answer to Michael Owen either in the post match newspaper reports or the live commentary by BBC television.

In fact, the only place in which either player was singled out for comparison with the diminutive England striker is in the articles above.

As far as we are aware no one in Liechtenstein refers to either Frick or Thomas Beck as Liechtenstein's Michael Owen.

Twente twente vision

Dutch team FC Twente have been forced to make an unusual appeal to their fans. It's a far cry from the usual stop racism plea, or appeal against the violence sometimes associated with soccer supporters. This is rather more mundane. The first division team has made a plea to fans to stop stealing balls during the matches.

The cash strapped club point out that each time a ball disappears in this way the club loses 125.

"It often happens that balls that end up in the stands are not given back to the ball boys," a spokesman for the club said.

He added that he wanted the supporters to cheer on their club but to make sure that the balls were returned and basically to rat out anyone they saw sidling off with a football.

Mind you, there is a school of thought that suggests the supporters of FC Twente are simply doing their team a favour by trying to keep the ball out of play for as long as possible.

FC Twente are currently 18th of 18 teams with just three points from three matches.

Who'll put the ball in the net

Poor old Northern Ireland's lack of prowess in front of goal received the cartoon treatment in the Daily Mail during the week. The captain shows the coach talking to one of the players and issuing the following instructions.

"Follow the white line until you come to the corner flag, turn right and the goalposts are the things about 40 yards in from there."

Sammy McIlroy's men have not scored a goal in 12 matches, beating the previous record held by Liechtenstein of 11 matches.

The unwanted record came about when Northern Ireland lost 1-0 at home to Armenia in the recent European Championship qualifying match.

In that period they have played 11 players up front since Steve Lomas scored their last goal against Poland in February of last year.

We take a quick look at the men who haven't found the net.

Paul McVeigh (Norwich): flashed a header wide of a gaping net against Ukraine.

David Healy (Preston): Huge ability but not getting the game time at club level and as a result his confidence isn't all it might be.

Keith Gillespie (Leicester): An bona fide winger but was switched into the middle without the desired result.

James Quinn (Willem 11, Holland): Has been given every chance but hasn't been able to break the duck despite a strong physique and good aerial presence.

Stuart Elliott (Hull): More at home on the left flank, a fact that obvious when he's played up front.

Gary Hamilton (Portadown): Returned from Blackburn but with only one cap hasn't really got a chance.

Andrew Kirk (Hearts): Has played five times but without success.

Michael Hughes (Crystal Palace): Hugely experienced but really is a midfielder playing up front.

Lee McEvilly (Rochdale): Young player who's honest and brave but was playing non-league football just a short time ago.

Andrew Smith (Glentoran): Has tried hard but just can't find the answer.

Steve Jones (Crewe): Might have had a hat-trick against Armenia but found the 'keeper in inspired form; which just about sums up the team's plight in internationals at present.

Quotes of the week

"I know that feeling, when you're described to everybody as an idiot" - Berti Vogts.

"Liverpool are my nap selection - I prefer to sleep when they're on the box." - Former QPR star and renowned gambler Stan Bowles gives his verdict on Liverpool's style of play.

"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today but we've pulled.

"Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have maybe not been the best looking bird, but at least we got her in the taxi.

"She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee." - QPR boss Ian Holloway comes up with the quote of the century to describe his team's lacklustre performance against Chesterfield.

Kenyon quotes

Peter "The Club Is In My Blood" Kenyon in Quotes:

March 1997: on becoming Manchester United's deputy chief executive: "I think, to be fair, Manchester United was the only club I would work for."

May 2001: on improving Man United's image and ridding itself of the money is the be all and end all stereotype: "Manchester United hasn't done enough to talk to people about what its real plans are or what its real objectives are . . . we have become the epitome of corporate football."

April 2003: talking about Manchester United's real plans for David Beckham: "We at Manchester United never had any intention of selling him."

July 2003: on the perils of Chelsea luring big names with big money: "I am quite sure Chelsea will become a bigger force but it is our intention to keep Manchester United at the top. Having money is not necessarily a route to automatic success. In some ways, a 'buy everything' policy can create problems when you are recruiting players purely for financial reasons."

Seems like he'll have to change his tune now that he's gone to Chelski.