"I played golf with Danno at Bodenstown yesterday - he was mooing coming down the last fairway, he spent so much time on high ground," explained Danno's "friend" George Walsh.
"To be honest, he couldn't hit snow off a rope. He even bought a new driver, but he's getting shorter instead of longer. It's just not happening for him at the moment, life isn't good. At least if you send us a polo shirt for him we can dress him up and he'll look well."
Danno (or Dan, Dan the Bottom Man, as his Golf Masters' "friends" call him) is Danny Grehan, one of 10 Guinness employees who are not only entrants in the Golf Masters, but also in a "Mini Masters" they run themselves, a competition based on our own.
While one of the 10, "Hans" Christy Anderson, is so far ahead of the others (by £700,000 to be exact) that he's already booked a holiday, which he intends paying for with the £400 first prize, 10th placed Danny is lagging so far BEHIND that even his colleagues are beginning to feel sorry for him.
George, who is in charge of adding up the figures in the "Mini Masters", went away on a fortnight's holiday recently and left Danno in charge of the score sheet. "Even then, with the pencil in his own hand, he didn't manage to lift himself off the bottom. An honest man, our Dan, no `rubberwedge' for him . . . although, it has to be said, there were a few people looking over his shoulder," said George.
"He started week one in seventh place but, over the next three weeks, he rocketed to the bottom and has clung doggedly to the floor ever since. Go on - give us a shirt for him, he could do with a little boost." How could we refuse?
(Filling the rest of the places on the Guinness Mini Masters leaderboard are Brian Davis, Mick Murphy, Jim Ryan, Paul Murray, Paul Murran, Alan Ronan and Alan Dunne. A special mention, though, goes to Dorothy Walsh, George's wife, who admits that she is the Danno of the Walsh household . . . in that she trails George and their son Edwin in the `real' Golf Masters. "Bottom of the pile, I'm afraid," she confessed. Wait till George sees her in a Golf Masters' polo shirt, though).
How To Transfer
If you have a team entered in the Golf Masters you can check its score and position, remind yourself of the line-up, change any of the information you left when entering and make player transfers by calling the numbers below at any time.
Transfers may be conducted each Tuesday and Wednesday during the competition, with up to four transfers allowed per team. These four may be made all at one time or singly over the duration of the competition. It is important to remember, however, that you must at all times have seven players in your team, at least one of whom must be Irish, and you must stay within the £12.5 million budget.
If you wish to transfer you should have your team number and PIN numbers ready before calling the competition number.
1550 844 430 (Republic of Ireland) 0890 181 1001 (Northern Ireland and Britain)
When you dial the above numbers you will hear a menu of choices - select (1) to hear your team's current and overall earnings and ranking (weekend scores are available from 6.0 pm every Monday); (2) to make transfers, (3) to change or add your name, address, telephone number and team name and (4) to hear the current line-up of your team.
Calls cost 58p per minute in the Republic of Ireland and 50p per minute in Britain - all charges include VAT.
Competition Helpline: 01-2844060 between 10.0 am and 5.30 pm (Monday to Friday). Normal telephone charges apply to this number. Service provided by Phonovation Ltd.
