TD, tailor, senator, spy.
The hunt for Vlad’s Lad in Leinster House continues.
Kildare Street was rocked to its foundations when the Sunday Times reported that a serving Oireachtas politician is a Russian spy. Adding to the intrigue, the newspaper nicknamed the alleged agent “Cobalt” and says he was recruited during Brexit talks in a “honeytrap” sting operation.
Who is Comrade Cobalt? What is he? Where is he?
Still running loose in the political nooks and crannies of the State, it seems.
They sought him here, they sought him there, they sought him pretty much everywhere over the last few days, but with no success.
The Dáil doesn’t seem half as exercised as the Seanad though, with the Upper House diving into the pages of this unlikely spy drama for the second day in a row on Wednesday.
In a stirring, seat-dampening “I am Spartacus”-type interlude, four senators bravely declared on the floor of the House that they are not Russian spies.
Timmy Dooley, the ringleader, then urged colleagues to follow suit and publicly state “they are not the subject of any investigation or that they have never been in the clutches of Russia” (or in the clutches of any Russians, presumably).
The handful of senators privileged to witness this historic moment laughed their heads off at the sheer gravity of the occasion.
The inevitable movie will be called The Day of the Cackle.
Senator Dooley announced he had to address rumours that members of the Seanad “have been involved with Russia and that there may or may not be a spy in our midst.”
“Careful now,” cautioned the Cathaoirleach, Jerry Buttimer, with a nice Fr Tedesque flourish .
Timmy urged his fellow Senators to come clean and admit if they are involved in espionage.
“And before I sit down, I can declare that I am no such person,” he said, hoping everyone else would do the same.
Senator Fiona O’Loughlin leapt to her feet and raised a hand to the sky. “It’s not me. I’m not the one!”
This caused a mini-commotion. It sounded like everyone wanted to fling their arms in the air and testify.
Buttimer, ever sensitive, reminded his handful of excitable charges that no person has been mentioned in connection with the allegation and he was “not being windy” (as we had remarked the previous day) by “trying to protect all of us and the House” from a possible trip to the Four Courts.
But that didn’t mean he didn’t want to testify. “And I too Senator Dooley am, like you, not one of those people either.” A spy, that is.
Then Senator Maria Byrne, positively glowing, cried “I want to declare I’m not one of them either!”
Living her best life.
Senator Malcolm Byrne was next into the confessional. “Can I also say that I’m not a spy and I’ve no doubt that Senator Dooley isn’t a Russian spy either.”
Hallelujah!
All that was missing was somebody banging a tambourine and doing the rounds with a collection box.
Malcolm is sure Timmy isn’t a Putin mole because “himself and Cathal Crowe are spending so much time keeping an eye on each other”.
This is true. Senator Dooley and Deputy Crowe are Fianna Fáil colleagues in Clare and running on the same election ticket. “The Russians wouldn’t be up to them.”
Which is also true.
Meanwhile, in Washington to visit President Biden, Taoiseach Simon Harris refused to be drawn on the revelations. He never talks about matters relating to national security and that has always been his policy when asked about Russian secret agents embedded in the Oireachtas.
He’ll have to tell Joe everything though, in case the president met agent Cobalt when he visited Ireland last year. There were very few people in Leinster House he didn’t meet.
This could spiral into a major international incident.
With people already losing their minds waiting for the general election to start and a bizarre espionage caper now unfolding alongside it, speculation intensified on Wednesday afternoon that Cobalt was about to come in from the cold.
At this point, Leinster House turned into a home for the bewildered.
Rumour abounded that he had already unmasked himself and resigned. At lunchtime, political correspondents’ phones lit up with messages from TDs and Senators either asking if it was true or insisting it was true.
It was the talk of the Members’ Bar.
Clearly, Timmy Dooley’s intervention earlier in the day in the Seanad chamber must have convinced Cobalt that there was no hiding place.
Except it wasn’t true. Nobody had come forward. Nobody had resigned – from either the Dáil or the Seanad. At least not yet.
But in the turbocharged Leinster House rumour mill, it had already happened.
One interesting aspect of all of this is that the politicians, normally more than happy to doubt or dismiss newspaper stories, were not disputing the report. Various names were being bandied about – for comic value as much as anything else, but, rightly or wrongly, one name was on everyone’s lips.
Was he around?
One TD told us Cobalt had been spotted earlier in the morning but by the time the rumours caught hold there were no sightings.
“I think Danger Mouse has gone back to Moscow.”
Maybe Danger Moose might be a more appropriate moniker for this particular agent.
The issue was discussed at Fine Gael’s parliamentary party meeting. In his weekly bulletin, party chairman Alan Farrell mentioned “recent reports concerning an alleged relationship between an Oireachtas member and the Russian Federation” and said he would be “seeking guidance” from the authorities in Leinster House on this “critical matter”.
Obviously Fine Gael believes whoever is carrying on this “alleged relationship” is not one of their parliamentary party members. Other parties appear similarly confident, although how do they know?
Cathaoirleach Buttimer is right to be windy. His counterpart in the Dáil is also scrupulously careful.
Leinster House is blessed with excellent lawyers in both the Dáil and Seanad. They must be watching this with great interest.
At least the frenzied speculation about spies is providing an unexpected diversion from galloping election anxiety.
In the meantime, Leinster House waits to see if this mysterious Deep Throat/Hard Neck will materialise any time soon with an explanation. Developments are eagerly awaited.
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