Dear Ma,
It's been 10 days now since I've been anywhere on this planet except Milton Keynes and I'm not altogether sure I can take much more to be honest. I've even taken to talking to my flight ticket home ("coochie coo, snuggle bug - love you lots"), fondling it and sellotaping it to the ceiling at night so it's the first thing I see when I wake up.
I'll never slag off Kinnegad again Ma, 'cos it's like Venice compared to this. I know you've been having public transport problems since I left home but I actually envy you because the problem with this place is that it has no problems. It runs like an "oil welled machine", as ITV football pundit Barry Venison once said of a German performance - even the taxis arrive on the appointed minute. Weird or what?
We were in a Chinese restaurant on Wednesday night and they were playing muzak versions of Riverdance and Whiskey in the Jar and we all hummed and sang along tearfully, weeping into our Kung Po. That's how much we miss home, Ma.
Even Julian from Portsmouth, another reporter at the women's hockey Olympic Qualifier, cried and he's only been in Ireland once (and in Milton Keynes six days fewer than me). He's even been reminiscing fondly about covering matches at Brentford football club so I think he's struggling, Ma.
It's been like Siberia since I arrived too, and I'm not sure if I still have feet attached to my legs because I haven't felt them since Tuesday. New Zealand played in sleeveless tops against Japan and lost 40; they wore tights, gloves, woolly hats and three layers of upper clothing against Britain and won 1-0. I think there's a lesson there, Ma. The hockey? Well, that's been good and has kept the spirits up. Ireland were 70 minutes away from qualifying for the Olympic Games in balmy Sydney on Wednesday but lost to Spain. As I write we're one day away from playing China in the play-offs - you'll know the result when you read this but I don't know it now 'cos the match hasn't been played yet (no flies on me, Ma).
Anyway, I think Ireland versus China in any sporting contest is a form of bullying, and I told Mr Chang, owner of that restaurant we were in the other night, as much.
He agreed and said he'd give us a free bottle of wine tonight if Ireland beat China. We conferred and asked could we have it if we lost and he said "okay". It's not that we're not confident Ma, it's just that. . .well, we're not confident.
The interesting thing, though, Ma, about this tournament is that it has confirmed almost every stereotype everyone here has ever pinned on the 10 nations involved. Ireland? Friendly, great crack, fiery and passionate and would run into a brick wall for the cause even if they know it's not really going to get them anywhere. India? More skilful than anyone else here but won't get anywhere until they learn to be nasty. The USA? They think they're a whole lot better than they actually are. Russia? They think they're a whole lot worse than they actually are.
Germany? Tactically astute, do as much as they have to do to get what they need without ever having us leaping off our seats in excitement. China? Had their televisions disconnected in their hotel bedrooms so their minds wouldn't be polluted by Coronation Street, etc. Spain? Lousers - all but ended our Olympic dream. Japan? Courteous, deferential and extremely polite, except during matches when they'd shovel you into the middle of next week. New Zealand? "Confuse me for an Australian once more and I'll head butt you." Britain? "I was in Temple Bar last month and it was triffic." You'd want to see the New Zealand team, Ma. Honest, I don't think they've eaten since the last Olympics. One of their players, Mandy Smith, is the Anna Kournakova of hockey - you should see the newspaper lads rush to her post-match press conferences. You'd be crushed in the stampede. When they re-emerge you have to wave smelling salts under their noses to revive them. You have to admire their interest in women's hockey though, fair play to them.
There weren't so many at G S Bhangu's press conference after his Indian side had lost to Ireland. Just me and two others.
"Is it true you are missing two of your best players," Bhangu was asked. "Yes - they were left out of the squad because they had domestic problems," he replied. "Domestic problems?" "Yes, they got married," he said. "Would you describe marriage as a domestic problem?" "I would when it is a marriage arranged by your parents. They had no say over the date of their marriages, so they missed the tournament. Girls in this part of the world do not have this kind of problem."
Anyway Ma, if you're wondering why this letter is so long it's because there isn't a whole lot to do in Milton Keynes at night. Or during the day. We passed the Milton Keynes Tourism Office on Wednesday and spotted that their main selling point for the town is that it is only half an hour from London by fast train.
And did you know, Ma, that dolphins can be right nasty little lousers and have even be known to kill their mates' toddlers if they irritate them enough? Saw it on National Geographic last night. Got to go - there are walls to be stared at.
